FatMan's Take on The Giants, Gambling and Our Crazy Lives

World Travels and Humiliating Jamie Gold

2008-11-13T10:11:00.003-05:00

The FatMan has fallen down on the job of making picks. In the past month and a half, he has been on the road for over 75% of the time!! The trip to Germany kicked off the fun, then it was off to Vegas for a week, one day home, and then onto a Tour like Van Halen would take on - without the fighting, drug use, or groupies. And it lasted about as long as a Van Halen tour - one week. It was a trip to beautiful Bayside, NY, then to Buffalo long enough to grab bags and drive to Toronto, long enough to eat and spend the night in downtown Hamilton, which appears to be Canada's version of Newark. From there, it was back to Buffalo, long enough to fly to Indianapolis via Atlanta, spend one night and an afternoon in Indy, and then onto Beantown for two days.

Luckily, I was only so winded that I passed out on the final night while drinking with my old friend, Thom. Truthfully, it was a pitiful display. I had a few pints in me when we started the night, and only 3 hours later, I was falling asleep on the barstool, getting jabbed at and poked for being such a lame ass. The trip kicked my ass. Truly.

Unfortunately, in all of the travels, not only did I lose my ability to hold my liquor, but my Internet access was spotty at best, so no football predictions were made. But a few amusing stories came out of it. My favorite one involves "professional" poker player Jamie Gold:

GOLD GOING BROKE??
Alright, I strolled into Vegas on a Saturday and decided to seek out some poker action the first night. I head into a poker room - the name of the establishment will be left unknown as I want to return to this place on my next visit. Anyway, a lot of pros were in town because Caesar's was running a major tourney. Most of the rooms had recognizable people there playing higher stakes games. Me, I started out tame and approached a $2-$5 No Limit table. I ask for $500 in chips and take my seat. I had about 3 beers in me and as I'm sitting down, I look up and see Jamie Gold directly across from me. So, never one to shy away from a nice introduction, I said, "Mr. Gold, slumming with the locals at the low limit table?" He fired back with the equally as cordial response of, "No. I'm here to take your fucking money." The guy may have made millions, but that wasn't the wisest move on his part.

I folded the first 10 hands or so and watched as Gold played every one of them. He's raising with junk and bullying people, and surprisingly, people are folding. Next hand, I look down at pocket Kings. Gold raises to $50 and I re-raise to $150 after everyone folded. Flop comes down K-7-2 rainbow. Gold checks and I bet $75, which tactically was a bad move on my part. Most good players would have folded on my bet, which would have cost me money. But I was facing Jamie Gold, not a good player. Gold pushes all in and I call immediately. The guy turns up 10-3 offsuit!! So my stack is now just shy of $1000.

At this point, Gold gets up and leaves for 10 minutes and comes back with two skanks on his arm. He sits back down and starts playing every pot again. While he was gone, I won a couple small pots, but nothing of note happens. About 6 hands later, Gold gets called down by another guy with middle pair. Gold shows bottom pair, loses the hand and then starts flipping out of the pot winner, calling him an asshole, a motherfucker, and a fool. At this point, Gold is down to about $300 in front of him, and he looks like he doesn't have anything else to back it up. On the very next hand, I have A-K and Gold raises to $35. Everyone else but the blinds folded, so I re-raised him all-in. The blinds vacate he calls and I flip over the A-K to show him what he's up against. He doesn't show his cards. Flop comes down K-10-5. Turn brings an A, and the river brings a 2. He throws his cards at the dealer and then tell me to go back to bumfuck Arkansas. Apparently his geography knowledge is as impressive as his bankroll management. Anyway, as he's leaving, I said, "So how much of my fucking money did you take? Be sure to put it to good use at the $1-$2 tables". Probably an unwarranted jab, but I just kicked the shit out of a Main Event Champion!! Probably my only brush with poker greatness and it happened at a $2/$5 table.

Other than that, I was even for the rest of the trip. Played in some tourneys and lost. Played some more cash games and won about $500 which covered my tourney entry fees, so in effect, my entire profit was Golden! After that, I watched some of Caesar's Final Table where the winner took home $1M. I left when John Hennigan left in 7th place. At that point Hevan Khan was the overwhelming chip leader. While it certainly isn't the best spectator sport, there is something pretty cool watching 6 guys vie for a million dollars.

WHAT'S NEXT??
Time to recharge. The worst part about the travels is that I was in NYC two weeks when the Giants had home games, and I didn't get to the stadium for either one. In fact, I didn't even get to watch the Niners game. Get this - the Newark Airport didn't have it on. They carried the FOX broadcast of the Vikings-Bears. I'm not shitting you. For the Dallas game, I was actually holed up at a decent Pub in Bayside - Monahan's.

Best story from there is a short one. I'm at the bar by myself as my German colleagues had no desire to watch football, and this was a crucial game featuring rivals. As 4PM approaches, Giant fans start coming in. Having been there since 1PM and since it is established that I can't hold my liquor, I greet a guy in a Giants jersey with "Bosski" on the back of it in the nameplate. At first, I thought this was a fans way of paying tribute to Kevin Boss, but the number wasn't in the 80's. Then I figured out it was the smarmiest of fans, the douchebag who gets his real name on the back of a Giant's jersey. Cool? Not so much. So, with some Harp settling in my stomach for courage, I go up to the guy and I say, "Bosski!! I thought that dude was going to make the roster this year. I can't believe they put him on the Practice Squad." The guy looks confused and replied, "No man, it's not a Giant. Cool jersey though, huh?". I just looked at him and said, "No. Not so much." Then I walked up to his buddy to the right and said, "A throwback Carson jersey. Kudos. Give Bosski some advice on uniform etiquette." At least Carson chuckled. Tough room. Go get 'em Bosski and Patanella.....

Anyhoo, I'm home for one week and then leave for Germany again which about ensures that the Giants will suffer their next loss on the 23rd. They are 0-3 in history while I'm over there, including debacles against the Browns, Vikings and Titans. On the bright side, I return home on Thanksgiving about 4PM which means that I won't have as much nausea as the poor souls who get to watch the Titans beat the stuffing out of the Lions.

I think the next blog entry will reintroduce random thoughts. I have a lot of them accumulating. Like wondering why there isn't mouse flavored cat food. Explain that one??

FatMan's Picks - Week 8

2008-10-22T08:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I missed a week of picks. I apologize to the 10 people who read the sheet in complete and honest earnest. But I got to see some cool things last week, so being detached from the Internet was fine by me. Without turning into Arthur Frommer, indulge me for a second.

The Hofbrauhaus in Munich. The largest beer hall in the world. Looks a little classier than the average joint, no?

The Dachau Concentration Camp. The first one established by the Germans. The sign reads "Work will set you free", except because of an indifference to life and depravity, it was a crapshoot who made it to freedom.

Rothenburg - a town with its medieval wall still mainly intact. Amazing architecture.

Schloss Neuschwanstein - the castle that was the model for Cinderella's castle. Hey. I drank enough beer to see something a little gay during the week.

The Ulmer Munster. The tallest spire on a cathedral in the world. Reminded me of a Tim Burton creation.

Heidleburg. The picture doesn't do justice to the amazing beauty of the place.

Hopefully the previous scenic treasures will distract you enough to ignore the complete and horrific season I am having so far. Maybe the break will do me good. Then again, maybe it will just delay the inevitable sinking into a cess pool of shit. Should be fun to see which one happens.....

WEEK 8:
Oakland at Baltimore (-7) - Is there really anyone who thinks the idea of Baltimore giving more than 6 points is EVER a good idea?These are the tough decisions that people in the waste management business seem to relish giving us. I think it is certainly possible that the Ravens will beat up on the road-horrid Raiders, but I hate putting hard earned money on it. In fact, I hate putting any type of money on it. RAVENS 23-13.

San Diego at New Orleans (+3.5) - What a difference a few years make. While the shit-splattered walls of the Superdome were closed due to Hurricane Katrina, the sole natural disaster caused by George W. Bush himself, all we heard as football fans was that the Saints got screwed by losing a home game to the Giants. Why isn't there outrage now when the shit has been painted over and the Saints a losing a game to go play in Jolly Old England? Probably because the Giants aren't involved. Am I paranoid? You bet your ass I am. CHARGERS 34-13.

Kansas City at Jets (-13) - The Chiefs are a mess. They have a revolving door at QB, and given this situation they've decided that using Larry Johnson is a bad idea, so they forced him into sulking and spitting beer at women. But yet Herm Edwards still has a job. If illogical things like this happen, maybe Bigfoot does exist afterall. JETS 31-13.

Buffalo at Miami (+1.5) - Miami is like a yo-yo on steroids. They swing high against the good teams and drag on the floor in a tangled mess against the bottom feeders. The last I looked, the Bills are pretty good, which can only mean one thing. Actually two. 1) A heavy dose of the Single Wing 2) An upset! DOLPHINS 24-21.

Tampa Bay at Dallas (-3.5) - Tony Romo is not going to play. Brad Johnson is. I could waste about three more sentences talking about how much of a dumbass Wade Phillips looks like or how Plastic Man Jones is a farce, but it doesn't change the fact that the Cowboys suck balls without Romo. BUCS 23-17.

Atlanta at Philadelphia (-9) - The Eagles are well-rested, but still are banged up, and it is only week 8!! On the flip side, the Falcons are overachieving more than Pauly Shore, and we've all seen where that's led him in the long run. WEEEAASSELLLL!!! EAGLES 27-13.

St. Louis at New England (-7) - Jim Haslett has the Rams looking like an actual NFL team, which is a far cry from what they were before, but now they have to go into New England and be competitive. That's about as likely as Pauly Shore getting back on the top of stardom. He's probably even standing behind Andy Dick in that line. But I'm not sure that's a bad thing. I wouldn't want Dick behind me. PATS 28-12.

Arizona at Carolina (-4.5) - The Cards might be leading the West, but that is like congratulating the Syrians for being cleaner than Iraqis. It's all relative. Shit still smells like shit even if somebody has less caked onto them. Maybe the Cardinals aren't Syrians. Maybe they are slightly less-hairy Romanian women compared to Bulgarian women. PANTHERS 19-17 (Cards cover)

Washington at Detroit (+8.5) - OK. All those who think the Lions will finally have a chance to win, raise your hands. From the response, I must be at a Grenade Survivor Meeting. Nobody is going out on the limb. Me neither. REDSKINS 30-13.

Cleveland at Jacksonville (-7) - Kellen Winslow has such big balls that he is getting suspended for a game. Isn't that something? The guy gets an infected sack and sits in the hospital for a while. When his berries finally dehydrate, he gets suspended for conduct detrimental to the team. Is there something ass backwards about Ohio? JAGUARS 27-17.

Giants at Pittsburgh (-3) - I have a bad feeling about this game. Maybe it is because the giants lost to the Browns on the road and the Steelers are much better. Or maybe it is because of a lack of sleep. Does it really matter why? I have a bad feeling and that's that. Ahh....it might be PMS. GIANTS 23-20.

Seattle at San Francisco (-4.5) - I have no idea about this game. The Seahawks without Hassleback are useless and the 49ers are pretty bad themselves. I'd recommend if you watch this game to drink heavily. To help you along, do a shot after everytime Mike Singletary's beady eyes are shown. Just make sure somebody is there to pump your stomach by halftime. NINERS 20-7.

Cincinnati at Houston (-9.5) - The Bengals have already announced Carson Palmer will sit out on Sunday. Waving the white flag on a Tuesday has become status quo. Have I asked lately how Marvin Lewis still has a job? TEXANS 34-12.

Indianapolis at Tennessee (-4) - The Colts need this game more than Al Davis needs to start making funeral arrangements. They got manhandled by a pedestrian Green Bay defense last week. What damage will the Titans inflict?? Better watch something else on Monday especially if kids are in the room. TITANS 24-17.

BEST BETS:
CHARGERS
BUCS
TEXANS

2 Weeks Ago:
Straight Up: 8-6
With Spread:6-8
Best Bets: 1-2

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 52-36 (.591)
With Spread: 35-50-3 (.405)
Best Bets: 7-11 (.389) -$510

I was hoping to avoid the curse that a bad year follows a wildly successful one, but from the looks of it, the curse is in full effect. It would be nice to be able to deflect shittiness on an unseen apparition, but really, isn't it just the deflection of blame? Ahhhh, no need to try and get too deep on the FatMan's board. This is a light-hearted place. Sort of like a disney for complete degenerate scumbags. Remember - Dwarf tossing starts promptly at 8. Half price admission to those with 2 or more cigar burns. Come one come all, and listen to the ringmaster as he shouts...
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to the FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 6

2008-10-07T09:18:00.002-04:00

The way I'm going along, it's about time I get out of the country for a bit. And you know what? I'm going to do just that. I'm headed to Germany. Allemagne for some of you. The former GDR to others. And Deutschland to the natives.

If the writeups are abbreviated next week, I'll have a great excuse. I'll be sucking down a cold bier. Preferably a Koningsbrau Pilsner.

Gut Gemacht!!!

Another travel update is that I just spoke to the sheet's good friend Lansdowne. We've just purchased his ticket to come to the US which means in a few short weeks, the grand old English butler will be filling in. Unfortunately, he was doing a service for his patrons, Clive and Emma Rothschild next week, or he'd fill in while The FatMan is downing steins of frothy liquids. But the bottom line is that everyone's favorite caustic narrator will be back!! Well, enough droll updates, as my bankroll slowly inches its way back to even, let's not waste anymore time and go to The Sheet!!!

WEEK 6:
Oakland at New Orleans (-7.5) - Geez, the Saints are such underachievers every year that I feel like calling them The Mets. They get two punt returns for TD's and give up a Hail Mary-like pass to tie the game and commit an atrocious PI to seal the loss. I'll take Colossal Defensive Collapses for $500, Alex. SAINTS 30-20.

Baltimore at Indianapolis (-4) - The Ravens snatched defeat from the hands of victory last week while the Colts were given a gift in the form of an undeserved W. They must feel like Capitol Hill. I'll leave political jokes for man-handed women like Ann Coulter. Speaking of man-hands, did anyone else notice how feminine Jim Lehrer's hands are? I'm beginning to think I need to stare at other appendages. COLTS 23-20 (Ravens cover)

Cincinnati at Jets (-6) - The Bengals have took two good cuts up at the plate the last few weeks and have looked like Rob Deer in drawing air. Will this week be a third strike with wind to power a small town coming off of the Mickey Tettleton lumber, or will it finally be a massive Roy Hobbs, light-breaking smash? The answer is that it will be a dribbler to third. JETS 17-14 (Bengals cover)

Carolina at Tampa Bay (-1.5) - A battle for supremacy in the NFC South. Is that like the battle for best Clam Chowder in Missouri? Tampa Bay has the defense to hang with anyone and Carolina is quickly becoming a very balanced team. The Cats shut down Larry Johnson, who ran the ball like Grandmama. This week, they might finish Dunn. PANTHERS 24-17.

Detroit at Minnesota (-13) - This Vikings team is not good enough to lay 13 points, even though I won't be foolish enough to lay my hard earned cash on the Lions again. They are the biggest conglomeration of pussies since Cats toured the country. Rod Marinelli is just cashing a check each week. Thank God the banking collapse can at least serve as a checks and balances for these kinds of situations. VIKINGS 24-16 (Lions cover)

Chicago at Atlanta (+2.5) - This is a hard one for me to call. The Falcons have been winning with ball control and solid D, which is the same formula the Bears have used. In a race to make the most mistakes, Matt Ryan and Kyle Orton might run neck and neck. In times like this, I go with my gut. And it is a biggun. BEARS 20-13.

Miami at Houston (-3) - The Texans have to get off the schnide sometime, right?? I don't know about this week though. They are home, but the Dolphins have now beaten the Pats and Chargers in successive games, and they are using an offense from the late 1800's. Back then, Houston was fending itself off from Mexican rebels. Some things never change. TEXANS 24-17.

St. Louis at Washington (-13.5) - Hello Mr. Haslett. The Washington Redskins would like to greet you with an ass kicking. Please bend over and assume the position. Stay there. Let them hang the "L" around your neck. REDSKINS 31-10.

Jacksonville at Denver (-3.5) - The Jags are more up and down than the scale at the Olsen household. Not having a solid OL will do that. Well, at least to the Jags, not to the aneorexic-like twins. But then again, Denver isn't the model of consistency either. I'm just going with a hunch, even if it probably is a shitty one. JAGS 27-23.

Philadelphia at San Francisco (+4.5) - The Eagles need this game more than Misty May-Traynor needs a bikini on to be attractive. They lose here, and even redirecting all of the focus diverted by Fat Andy's drug dealing offspring won't even get the team back on track. Mike Nolan might look spiffy on the sidelines, but man is he a terrible coach. EAGLES 24-17.

Dallas at Arizona (+5.5) - The circus known as the Cowboys is in full swing. TO is whining after every game. Romo is defending all of his turnovers and misdirected throws, and Wade Phillips is struggling to refute that he is a drooling invalid. Even so, they should win this game. By how much is the question. I think this will be one of the most exciting games to date. COWBOYS 34-31 (Cards cover)

Green Bay at Seattle (-2.5) - Both teams looked bad last week. Aaron Rodgers looks like a young Favre in his ability to turn the ball over, and Seattle got their two top WR's back and looked even more inept on offense. Now they are at home where they can enjoy the 12th Man, some illegally piped-in music, and the comfort in knowing they are at least better than the UW squad. Baby steps. SEAHAWKS 24-19.

New England at San Diego (-6) - Wow. This is going to be a strange game to watch. The loser will really fall behind, especially if the loser is the Chargers, and the winner will still have major question marks to overcome. It just goes to show you how quickly fortunes can turn. And people say the Palm Sunday to being nailed on the cross parable is unlikely today. History repeats itself in strange ways. Hey, if Little Bill falls, can I make a crack about the Messiah? Amen. CHARGERS 24-23 (Pats cover)

Giants at Cleveland (-8) - I doubted that the Giants would cover against the Seahawks last week. Shame on me. This week, they are going to face a very fired-up Browns crowd. But on the bright side, they will also face a really shitty Browns team. Good thing they don't play the crowd. GRRRRRRRR...... GIANTS 35-19.

BEST BETS:
BENGALS
EAGLES
PANTHERS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against Spread: 4-8-2
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 44-30 (.595)
Against Spread: 29-42-3 (.408)
Best Bets: 6-9 (.400) -$390

After a couple horrendous weeks early on, the stack is getting back to the neutral setting. I'll take being Switzerland at this point. It isn't easy to admit that one wasn't sharp, but I missed a lot of good opportunities in the first few weeks and now I'll have to battle to get into the positive figures. Teams like the Chargers, Broncos, Packers, and Dallas have been just inconsistent enough that betting on them has been a crapshoot. And then I put up complete airballs like picking the Lions to cover last week. I thought they'd welcome the Matt Millen firing with open arms. I was wrong. Very wrong. So, let's just all look at a Successory and remember:

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 5

2008-09-30T09:23:00.002-04:00

There's a saying - "You can't win them all". The New England Patriots found that out last year. But in prognosticating, as long as you win more than you lose plus 10%, you are going to be ahead. You can see that is far too clumsy to be a saying, but it is the reality. Right now, I'm losing more than I'm winning, but the tide is turning. Technically, the tide doesn't turn. It only moves in or out. Since we are going down the road of cliches, let's make an entire edition featuring them. It will be the tits! Speaking of the tits, when women think something is great, why don't they blurt out, "It's the dick"?

Ahh, who understands women anyway? Let's go to the Sheet!!

WEEK 5:
Indy at Houston (+3) - Indy is harder to solve than a Rubik's Cube in the dark. When the chips are down, they seem to rally, but something just seems off with them this year. Maybe Peyton has lost the Mojo? Maybe Harrision used up all his ammo firing at random dudes on the street? Maybe they are just off to a slow start. They get everyone's favorite elixir, the Houston Texans, who blow more than Ike. Now if only they could punch like another Ike..... COLTS 28-20.

Tennessee at Baltimore(+3) - The Titans are undefeated and have more bite than the entire population of Tennessee. Meanwhile, the Ravens best offense is a good defense. Unfortunately, it should be the other way around. Ravens players always say, there is nothing to fear, but fear itself, but if they can play side-by-side with a murdering jackass and not be frightened, staring down a slack-jawed Kerry Collins shouldn't be that tough a thing to do. Upset special! RAVENS 16-13.

San Diego at Miami (+6.5) - The Chargers came a hair away from losing to the Raiders, a team with less leadership than Haiti. Meanwhile the Dolphins are coming off a week after knocking the top dogs off of the stoop. Shaving Little Bill's balls is something the entire league takes joy in anymore. This game could end up being tougher than undercooked flank steak for the Bolts. CHARGERS 23-20 (Fins cover)

Kansas City at Carolina (-9.5) - The Panthers are another tough team to peg. They tend to keep games close, so a spread nearing double-digits is a tempting one. However, the Chefs have been missing on most of their dishes so far this year. Troubling for the Panthers is that the Chefs cooked up a huge upset of the Broncos and pounded the ball mercilessly last week. Add in that Carolina lost two OL during their win against the Falcons, and all of a sudden this game might be closer than Siamese Twins. Take the points and hope Herm doesn't self destruct. PANTHERS 20-14 (Chiefs cover)

Washington at Philadelphia (-5) - The Skins go on the road to tackle another tough NFC East foe. They've split away games with the Giants and Cowboys, and now it is time to go into the belly of the Beast, and I don't mean into Andy Reid's intestines. Philly became the first NFC East team to lose to somebody outside of that division, and now they might get another L hung on them if Westbrook is out again. Meanwhile, Jim Zorn is the flavor of the week. Leave milk out for too long and it spoils. EAGLES 27-20.

Chicago at Detroit(+4) - The Lions have been the laughingstock of the league for years now. With Matt Millen being shown the door, perhaps a new welcome mat will be put out. But even a new one is still a doormat. Even so, even a blind squirrel finds a nut sometimes. This writeup is an enigma wrapped up in a conundrum. LIONS 28-24.

Atlanta at Green Bay (-10) - If Aaron Rodgers plays, the Pack will cover. If he doesn't they won't. They might not even win. It doesn't take advanced math to understand these principles. It's funny how much difference a week makes. Favre throws 6 TD's and the Pack loses, and all of a sudden the hand-wringing is in full effect and people are making comparisons of Favre to Namath. Personally, I wish I could kill two birds with one stone, but I'd take just pegging Favre in the head rendering him unconscious for the season. PACKERS 35-17. (If Rodgers plays. If not, the Falcons are the pick to cover)

Seattle at Giants (-7) - The G-Men are the lone unbeaten in the NFC East. They are defending champs. They are Kings of the Hill. But now, the Seahawks are dive bombing with healthy WR's and a need to win. A Giant could swallow two or three Seahawks if they existed. Giants, I mean. GIANTS 28-24 (Seahawks cover)

Tampa Bay at Denver (-3) - The Broncos are an interesting team. They score at will but have no means to stop the other team from scoring. It is like they play in a vacuum where all defenses suck. This week, they actually play somebody with a defense above the Pop Warner level. What will happen is anybody's guess, and while I make money doing this, your guess is probably as good as mine. BRONCOS 31-23.

New England at San Francisco (+3.5) - Do you think Little Bill blew a gasket under his hoodie this week? The Coach was probably so pissed he took 3 secretaries home and banged the shit out of them. Even male staffers are getting worried. Has he gone to the dark side? Judge for yourself: PATS 28-20.

Buffalo at Arizona (-1) - Kurt Warner produced more turnovers than a Sara Lee factory last week. And his top WR got his bell rung as if Quasimoto was swinging a hammer. But the Cards are facing an unlikely undefeated team, and this is the time of year where a loss happens. Traveling cross-country, to a different climate will more times than naught result in a loss. It's all about trends as long as the Zuba pants don't come back. CARDS 31-20.

Cincinnati at Dallas (-14) - Carson Palmer might have a severe shoulder injury. Frankly, for those of us with the stiff on our fantasy team, it would have been nice to have gotten a little advance warning on the impending doom. At least listing the guy on the injury report might have been helpful. But this is the Bengals. They could win the lottery and fuck it up by losing the ticket on the way to claim the winnings. Asking them to do the basics is bad enough. Winning? Impossible. COWBOYS 38-17.

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville (-3) - The Steelers might be holding open tryouts for RB's this week. They were down to one healthy guy on Monday - Mewelde Moore. Is Shaun Alexander heading to SteelTown? Is the Bus going to get a call? This is going to be a long week. And it might be a longer Sunday. JAGS 24-7.

Minnesota at New Orleans (-3) - I can't figure either of these teams out. Everytime I pick one to win, they lose. So, should I go with what I think will happen or go the opposite way? Only I will know, and the result will be a L no matter what. That's Murphy's Law. Fuck the Irish. SAINTS 24-14.

BEST BETS:
DOLPHINS
PATS
LIONS

Last week:
Straight Up: 7-6
Against Spread: 6-7
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 37-23 (.617)
Against Spread: 25-34-1 (.424)
Best Bets: 4-8 (.333) -$480

I think this is one of the toughest weeks of the year so far. No games stand out as huge "gimmes", but these are the times where the good people earn their cash. Me, I'm just trying to get mine back. I'll go after the fatted calf, but first, I'm picking up the spare change from the fountain. I was thinking about something the other day as Houston is getting set to host a football game. In the aftermath of Katrina, why was such viotrol directed towards the political side of things because a Democratic state was run like horseshit, but yet I've heard nary a peep about how well efforts were conducted after Ike in a Republican state? Partisan politics, or is that getting too deep for a sheet like this? All i know is that people weren't flinging poo and looting in Houston even if the critics will fire back that flinging poo is overrated. Just remember:

When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 4

2008-09-23T09:43:00.003-04:00

Look, I'm a grown man - I can take it. I've sucked this year. Out and out sucked. Like a Hoover crossed with Jenna Jameson. With no disrespect intended towards Sarah Palin, there's no putting lipstick on this pig.

I'm just hoping that like Obama, I can spin a bad situation into a good one by using fancy words and acting like I'm a regular dude. Wait a minute - I am a regular dude!! Ah hell, enough political banter. This is just going to get me animated. Let's just go out there and win one for the Gipper. Shit, that's sort of political too, isn't it??? LET'S GO TO THE SHEET!!!

WEEK 4:
Denver at Kansas City (+9.5) - Surgeons are contemplating the best way to remove the horseshoe that is up the Broncos ass. After a second opinion, they will leave it in place for one more week. BRONCOS 35-20.

Cleveland at Cincinnati (-3.5) - What is monumental about this game? Barring a tie, somebody will be the first team from either Ohio or Missouri to get a win this year. I wonder if Pete Rose will even have the hutzpah to put some duckets on the Bengals. Pete's aged well...... BENGALS 28-20.

Houston at Jacksonville (-8) - I keep thinking that sooner or later the Texans are going to pull things together, and then I realize their common denominator over each of the franchises losing years - a terrible OL. It isn't better this year, as there are more cracks in their line than a Galveston Island house foundation. Everything's bigger in Texas, and that includes suckiness. JAGS 28-24 (Texans cover)

Arizona at Jets (-3) - Brett Favre looks every bit as old as he is. From the graying beard to the hobbled walk. In fact, he looks a lot like Joe Namath - today. Except, I think Brett likes Madden more than Suzy Kolber. Upset Special! CARDS 23-17

San Francisco at New Orleans (-6) - The Saints have stumbled out of the block, but the Niners are far from pushovers. They have a good, young D, and a QB that Madden might sploog on once Brett hangs up the cleats. Meanwhile, the Saints have a lot of flash, a lot of flair, and a knack of treating the ball like it is a virulent disease. SAINTS 24-21 (Niners cover)

Atlanta at Carolina (-7) - This is a tough game for me to call. The Panthers simply do not blow people out. Much like Steve Smith, they have a puncher's chance from behind, but with a lead, they let people hang around like it is a 7-11 on a Friday night. At least with Atlanta fans theoretically coming to town, Panther fans might actually make up the majority of the stadium for a rare occasion. Flip a coin. PANTHERS 17-14 (Falcons cover)

Minnesota at Tennessee (-3) - Two stout defenses face two teams who loathe to put the ball in the air. This should make for an exciting game to watch. I might pull out some of the 1895 Harvard-Yale highlights to go with this barnburner. VIKINGS 23-13.

Green Bay at Tampa Bay (-1) - Brian Griese threw 67 times last week and won. His arm went forward more than a slot machine in front of a chain smoking grandma. This week, I think he might have to throw it that many times again if they hope to win. Poor Aaron Rodgers. The guy flies high for two weeks and now after one loss, people will be watching him like the OJ Trial to see how he handles "adversity". Maybe if he pops some Vicadin the crowd will go nuts. PACKERS 28-17.

Buffalo at St. Louis (+8.5) - The Rams have shown absolutely nothing to indicate they can win this game. They haven't even shown much to indicate they can cover. Hell, it took them until late in the afternoon on Sunday to get into the Red Zone for the first time this year!! In football logic, this probably means they will win. I'll take the L rather than look like a fool picking them. BILLS 35-13.

San Diego at Oakland (+7) - The Raiders are a mess. Their owner is a senile man looking under everything for the next John Madden. He's probably fired him already, too. They have a head coach who is waiting to be fired, assistants who are trying to get the guy fired, and a bunch of fans who think dressing up like a Star Wars Cantina extra is fun shit. I won't bet on them based on principle alone, and I'm not really that rooted there if you know what I mean..... CHARGERS 38-17.

Washington at Dallas (-11.5) - Don't let the big spread fool you - Washington is playing much better lately. Dallas will win this game, and their jackass owner will probably come down to the sidelines to crack a smile (and possibly his face) in the 4th Quarter, but it won't be a cakewalk. Portis will keep the game close before a late T.O. TD will have him doing more ridiculous antics. COWBOYS 24-23 (Skins cover)

Philadelphia at Chicago (+3.5) - Philly goes as Westbrook does, and I'm going to have a hunch he doesn't go at all on Sunday. Meanwhile, the Bears hold onto leads like an armless dog walker. I don't know if that indicates a lack of spine or that they are really bad, but neither bodes well for them in the long run. Just remember that Any Given Sunday isn't just the title of one of the crappiest football movies ever, it is also the maxim that holds here. BEARS 17-14.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-7.5) - These teams hate each other like the Reverend Wright hates whites. The Ravens have been one of the surprise teams of the year, but let's keep in mind that the FatMan did pick them to win the division in the Preseason Predictions, a selection roundly jeered. The FatMan thought he'd point that out since the selection might never look better after this week. Leave on a high note.....STEELERS 13-10 (Ravens cover)

BEST BETS:
CHARGERS
REDSKINS
CARDINALS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against Spread: 4-12
Best Bets: 0-3

Year To Date:
Straight Up: 30-17 (.638)
Against Spread: 19-27-1 (.413)
Best Bets: 2-7 (.222) -$570

It isn't pretty. in fact, it is sort of like looking in a mirror and having Brenda Warner staring back as the image. But sometimes to get put back on track, you need to get the shit scared out of you. and right now, I'm scared. Scared of having to make my next mortgage payment and it has nothing to do with the collapse of the big companies. Already down $570 beans is tough sledding, but I was once down $450 at this point and ended up positive for the year. So I'll do what I do best, plug away. Admit it - you thought I was going to say "be annoying" didn't you? Of course you did. Fuckers. Remember.....

When you Want the Skinny On Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Take - Week 3

2008-09-21T09:34:00.002-04:00

It was a decent week last week, but not great. So after two lackluster performances, it was time to head to Cali and get some holistic treatment in the form of In-&-Out Burgers, Pho, and Sunshine.

A good Double-Double will make everything fine.

Since I'm short on time, let's get right to the games, the witty repartee will have to wait until next week:

WEEK 3

Kansas City at Atlanta(-5.5) - FALCONS 21-6
Oakland at Buffalo(-9.5) - BILLS 24-10
Tampa Bay at Chicago(-3) - BEARS 21-13
Carolina at Minnesota(-3.5) - PANTHERS 27-22
Miami at New England(-12.5) - PATS 28-9
Cincinnati at New York Giants(-13) - GIANTS 30-13
Houston at Tennessee(-4.5) - TITANS 17-14 (Texans cover)
Arizona at Washington(-3) - CARDS 20-17
New Orleans at Denver(-5.5) - BRONCOS 34-24
Detroit at San Francisco(-4) - LIONS 23-17
St. Louis at Seattle(-9.5) - SEAHAWKS 23-16 (Rams cover)
Cleveland at Baltimore(-2.5) - RAVENS 17-13
Jacksonville at Indianapolis(-5) - COLTS 27-17
Pittsburgh at Philadelphia(-3) - EAGLES 24-19
Dallas at Green Bay(+3) - COWBOYS 34-27
Jets at San Diego (-9) - CHARGERS 30-24 (Jets cover)

BEST BETS:
PANTHERS
CARDINALS
LIONS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 10-5
Against Spread: 7-7-1
Best Bets: 1-2

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 20-11
Against Spread: 15-15-1
Best Bets: 2-4 (-$240)

It is really tough to go with the Lions for anything here, but I just have a feeling they will not only cover, but win. I also want to go with the Rams, but they are a mess, so I'll go with my alternate pick of the Cards.

Next week, there will be full writeups now that I'm re-energized from the trip West. And remember:

When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to the FatMan

FatMan Week 2 Picks

2008-09-09T09:28:00.004-04:00

Well that was about as pedestrian a first week as possible. Nothing of note except that $120 flew out of my pocket on the Best Bets. I should have pulled a Costanza after the Giants won on Thursday and done the exit. Oh well, just time to shake it off.

Week 2 has an interesting assortment of picks. Is Chicago for real? Is Indy in trouble? Is Dante Rosario the next Tony Gonzalez? Is Tony Kornheiser still gargling Brett Favre's balls? These are all questions we need to hear more about.......

So without any further delving into Favre's pants, let's go to The Sheet!!!

WEEK 2:
Miami at Arizona (-7) - The Cards are 7 point favorites? Something about that is hard for me to stomach. I know the Fins aren't going to be that good, but the Cardinals seem to have problems putting teams away. I think I know who both teams are which is why I'm going to take the Cards to win and the Fish to cover. You want to crown them?? CARDS 24-21 (Fins cover)

Chicago at Carolina (-3) - Will the real Bears please stand up. Are they the misfits with a mountain man lookalike at QB, or are they a hard-charging bull-rushing defensive machine? I don't know right now which makes this game tough to call. I do think they match up well against the Steve Smith-less Cats, who will have a bout of overconfidence after beating the Chargers. But then again, shouldn't the Bears have that same overconfidence? Nah. They are Da Bears! Upset Special! BEARS 21-17.

Tennessee at Cincinnati (-1) - Kerry Collins is again at the helm and he gets to face one of the worst defensive team in the league. On the bright side, the Bengals probably don't care if they get caught mugging WR's, it is better than the assaults they partake in off the field. I think this is a Pick 'Em game, so I'll look for some help from a friend:

Looks like he's going with Penn St., and Collins was a QB there, so - TITANS 20-12.

San Diego at Denver (-1) - The Italians liked the performance that Cutler put in on Monday. Personally, I don't know how anyone could evaluate the players with such a shitty job being done by Mike and Mike and Dumbass in the booth. All 12 people who stayed up to watch the game had their ears mutilated as badly as the facts were. The Chargers could be in trouble if they go 0-2. I don't think that will happen. CHARGERS 28-24.

Green Bay at Detroit (+4) - What is the difference between Mr. Rogers and the Green Bay QB? One has a D. Alright, one is a cardigan-wearing, sandal doffing, pedophile in a make believe world where he moves fictional creatures by sticking his hand up a hole in their bottoms. And we let our children watch that shit. Ryan Grant is going to have more fun romping around than the King! PACKERS 31-17.

Baltimore at Houston (-4.5) - These are the pitfalls of week two games. The Texans were destroyed by the Steelers and the Ravens dominated the Bengals. But how much of those outcomes were determined because the teams they were playing were really good or really bad? If we all knew that answer, we could quit our jobs and get rich in Vegas betting one game a week. There is a reason you go into huge, massive palaces to place bets. Suckers have paid for that concrete. Concrete poured by rich, corrupt Italians. TEXANS 28-14.

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-6) - The Jags lost two offensive linemen on Sunday. They now have 4 out for an extended period. They haven't seen guys this serially injured since Tony Boselli's steroid use declined. Let's make one thing clear - teams with bad OL's do not win. Period. This is easy money. Take it before someone else claims it. BILLS 20-17.

Oakland at Kansas City (-3) - Ugh. Could the race for the #1 draft pick in 2009 already be underfoot? Please do not watch this game and if you do, don't eat beforehand. I, and everyone else around you is begging. CHIEFS 24-20.

Indianapolis at Minnesota (+2) - In the flip a coin game of the week, I have no clue who will win this one. Is Manning hurt more than we thought and dealing with a toasted WR in Harrison? Is Travaris Jackson a nimwit who can only run and throw the ball long? Do I just like to ask questions to fill space? I'll bet yes to all three questions before I'll bet on this game. Take the Colts just for the heck of it, but don't tell them I told you so. COLTS 28-24.

New England at Jets (-2.5) - The Favre effect is as much at play here than the absence of Brady. Here is a guy who floated up a pass on 4th and 13 to beat a team many think will roundly suck, and now they are expected to be a lock for the playoffs? Maybe I need to take a class in logic, because sportscasters obviously haven't. The Pats are still a good team. watch and see on Sunday. PATS 23-19.

Giants at St. Louis (+8.5) - I hate picking against home dogs, especially when it is their opener. You never should mistrust the emotion and lift the cheering can bring. Then again, my doctor also thinks I shouldn't drink as much. Let's just say that following advice isn't really my thing. GIANTS 31-13.

Pittsburgh at Cleveland (+5.5) - I keep wanting to think that the Browns aren't as bad as they looked on Sunday, but on closer inspection, they were worse than I thought. Dropped passes, missed coverages, poor tackling. That is not a winning formula for success even if you play the Raiders, let alone the Steelers. Cleveland might start 0-2 and worse yet, be winless at home. That's not good. STEELERS 24-17.

San Francisco at Seattle (-9) - Whomever placed this spread did a good job, because it is a frustrating one. Seattle looked horrid in Buffalo, but now they go back to a place where a bunch of caffeinated yahoos yell and scream like idiots. Shit, what else is there to do in the Upper Northwest besides supporting the Seahawks or hugging a tree? One is infinitely more fun to do, and it isn't a prerequisite to have hairy armpits to do it. Break out the pachouli. SEAHAWKS 28-6.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-8.5) - Another tough spread. Atlanta could keep games close this year because of their running game and their tough D. It isn't like Tampa has a juggernaut offense to break bulbs on the scoreboard. Ike Hilliard might be their speediest WR when Galloway's walker has a squeaky wheel. Take the points. BUCS 16-13 (Falcons cover)

New Orleans at Washington (-1) - The Redskins looked terrible against the Giants. I mean brutal. It looked like Jm Zorn implemented the opposite of the West Coast Offense. It was the run and stumble or the jog and miss. I don't think that gets fixed in one week. Danny Boy might have trouble figuring that out. He went 15-1 on Madden after dropping the first game. SAINTS 27-14.

Philly at Dallas (-7) - A huge MNF game. This is where we will see if the Eagles can stay even remotely close to the team everyone is Sharpie-ing into the Super Bowl. They won't win, but they might make Jerry Jones turn an even whiter shade of pale. That's right bitch - A Procol Harem reference! COWBOYS 23-20 (Eagles cover)

BEST BETS:
BILLS
STEELERS
SAINTS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against Spread: 8-8
Best Bets: 1-2 (-$120)

Well, not much of note from a performance standpoint in Week 1. Thursday Night put us up 1 bill and we gave it back by the end of the week as the Chargers and Colts started out of the gate slower than a nag in the 7th at Belmont. This week, I'm taking two road dogs and a divisional favorite, so the formula for success is an odd one. But i'm an odd guy. At least so I've been told. Unless being an "odd egg" is a compliment. Yummmmmmm. Eggs. Remember:

When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 1

2008-09-02T09:30:00.003-04:00

So I'm back from an extended vacation out of the country using last year's winnings. Alright, because of the shitty strength of the dollar, it wasn't that extended. Still, I took my $1,110 in profit going into the SB, then added $500 to it when the Giants won, and took my 65% winning percentage and my $1,610 and scooted off to a remote destination where the pina coladas taste like the sweet nectar of success.

Before we get into the nitty gritty of the new year, check out a new link on the right - The Pick Sheet. Normally, I don't prop up a fellow prognosticator, but these guys tackle college, an arena that kicks my ass so badly that I only stick to the NFL. Betting college put more holes in my wallet than acne put in Norv Turner's cheek.

It is going to be an exciting year for the FatMan's Picks. No doubt our good friend from across the pond, Lansdowne, will be checking in at some point, and I'm sure we will have the usual tribute edition to pop culture, Frank Sinatra, Thanksgiving, or whatever loosely-tied theme the FatMan thinks up. But for now, let's just look above and see if The FatMan can impart his winners to us. Wait, what's that right there??

It's a sign from the Big Guy! No, not the dude in the sky, but FatMan!! Let's here what he has to say. Let's go to The Sheet!

WEEK 1:
Washington at Giants (-3.5) - The Defending Champs step on the field when it matters for the first time since defeating the undefeatable, and yet since that time all I've heard is that they are one of the worst teams to win a SB, that they will suck this year, and that a fluke happened in 2007. Meanwhile, a lot of "experts" think Jim Zorn and the Redskins are on a rocket upward. Who hires these toolbag experts? Beating a team that nobody thought could be beaten should earn some respect points. looks like they'll just have to earn them again. This one will get ugly. GIANTS 31-17.

Coughlin says, "What the Fuck, experts!"

Arizona at San Francisco (+2.5) - I have to be honest, I'm in the dark on this one. I saw nothing of either team in the preseason, or given their geographic locations, I guess that should be "nada". Kurt Warner will bring his walker onto the field and probably still have more success than whomever SF trots out there. Who are they trotting out anyway?? JT O'Sullivan? Yeah, I see 2-14 in their future. CARDS 28-20.

Seattle at Buffalo (-1) - The Bills get to be home favorites in this one, but it will be a tough game for them. Seattle will be featuring a WR corps that I might have more experience than, and I'm about as fast as a tortoise. Still, the Bills are going to have problems of their own opening up holes or protecting Trent Edwards. The Bills do have one thing going for them - with JP Losman making the roster, they now have a surfer dude at QB for the 10th straight year. Hawaii must be proud. Here's to pulling one out for Ralph Wilson. BILLS 20-17.

Cincinnati at Baltimore (+1) - How bad is it for the Bengals?? In order to turn around their image, they made Chris Henry a team captain for the final preseason game and cut Rudi Johnson, one of their few model players. That sure looks like a team that wants to rebuild itself. How does Marvin Lewis still have a job? RAVENS 20-13.

Dallas at Cleveland (+5.5) - 2008 is a Crossroads Year for the Browns. Most people expect them to challenge for the division, but in past times, teams like this rise up temporarily, only to get smacked down to the ground like a piledriver from a fake wrestler. The year is already starting off with some minor injuries accumulating, and it doesn't help that America's "Darlings" are coming to town. Maybe the last image of Jerry Jones from last year might help...... COWBOYS 27-20.

Detroit at Atlanta (+3) - The more I see of Detroit, the more I think they will have a decent shot at winning this year. If their ancient QB can just shut his mouth and not make predictions on their win total, it will make it even better. Hey, Kitna - how'd that 10 win guarantee work out last year? LIONS 28-13.

Chicago at Indy (-9.5) - The Bears are an offensive mess this year. And just think, the defense probably didn't think it could be worse than when both Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones were in the locker room and the defenders all wanted to kick BOTH of their asses. Now those two malcontents are gone and the offense still lacks more punch than an O'Douls. There will be no Lovie-fest in 2008. COLTS 31-17.

Jacksonville at Tennessee (+3) - This is a matchup of two teams I couldn't pick right last year if you gave me the final score in advance. Tennessee is one of those teams that scrap and gnaws their way to close games, which is surprising given the dental makeup of the population. The Jags are one of the top defensive teams in the league, but watching them is like taking in C-SPAN while Congress is on recess. Push will come to shove, and I'm going to take the Jags in a close one. Don't put any money on this, as it would force you to actually watch the game. JAGS 24-19.

Kansas City at New England (-16.5) - No shine is off the Pats. Vegas is already swallowing Brady's trouser snake with more ferocity than Gisele. I have no idea what to expect from the Chiefs except that their coach is a moron. He must share a horseshoe with Marvin Lewis. Man that thing must be caked with brown fecal matter. PATS 38-14.

Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3) - Luckily for the Saints, there won't be a bunch of poo flinging idiots in the Superdome this week. But then Jeff Garcia comes into town....... Will they actually play this game or will FOX just show Katrina highlights in the time slot? You can never get enough of that. SAINTS 28-20.

Jets at Miami (+3) - I really don't know what to expect here except a bunch of people fawning all over Brett Favre. The Jets needed more than a QB to become better than average, yet everyone thinks they are legitimate contenders now. Perhaps a smackdown in Week 1 will quiet that? Upset Special from the Tuna! FINS 21-17.

St. Louis at Philadelphia (-7.5) - I think the Eagles win this one easily. the problem is the point spread. The Rams have enough firepower to keep this one close, and you know that McNabb's iffy stomach might hurl away a blowout. I'm taking the Eagles and hoping chunks don't start blowing my way. EAGLES 27-17.

Houston at Pittsburgh (-6.5) - The Texans might be plucky this year. You know, I really hate the term plucky. Nothing worse than a poultry descriptor to describe what is supposed to be a fierce fighting machine. But if I've offended a few macho morons from Texas, it might be worth using the term. What do you think about that, Ten Gallon Tex? STEELERS 21-17 (Texans cover)

Carolina at San Diego (-9) - The Bolts almost made everyone forget about how hideous Norv Turner's face is last year. But seeing past craters is tough business, and the Pats made sure this team with a mouthy, steroid freak at DE, an arrogant SOB at QB, and an underappreciated, egotistical guy at RB stayed home for the big game. We were all better off. CHARGERS 31-13.

Minnesota at Green Bay (-2.5) - Welcome to the Aaron Rodgers era. The last Aaron to play in Milwaukee hit it out of the park. The Pack are hoping this one will too. He;ll outplay Travaris Jackson, but that's like saying Roy Jones will out-box Butterbean. whatever happened to that pantload, anyway? VIKINGS 24-21.

Denver at Oakland (+3) - The second of the two Monday Night Games which means only people in Hawaii will be up to see the end of it. Who is the marketing genius that planned this? If I'm still up at 2AM watching this one, shoot me. Please. BRONCOS 24-17.

BEST BETS:
COLTS
CHARGERS
GIANTS

Last Year:
Straight Up: 180-84 (.682)
With Spread: 144-106-14 (.576)
Best Bets: 33-21-2 (.607) (+$1,610)

Well, there are the picks for week one. I say this every year, but this is the time to make the cash. Get on the bandwagon before the crooked Italians do. They are feeling out the public like little Johnny feels up his girlfriend at Inspiration Point. Find your thrill first, at Blueberry Hill. Speaking of food....
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn To The FatMan!

Random Thoughts Before Football Starts!!

2008-08-26T14:10:00.002-04:00

In another 9 days, the football season kicks off with the Defending Champion New York Giants taking on the Washington Redskins. That's right, the Defending Champion New York Giants:

So, in order to clear our minds and prepare our hearts for the impending title defense, let's bow our heads and take in some Random Thoughts:

Useless Nuggets -
- When a hockey goalie does something stupid, why is the first thing he does is reach for the water bottle? Is it dehydration causing the ineptitude?

- I've been to China more times than I can count and have never seen Calgon.

- I wonder if 9 months from the Political Conventions if a baby spike is seen. I think I'd rather watch reruns of the Yule Log then watch those farces. How about Kleenex usage?

- Maybe I'm just cold-hearted, but why do some people treat dropping off their kids somewhere like it is akin to them going away to College?? You'll see the little bastards in the matter of hours, yet some people use car line at school or the front step of a birthday party to treat it like it is the start of a Bataan Death March. It is embarrassing enough for me to watch in the car while a poor kid is getting smothered. Imagine how red-faced Junior is getting. You didn't leave a lasting impression of love on the kid, you just put a "Pants me now!" sign on their back without knowing it.

Great work!

- I'm no expert on age, but when I was 16, I didn't still have baby teeth and a toothless grin. Maybe the Chinese should spend less of their ancient secrets on Calgon and more on building enamel.

- Is Micheal Anthony Hall taking steroids? I know people fill out, but he's done a Bonds-like transformation from:

to:

He doesn't ask that you take a look at somebody's panties now, he shoves them down your fucking throat!

- I think some people are just born with a clueless gene built in. Otherwise I don't know how to explain one particular annoyance I see over and over again. Let's call it the Attack on the Unsuspecting Service Person. I agree that the title could be catchier, by the way.

Anyway, it goes something like this. A service representative is already overworked. They probably never hear somebody say, "Hey. Great job today", yet a bunch of people tell them they suck certain appendages. Usually, the person attacking falls into one of a couple of groups. He might be the Arrogant Food Critic. You know, he is the guy who orders his steak medium-rare, but has no fucking clue what medium-rare actually is. So when the meat comes to the table and juices come out of the pink center, the foodie screams at the waiter, making sure that all within earshot know that he has been given a poorly cooked piece of meat. The fucker has probably never gotten steak anywhere but the Golden Corral, yet he'll appear to be Paul Prudhomme. Being Loud and fat, only makes him more like Dom Deluise.

Instead of the Arrogant Food Critic, the person might actually be the Miffed, Weary Traveler. You've all seen this person. You might even have been this person. They are the ones who can look out on the runway (since all airports have windows) and see a tornado out there, yet will wonder why their flight is delayed. And then they will approach the counter and demand to get on the flight that is going absolutely nowhere anytime soon. At first, it might just be a gentle request. That's where most of us stop. But to the Miffed, Weary, Traveler, they crank it up 4 notches and start screaming at the airline worker as if they have been unjustly probed by the wand of a frisky attendant.

While that is annoying enough, the person that takes the cake is the Growling Gate Changer. He is the ignorant fuck who didn't hear the 25 announcements that his gate has changed, nor has he snuck a peek up at the many departure boards lining a concourse. No, he angrily stomps up to the podium and shouts at the airline personnel wondering how a plane departed or is soon departing from a different wing while he has been playing Tetris on his phone and couldn't take the iPod off long enough to see the hordes of people leaving 35 minutes ago. He demands justice! I'd give him a swift kick in the nads.

- How the hell is Cloris Leachman going to manage "Dancing With the Stars"? Can you imagine if she's given the quick step to do? She might break two hips.

- I was thinking about divergent career paths the other day and I looked at my right hand and said "Will Smith". I thought about the blockbuster films, the mega-stardom, the rap-singing career, the beautiful wife and family. and then the hand sunk like a rock as I looked at my left and said "Alfonso Ribeiro".

- How the hell did Frogger ever become a popular game?

- I shit you not, but I heard a Mom the other day admonish her son for calling "Shotgun" before entering the car. We are making pussies of everyone. By the year 3040, we'll all be sniveling windbags due to evolution. Except for maybe the religious zealots who will refuse to admit evolution has taken place.....

- In the "Hypocritical Act of the Week", I watched an unusual event last night. A team practicing next to my son's soccer team was getting a pretty good reaming from their coach for being too lax on the field. One of the Dads took exception and went out and charged at the coach for the guy being too hard on his kid. I wonder if he doubles as a Growling Gate Charger??

- I'm pretty sure there's something not right about using Fat-Free Crisco.

And on that note, this Fat Bastard is OUT!!! Next week is football time!

Woo Hoo!!!

FatMan's Preseason Predictions - 2008

2008-08-07T15:08:00.002-04:00

Another year already?? Where has the time gone? It seems like just yesterday when I was watching David Tyree make the best catch in NFL history and I was jumping around like a maniac after Plaxico nestled in the winning TD throw.

I almost STILL cannot believe that I saw the Giants as Super Bowl champs, Lombardi trophy winners, and defeaters of the undefeatable. I have enough equity built up for the next 15 years, but let's not go there.......

If we look at the recap of last year, the FatMan had 7 out of the 12 playoff teams pegged and had the Pats going to the Super Bowl and winning it, and the Giants losing to the Saints in the NFC title game. So overall, it isn't Kreskin-like, but probably a lot better than the fools at BSPN, especially the brain dead like Merrill Hoge. But the FatMan doesn't want to rest on laurels and only being half right, he wants to be 100% correct, and until he reaches perfection, he will be a surly, agitated motherfucker. For the love of humanity, let perfection be attained!

Enough babbling about angry fat men, let's take a look at how 2008 will play out and who will be lifting the Giants trophy next year:

AFC East
New England 13-3
Buffalo 9-7
Jets 7-9
Miami 6-10

AFC North
Cleveland 10-6
X - Baltimore 9-7
Pittsburgh 8-8
Cincinnati 5-11

AFC South
Indianapolis 11-5
X -Jacksonville 10-6
Houston 8-8
Tennessee 3-13

AFC West
S.D. 12-4
Denver 8-8
K.C. 6-10
Oakland 4-12

NFC East
Giants 11-5
X - Dallas 10-6
Philly 8-8
Washington 6-10

NFC North
Detroit 11-5
Minnesota 9-7
Green Bay 8-8
Chicago 6-10

NFC South
New Orleans 11-5
Tampa Bay 9-7
Carolina 7-9
Atlanta 6-10

NFC West
Arizona 10-6
X -Seattle 9-7
St. Louis 6-10
S.F. 4-12

AFC Champion - San Diego
NFC Champion - New York
SB Champ - Giants
Coach of the Year - Ken Wisenhunt
Offensive MVP - Peyton Manning
Defensive MVP - Justin Tuck

That's right - it's a repeat!!! The Lombardi Trophy is going nowhere!!

It has been an interesting offseason. Favre retired, then came back, then got his own category on the ESPN Bottom line. Now, much of America wants to punch him in the balls. Twice. Javon Walker was beaten on the street until video showed him getting beaten in a hotel and then walking to the street. Then he threatened to retire, and failed to follow through. Strahan did follow through, leaving FOX with a big ass gap in the studio, but not such a large one on the Giants, as Osi and Tuck are up to the challenge.

Steve Smith punched another dude from behind, earning the Michael Westbook Award for Sucker Punching, his second piece of hardware in the past few years. The Redskins lost two DE's the first day of camp and signed an accomplished dancer. Danny Boy must have been watching ABC with a passion. Jeremy shockey was traded to the Saints, putting him right in the epicenter of a party district, but still within wafting distance of Tara Reid's fetid hatchet wound.

And after that, is there really anything else to report??

Three Teams Who Could Surprise -
Houston- In what seems to be a team always on the cusp of turning the corner, we find a squad that has to contend with Indy and Jacksonville continually who keep slapping their asses back towards the cellar. On the bright side, what a difference a year makes in the way people look at Mario Williams. Just another example of why every talking head on ESPN should get shit-canned. Between calling Williams a bust and their nightly Giants bashing, how can any of them actually look at the camera with a straight face and say that they are bringing insight??. It is amazing how many times the Giants were going to fire Coughlin, replace Eli, or lose a playoff game. But I digress on a tanget of stupidity! Back to the Texans, so instead of contending, this team will be asking once again, "How come the Panthers and Jags got all the breaks as expansion teams and we were dealt the shit?", because they are still digging out from under a pile of dung. Don't count them out, but don't bet on them while the Colts and Jags have fly swatters in their hands.

Buffalo - Look, nobody expects anything out of this group - and why should they. The OL is horrid, they don't know who is going to be throwing the ball at QB, they have a running back hitting clueless pedestrians in the offseason, and they play in the NFL's version of Siberia. Players don't seem to think about playing football there, they are thinking about ways to escape the gulag and get the fuck out of Dodge. But even through all of this, the Bills show pluck. I have no idea how they do it, but maybe being around an owner with one foot in the grave shows them just how fragile life can be, or maybe they realize that if Buffalo fails, they might end up in Toronto or LA, which believe it or not are both worse than Siberia. Nyet!!

Cleveland - One time a long, long time ago, people feared going into Cleveland. Mainly, it was out of fear of getting shot or mugged, but there was fear nonetheless. Since the city has put the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in and revitalized its look, people have become more pussified, which is great for those looking to remain stab-free, but really sucks for players on a gridiron. They have a TE who gets hurt doing wheelies on a moped, and a QB in the wings who has gay porn star written all over him. Fortunately, some of the attitude is coming back. Fans might actually think about pelting people with dog bones sometime soon, and not get laughed at for doing it in a 30-7 rout. Then again, the pussification of Cleveland could continue. This is why they play the games, to find these burning questions out.

Three Teams Who May Disappoint -
Washington - Alright, give it up to the Washington Redskins - the NFL Paper Champions in July for the 13th straight year. And this is what creates a double-edge sword. Expectations get raised so high, for so many terrible reasons, that the Redskins can't help but suck dick like a porn star. They have a new coach, a rotating defense, and inexperience at a lot of places, not to mention pretty poor depth, yet a lot of "experts" have them doing well. Don't listen to the experts, listen to the FatMan.

Green Bay - I know the Brett Favre thing is played out more than a drama queen at a wedding, but the reality is, the Pack are unlikely to repeat their success from last year. They were amazingly healthy at key positions and stumbled onto a gold mine with Ryan Grant at the one position they had injuries at. Don't expect that kind of good luck to continue. I think even with Favre, they were going to be in tough shape, now when they realize the poor performance, everyone is going to use causation to blame it on Brett's departure. And there, I used my big word for the day....

Miami - The other rite of Fall, other than proclaiming the Redskins champions and to watch the Bengals commit heinous crimes, is to watch the Dolphins horribly miss expectations. This year, it could be tough to miss expectations because they are set lower than Vern Troyer's urinal. Still, the arrival of Tuna brings the arrival of reeling in a big fish and pulling out a playoff berth. If they do that, Little Bill might even give his former mentor props. However, it is more likely that Little Bill will give a smug smile under his hoodie as the Fins stumble to the bottom again.

Well, there you have it - the annual list of winners and losers. Don't take it to the bank, take it to Vegas and then take it to the bank. Compound interest has nothing on Vegas odds. It's the offseason and already I feel like a fat cat. Join me in having some Whiskers. Actually, give me a whiskey....... Remember,

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan!

Do You Want to Dance?

2008-07-11T10:03:00.002-04:00

There is an excerpt in Anthony Bourdain's book "Kitchen Confidential" where he talks of interviewing for a position at Bobby Van's Steakhouse, and after what was a successful meeting, Van asks one final question, "What do you know about me?" Bourdain, not trying to put his foot in his mouth replies back that he knows little to nothing. That's a fair enough response, but the actual question Van asked was ,"What do you know about MEAT?" Suffice it to say with meat being a top seller at a steakhouse, Bourdain didn't get the job.

What does that story have to do with me?? Well, I made a similar faux pas this week with far lower implications to my professional or even personal life. Let's just say I'm getting to be an old man, my "game" is in decline, and now I'm starting to look like a bumbling idiot in public. In what was a conversation with a person I will never speak to again, I started looking like the rubes I trash day in and day out. I'm becoming the idiots I rail against. Perhaps this is the sad understanding of aging? Maybe I'm just making a huge deal out of this as filler for a blog. All I know is that I'm far too embarrassed about something so minor. So what is the atrocity? Let me set it up for you......

The evening started with an innocent trip to an Irish Pub to meet an acquaintance.

After a couple of pints, some authentic Irish chicken wings, and getting tired of being two grown men slapping each other on the back in a strictly heterosexual fashion, we decided to head out for more decadent surroundings. Let's just say that when I meet with this particular acquaintance in DC, we have gone out to probably the most seedy exotic dancing club I've ever been at - AND I LOVE IT!! In Charlotte, I'm afraid the seediest place I knew would end up having one of us looking at a toe tag of the other making early AM identifications to a uniformed officer and a coroner.

Here is where mistake #1 was made - I pride myself on being great with directions and locations, but admittedly, my knowledge of the exotic dancing underworld is dated at best. Like I said above, I'm now an old man with no game. The only Poles I see are one's with "z"'s on the end of their name, my once-lush hair has collected in drainage pipes across the land, doing shots means taking the kids in for boosters, and a lap dance is this neat little trick I do where I flip the TV remote off of one thigh and have it perfectly come to rest on my other thigh. Librarians and accountants find me boring. So I confidently head to my vehicle and plan to go to the seediest place I know. As I approach the building, I find it no longer exists. It is now a pawn shop. I don't take the time to peer in the window to see if the poles are still installed, but at least the prior name fits the new place well - The Gold Club.

Seeing that my lack of strip club experience has been advertised in full force, I quickly drive to a place that was nearby and one that was sure to have talent with sagging boobs, fat asses, and tufts of hair in unwanted locations. I chose the Crazy Horse Club. It's Wednesday Night and as we pull up, a Bachelor Party is entering. I didn't ask the poor fuck either of the two questions that immediately came to mind:
1) Why are you having a bachelor party on a Wednesday with less than 10 people?
2) Why are you at the Crazy Horse? Was Chuck E. Cheese all booked up?

Little did I know, later that night I would surely be the one being mocked in the inner recesses where strippers hang out as they fluff themselves and prepare the grueling task of straddling a greasy pole. At least following the half dozen party members allowed us to act as if we were with them and get half off the cover charge. Covers are for pussies. At least that's what we said several decades ago when I last was in a strip club.....

So what was this completely embarrassing event?? As we settled into a stage-side seat and enjoyed a beer, we were approached by a couple of the "ladies". Actually not too bad on the eyes which surprised me. After about 15 minutes, a nice-looking blond sits next to me and just starts talking. She's not trying to get me to buy a dance, she's not trying to up my tab by getting me to buy her a drink. She's just talking about normal stuff. Everytime I go into one of these clubs I say the same thing to myself - "Don't believe a word. Don't connect with them. Just smile and stare at their tits like a derelict." Unfortunately, I'm a bleeding heart at the core who thinks he can make a difference. Perhaps this is the cruel irony of strip clubs. Everyone wants to just look at decadence, but that small part wants to put aside the imagery of ass reaming a person oozing sexuality and take them over as a project. Either that, or I've been missing the point of strip clubs my entire life. And that is entirely possible. Man, I'm a rambling idiot today....

So anyway, I'm talking to this girl who says she's from Syracuse. For all I know she's from some cow town in Nebraska. It isn't like we have the same social circles where I can ask her if she knows so-and-so. After every sentence, I'm waiting for the hard sell for a lap dance or anything that will give this girl cash. She talks about wanting to be a paramedic. Not asking me for cash to train in the exciting field of saving lives. It's got to be coming. I'm waiting. Then she talks about getting a breast reduction last year, which sort of deflates the fantasy. But when she says that her nipples have actually gotten more sensitive, I'm listening. Is this where she asks for a $50 to give me the pleasure of suckling her now-smaller, more sensitive funbags? Nope. Not yet. I'm waiting. She flashes a tongue piercing and talks about her oral fixation. I'm listening harder now, if you know what I mean.... Still, no solicitation. Now I'm getting self conscious. Do I smell? Is my stupid rugby shirt screaming out that I lack style and savvy? I completely ignore my friend and I spend the next several minutes trying to figure out if a chicken wing piece is starting to rot in my molar, giving out a stench, or if she can peer under my hat to see a shiny dome? What have I done wrong??

She then tells me she likes girls. Now I'm really conflicted. I'm aroused but even more self-conscious of myself. Did I drive her to this alternate lifestyle? Is it just a line like somebody would use to say, "We should just be friends"? Where's the hard sell for cash. Dammit. Does she think I'm on welfare and it isn't the first of the month so I don't have cash? I am not an animal, I am a human being!!!

Another ten minutes goes by. She's talking about sports now. We aren't even talking about small breasts, sensitive nipples, or girl-on-girl action. We are talking football! What the holy fuck have I gotten myself into? Was this girl born with a silver spoon in her, because she concealed it pretty well when on the pole. Does she not need cash? Is she undercover? I'm starting to sweat. My petty neurosis is flaring up. WHERE IS THE SOLICITATION??

I start replaying how many beers I've had. Maybe I'm just hammered and can't fathom this deep level of social interaction. I calm myself down. A song comes on the sound system and she says, "Do you want to dance?" What? Dance? Me? Am I at a prom? How do I answer this odd question? I look at her and give the Aw, shucks routine of, "No. I don't dance well at all." As soon as the words are out, I realize I've done something wrong. I'd like to think it was my self-awareness, but the biggest clue was her maniacally cackling at me. "No, funny man. Would you like a dance?" ....

As some top 40 hit blares on the jukebox, I can barely muster a smile as these tiny sacs bounce in front of me. I catch a glimmer off of the tongue bar, but all it does is interrupt myself concentrating on what a horse's ass I just looked like. Why would she want to dance with me?? How can I be so deaf and stupid at the same time? After an hour of pandering to me, she gets $10 for a lap dance. I give her $20 hoping she'll keep this little exchange to herself as she empties her already empty pockets backstage. I can't save this poor girl - I need to save myself!

This, my friends is why growing old and being clueless are what you want to avoid. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant, but what would the fun in that be? If I was blissfully unaware, how could I take one line out of an otherwise normal night and make an entire story around it?

I'll let you ponder that, I have to go brush my teeth, especially my molars......

Meester Smith - the FatMan's Preseason Write-up will be coming next week. Don't expect any love for the Bucs. And for fuck's sake, click on my profile in the upper right hand corner and drop me a line so I have your address!

Adios!

Developing a Filter

2008-06-25T08:58:00.004-04:00

fil·ter [fil-ter] –noun

1.	any substance, as cloth, paper, porous porcelain, or a layer of charcoal or sand, through which liquid or gas is passed to remove suspended impurities or to recover solids.

2.	any device, as a tank or tube, containing such a substance for filtering.

3.	any of various analogous devices, as for removing dust from air or impurities from tobacco smoke, or for eliminating certain kinds of light rays.

4.	Informal. a filter-tipped cigarette or cigar.

5.	Photography. a lens screen of dyed gelatin or glass for controlling the rendering of color or for diminishing the intensity of light.

6.	Electronics, Physics. a circuit or device that passes certain frequencies and blocks others.

7.	Mathematics. a collection of subsets of a topological space, having the properties that the intersection of two subsets in the collection is a subset in the collection and that any set containing a subset in the collection is in the collection.

–verb (used with object)

8.	to remove by the action of a filter.

9.	to act as a filter for; to slow or partially obstruct the passage of: The thick leaves filtered the sunlight.

10.	to pass through or as through a filter.

–verb (used without object)

11.	to pass or slip through slowly, as through an obstruction or a filter: Enemy agents managed to filter into the embattled country.

The term is a pretty generic one. Its function is to keep bad stuff from getting into good stuff. Sounds like a good topic for a scientific discussion, but what is it doing on a blog entry from a degenerate?? Funny you should ask. I think I need to develop a filter in everyday conversations.

Look, I'm not saying that having a filter is always a good thing. But it might be a safer tact for me to take. I mean, in the past, I've berated a guy for being a sloppy drunk, all the while I was equally hammered. I yapped back at a couple of rednecks toting weaponry in their truck as they called me a racist slur for blaring Usher from my car stereo. I nearly got into half of a dozen bar fights if it weren't for the fact that my best friend was a John Elway look-alike who stood 6'5" behind me and for some reason was willing to back my antics. I've insulted people in grocery stores for cutting lines, in restaurants for treating their waiters like shit, in airports for general dumbassery, on highways for people cutting into traffic, and in pretty much any place you've been. Probably even in a church. For some reason, I see something and I speak. Audibly. Under my breath is not a term I understand. If I think it, I say it, and it is heard. So back to the original topic, should I have a filter or would it reduce the person I am? Would I fail to be the sarcastic wiseguy? Would I suddenly be more polite? Would I become boring? I laugh hard at people without filters. Of course, they usually get paid to not have filters. Look at the recently passed George Carlin:

He loved not having a filter. Of course, I never fucked up in front of him, so I never saw if he had a filter in public or not. Frankly, not having a filter reduces the amount of memorable exchanges I have with people. And really, if you can't have memories, what can you have to take from random encounters?? Without a filter, I wouldn't remember the bearded guy I once screamed across a 5-foot divide at "Hey, that's Kenny Loggins!! Kenny Loggins!!" even though the man paid little resemblance to the iconic singer. In fact, this guy who was probably out for a quiet drink or two probably was wondering why some asshole was taunting him with Kenny Loggins references over a brutal 2-hour period? That case of non-filtering I chalk up to numerous beers and a terrible New York Knicks loss.

But I wonder if the guy remembers me, even if it is a story he tells to decry being out at a bar, lest he turn into a drunken asshole like this guy he once encountered. I know I remember him. But I'm alright. Don't nobody worry about me.........

Filters exist because without them, it would be mass chaos. The fat turd at the buffet wouldn't be able to get through a meal because several patrons would have already queried the mammoth eater on why he was making another trip to the trough. The person with a thong clinging to a skin roll would probably be called a tramp. A politician would shoot himself in the foot at every campaign stop. A person in the crowd would ask a question, and he'd inevitably respond, "Yes, that is a good question, but I will just tell you what you want to hear and most likely do the opposite."

In daily life, filters are frowned upon, but go to a ballgame. Do they exist there?? I've heard people call Donovan McNabb's birth a slap in the face of abortion. Referees are called blind pig fuckers nightly. The blond in Row 13 who hasn't been called pretty in 20 years will rip her top off so that she can at least get some attention.

Without a filter, would I have said what others are hoping to say, but can't get past their filters?? Like just yesterday at the airport. One of my alltime greatest non-filtered comments happened. My plane is about to board, and due to my great looks and charm, I have secured a First Class seat. Well, we all know the drill. As soon as the flight is announced, EVERYONE stands up and charges the gate. Even the schmucks in Zone 7. This is a topic of another blog entry, and actually the boarding by zone issue has also induced a lot of unfiltered comments. Usually, this will be done more passively. Like I'll see somebody in front of me with a Zone 5 ticket and I'll gently remind them that they are free to board about 10 minutes from now. Or , to the person that is arguing with the ticket-taker on why they can't board the plane before their zone, I'll say, "Gee, you're questioning her competence, all the while proving that you don't know how to read a ticket." Actually, I never say "gee". I use sort of a gutteral sound that's oozes disdain. Sort of like a German pronouncing "ch".

Anyhoo, back to yesterday. As the First Class people approach the gate and make our way through the throng of Zone 5'ers blocking the way, one particularly obtrusive guy is standing right by the desk. He looks at the onrushing crowd and announces, "Dividend Gold member here, dividend Gold, but not First Class." Either due to filtering or the fact that most people thought that perhaps this guy was shilling the usual USAirways pitch to sign up for some offer, nobody said a word. The man was obviously as disappointed as I was (for different reasons) that nobody responded, so he persists. "That's right. Dividend Gold member, but not flying First Class." By this time, I'm at the desk, ticket in hand, about to be torn, and the filter retreated and I say to the man, "Thanks for the update. What's next, telling us your penis size?"

Now, what happens next is a situation that usually happens when people with filters encounter somebody without one. There is a mixture of silence and nervous laughter. The man was silent, probably trying to comprehend how somebody had the audacity to insult a Gold Member, while the rest of the Zone 5'ers chuckled nervously. But what I noticed was that the First Class guys were laughing. One guy said, "Good one". Another guy said, "There one of those assholes on every flight". I actually was toasted when we got our pre-flight drinks. And I think. That wasn't so bad, now was it? Maybe having a filter isn't the worst thing in the world. At least for now.

People can rest easily knowing that for now - I'm still an asshole.

By the way - Meester Smith - click on my profile to the left. You can email me using that address! You idiot Buccaneer fan.......

A White and Black Striped Canary??

2008-06-11T08:17:00.004-04:00

Ahh, the trials and tribulations of the NBA. Even in one of their most successful seasons since the hey day of Jordan, something pesky is in the air. Scientists have identified it as a new species of a black and white canary. It is being called Canaris Donaghy Painintheassis. Here is a photo of this rare creature making it's traditional whistle:

Why is this canary causing so much agita among the NBA?? Well, because he is now beginning to talk about further corruption with games possibly being fixed. Should anyone believe a man who is going to be locked up? I don't know. What I do know is that he's bringing up things that were quite evident when they happened as being suspicious. But before I go any further, let me tell you a story........

Here's a Little Story About a Man Named Jed:
OK, it isn't about Jed. It is about a younger FatMan. A FatMan who lived and breathed the NBA right behind the NFL. He had more Knicks gear than Giants gear. He would painfully tape his fingers together like Bernard King and shoot baskets. He worshipped Patrick Ewing. Since he was bulky and couldn't jump high (or really even jump at all), he fashioned his game as if he were Charles Oakley. After the Knicks made the playoffs in the late 90's, he and a fraternity brother made the declaration that if the Knicks didn't win the Championship, he'd shave his head. Let's just say that Charles Smith's arms weren't the only things hacked at the disappointing end to that season. Here is a view of what happens if Smith isn't fouled repeatedly by the Bulls:

So we had a bald FatMan who bled orange and blue. But soon, he bled less and less, until one day he skids while going up for a layup and looks down to see only red flowing from his knee. It's now 2002 and the big guy has regrown his hair and hasn't watched a second of an NBA game since 2000. Why?? Simply put, he felt that the league favored star players, that their refs were the biggest bunch of corrupt egomaniacs around, and that his Knicks had been given the shaft far too often. He didn't believe in a league-wide scandal, just a case of reffing gone bad combined with a liliputian-like commissioner who dreamt of himself as a Giant. So he decides to turn back on the game he once loved so much. It was game 6 of the 2002 playoffs, Kings vs. Lakers.

He watches in disbelief that the Lakers spend more time shooting free throws in the 4th quarter than they did shooting from the field. 26 FT's in the quarter alone. Vlade Divac's chest fouls Shaq's elbow. Another King's face fouls Kobe's elbow. There are fouls off the ball. Fouls on the ball. But strangely enough, hardly any fouls from the purple and gold. The Kings were watching a robbery. FatMan was watching a robbery. The whole country was watching a robbery. And maybe right there is the point at which David Stern's greed got the best of him. I don't know if that game was fixed by the NBA. I'm pretty sure it was fixed by the refs. Regardless of the reason, Stern didn't realize that he just lost a tremendous amount of viewers and fans to the sport because of that game. Including FatMan. Before this game, he went two years without watching a minute of play. After that game, it would be over 5 years later that he'd see even a few seconds of play.

But you know what? David Stern didn't seem to care. He had International exposure and a World-wide talent base coming to play in his league. But who was watching?? A league that once was #2 in TV viewership had slipped to #4 behind NASCAR!! But the man with a Napoleanic complex didn't surrender. Frankly, he didn't give a shit. He let rogue officials operate for years without doing much. Remember the scandal where the refs were making thousands of dollars on plane tickets? How about when they would scalp game tickets? How about guys like Joey Crawford who held personal grudges against several players and coaches? Was he banned from reffing certain games? No. In fact, Crawford worked a Spurs playoff game just this year after being in a ridiculous feud with Tim Duncan last year. Stern demands no accountability. Is that bad?

On the surface, it isn't bad, but the man can't have his cake and eat it too. He can't claim to be the Czar over the league (of course this is different from the Czar of the Telestrator, Mike Fratello), and then claim ignorance about a "rogue official" like the Canaris Donaghy. He hired this man. This man conducted his fraud wearing an NBA-issued uniform. This man was an active referee who altered the outcome of games. Stern can't just come on air and wash his hands of responsibility. Afterall, this is a man who claims to be intimately involved in all aspects of the league. He's quick to tell us that this is just one renegade, but history shows us otherwise. There were a dozen refs involved in the tickets-for-cash scandal. Ever since Bennett Salvadore trolled the floor, there have been refs who have made themselves larger than the game at times. Knowing this ego base, is it really that far of a stretch to think that some tried to profit on the side?? And, if refs were actually told to alter outcomes, an accusation that is far from proven, wouldn't it also lower their inhibition to alter games on the own and make money doing so?

So what is this whole thing boiling down to? It is the Barry Bonds Effect.

The Barry Bonds Effect?? What the hell is that! It is where a party goes so profusely over the top in maintaining that nothing is wrong, that it actually begins to look like something is wrong. Let's see - for years, players were given preferential treatment by the NBA. This isn't a new revelation. I feared Michael Jordan more when he had 5 fouls than any other time because the man was going to have to kill somebody to get disqualified. He knew it too, so he started hacking off arms. For years, refs were able to dictate the flow of games using the whistles. The league tried to blame this on the Pistons plodding style of play, but the fact was, the refs used it in cases where teams even had the flow. See the Lakers vs. the Kings above. For years, people compared the NBA to the WWF. Now, younger people will admonish us who have stopped watching by telling us the players are bigger, faster and better than before and the quality of play is up. Oddly enough, I hear the same things about today's professional wrestlers and it doesn't do a damn bit of good to get me back watching that sham.

So what's the bottom line. I don't know. I also don't think any of us normal sports fans know. David stern knows and won't tell us. I also think the Canaris Donaghy Painintheassis knows a little bit, but we won't believe him. All I know is that I stopped watching basketball after that fateful Game 6. And it hasn't really bothered me one bit or no more so than missing the last 85 Wrestlemanias. I just wonder sometimes that we are so quick to dismiss the words of a disgraced person. Whether it be the Canaris Donaghy Painintheassis or a Jose Canseco, do we assume all is not true simply because they aren't good people? I don't know how good a person David Stern is, other than he looks better dressed up in public. A lot of things Jose Canseco has said are true. A lot of things are false. And above all he is an asshole. But it seems to me that sometimes we don't want the truth. We just want the conflict of good vs. bad. Don't for one minute think David Stern doesn't realize this, too. And you know what? The black and white canary will be made black and blue by the NBA to keep it that way.

We've probably been cheated, but we'll never know the truth. Next year, you can plan on hearing how great the NBA is and see the usual egomaniacs blowing whistles again. And we'll be told with a calm voice, "Move along. There's nothing to see here". I've moved along. I wonder how long it will take for the rest of the dupes to join me?

Are You THAT Guy??

2008-05-28T15:00:00.003-04:00

There is a saying in poker that if you look around the table and can't tell who the fish is - then it is you. And that really is a key maxim in poker. You have the freedom to get up from the table if you can't tell who the ATM is. And you should be able to tell within a few hands. Unfortunately, if you are the fish in life, well, then you have a bigger problem.

No. This blog entry isn't about Jamie Gold. It is about being THAT guy. Who is THAT guy?? He's the guy that people tolerate to a point and then shun. He's the guy that grabs the bride's ass during a wedding reception dance. He's the guy who cheats at drinking games. He's the guy who plays air guitar in public.

Truth be told - at some point in our lives, we've probably all been that guy. I was that guy for most of my Junior year in College. I was the guy people tolerated until about 10PM and then said, "Fats, you're drunk - get lost" as they tried to hook up with the skank of the night. I was the guy who wandered into the keg fridge and saw a dozen roses and a bottle of champagne and thought it was community property. While one of my brothers was getting an ass chewing by his significant other, I was sipping on a post-coital glass of bubbly with twelve blooming buds in a nearby vase and a naked chick on the bed. I was the guy who wore a toga at non-toga parties. Usually THAT guy is a drunken idiot, and in college, it is like being a Will Ferrell character - it gets you laughs and keeps the fun rolling.

But at some point, being THAT guy loses its appeal. Generally, if you are older than 30 and still THAT guy - you have issues. Recognizing you are THAT guy is the first step. How do you know if you are THAT guy or not? Usually, a few things happen.

- The rest of your usual group is getting together but you aren't invited. Normally, you figure this out when one of the guys slips and says, "Man, last month at Phil's party...." and then a pregnant pause because he broke the code in THAT guy's presence.
- The phone only rings when it is your Mom or a telemarketer.
- At a party when you finally do get invited, when you walk up to a crowd, they disperse as if being paged to attend to an ER trauma.
- When you fish around to see what is up for the weekend, everyone plays like Damone and says, "Ahhh, geeez Rat. I'm kinda busy...."

But those signs nonwithstanding, being THAT guy has a stigma that will take years to remove. You usually need to build up multiple appearances when you don't step on your dick. But as we've seen above, those appearances are limited. So in other words, once you are THAT guy, you stay THAT guy for awhile. As with most things in life, being self-aware is probably the best thing you can do to avoid being that guy. If you throw up in a buddies bushes lining his $600,000 house, you are probably THAT guy. If you are mumbling words at 1AM so poorly that people think you are a foreigner, you are THAT guy. If you go to a dinner party wearing a wife-beater and bringing a 40 ouncer as the hostess gift, you are THAT guy. and when you are older than 35 - you don't want to be THAT guy.

Truth be told, I'm proud to have been THAT guy when I was younger. I think it gives somebody a well-roundedness to them. Since I've turned 35, I don't think I've been THAT guy, which is mainly why I chose 35 as the age to stop the shenanigans. Being THAT guy in the past allows me to also be like a Born Again Christian and rail on those who now are THAT guy with a sneering disdain on my face.

Maybe the fear of THAT guy is why religions discourage dancing and drinking. Those aren't things the devil does - they are things THAT guy does. Dancing only leads to problems if THAT guy starts projectile vomiting when he is twirling around the center of a disco circle. Drinking only leads to problems when THAT guy is working the room with a bottle of Jack in his hand. You see, THAT guy doesn't mind bucking modern convention that says, "Thou shall not walk around a room with an open bottle of liquor while sober." Think about it. When is the last time anyone strayed from beyond a barstools length of the cabinet with an open bottle of liquor if they weren't completely tanked?? Maybe eating pork is frowned upon by some religions because THAT guy took some liberties with cloven-hoofed animals. Hey, you never know. THAT guy is unpredictable.

Two polar opposites of behavior are fighting and fucking, but THAT guy usually makes a choice between those two at a party. And if it goes all the way to option 3, that means getting naked and running around.

Clearly a picture of THAT guy. Note the nakedness, beer belly, and odd facial hair.

Oddly, I don't know how to give advice to THAT guy on how to shed the label. Usually a life event must be crossed. Mine was having children, as getting married still didn't fully erase the stigma. But if you're a 40 year old single guy, you might be fucked. At that point, you have two options. Embrace being THAT guy and continue to get your name in the blotter every once in awhile. Note that 40+ year olds in the blotter are usually career criminals, the extreme aged who have lost their mind, or a collection of THAT guys.

The other option is to stay inside and never venture out again. Sounds harsh, but look at poor old Nick. He's the poster child for all THAT guys. Garish Hawaiian shirt, bags under eyes, hair too long for the age or the head, skin like a gecko, and a stench of stale cigarettes.

So look around you. If you can't tell who THAT guy is. It is probably you. Good luck......

Kudos to the Men Behind the Scenes - Especially Ronnie Barnes

2008-05-20T09:31:00.002-04:00

Most of the people reading this blog are avid sports fans. We watch mortals hurl themselves down a field, into walls, through other men, around a diamond, up a court, into the stands, across a tape and then down a corridor, over hurdles, into plexiglass, around a pitch, and other assorted areas of a sports arena. This is the crux of their livelihood. They must be able to run faster, jump higher and be stronger than their peers or they will no longer be able to earn a living in their profession. This means an injury can not only negate any advantage they have, it can also give them a disadvantage. Following this train of logic, prevention and recovery from injuries is a HUGE part of maintaining success.

Who helps prevent and recover from injuries?? Some of the most overlooked people in the locker room - the athletic trainers, the conditioning coaches, the fitness experts, the nutritionalists, the yoga instructors, etc. Let's focus on the athletic trainers....

If you ever have the good fortune to walk into a locker room, you will see a trainer there for what seems like 24/7. They run that area. They are in at the crack of dawn and leave in darkness. They start the whirlpools, make sure the stationary bikes are oiled and functioning. They replace the weights left scattered on the floor by guys rushing off to detail their Hummers. In short, they run the inside and out of the athletic center. Most of these guys do it for the love of their profession. They aren't paid a king's ransom. Some could make more by leaving a team and starting up their own practice for sports rehab, or even join an existing practice. Some don't get paid at all and intern with a team for a period of time. It isn't easy work. They have to haul large boxes of tape and equipment. Wrap ankle and knee, after elbow and groin, player after player. Yet, talk to an athletic trainer and you will rarely hear a peep of frustration. These people love what they are doing and they take it seriously.

A lot of times when multiple players get injured over the course of a season, fans begin questioning the competence of the trainers. If they only knew more, they may not do so. In many ways, athletic trainers are doing the equivalent of arming a band of Pygmies with spears against a superpower with nuclear weapons. The tools of their trade are archaic. Support devices are tapes, cotton pads, fabric band-aids (or as I like to call them - Coverlet), and an assortment of cobbled-up devices to reduce the pain of things like brush burns, turf toe, skin tears, etc. Men who are larger and faster than their counterparts in the 70's are pretty much using the same materials those smaller, slower players used to protect themselves.

I could go into a dissertation about physics, but I will refrain from doing so in order not to lose the slower people reading this article, but let's just say that this:

Is not going to stop this:

From happening. At best, an athletic tape applied correctly can stop a force of a couple hundred pounds. A 300 pound lineman rushing full speed at the knee or ankle of a RB is going to result in close to a ton of force getting placed on a joint. In other words, probably 10 times the failure point of tape is getting applied during most plays in the NFL. Yet, relatively few injuries result from this archaic lack of protection. Mainly because of the vigilance of the trainers.

Equipment is another story. Helmets, pads, footwear, braces, undershirts, hydration systems, cooling fans, field materials, etc. have all improved greatly in the past 20 years. The trainers have learned to combine out-dated means of protection to work with modern means. And it isn't easy. Knee braces these days are modern miracles of engineering, but some players simply cannot perform at their peak performance without a maximum range of movement. Footwear technology is terrific, but some players are bound by contracts to shoe manufacturers who may not have the top of the line protection. Players who have worn shoddy headgear for years are accustomed to this poor protection and are loathe to switch to a better means of safety. A trainer not only has to understand the physical symptoms of injury and conditioning, they also have to deal with the psychological aspect of getting 300-pound lineman to wear compression stockings which look like pantyhose to treat swelling. They have to get admitted tough guys to constantly drink water in practices to remain hydrated. They need to inform the hard-headed that the ringing in their ears isn't a sign of delivering a hard hit, but is the sign of a concussion.

You are probably wondering why I'm lauding this group. I'm doing it because mainly nobody else does. These guys start their season when the draft ends. They order supplies. Prepare huge lockers of equipment that will be shuttled from practice fields back into the locker rooms, and onto buses and planes for traveling. They will get to practices several hours early to tape the players, retape them for the afternoon session, and then provide post-practice treatment. They will get tubs of Gatorade ready. Several dozen water bottles. They will have an arsenal of towels, tapes, scissors, coagulants, ointments, lotions and extra cleats ready to be used. They keep the players from having to worry about anything but playing. And mainly, I admire any group that does a job I can't. I don't want to work that hard!

RONNIE BARNES:

In all of my time working with trainers, there is one man who stands out among the rest. He is a man of impeccable character, excellent taste, an integrity of a highest order. He will treat you like a friend the first time he meets you and will always have a smile ready. He has been a president of the Professional Football Trainers Association. He has been lauded by his Alma Mater, East Carolina, he has been a trainer for 3 Super Bowl champion teams. He is the standard that other athletic trainers can be compared to. He is Ronnie Barnes:

It makes me proud to say that as a Giants fan, there are men like Ronnie Barnes who make the organization a standard of class. While Wellington Mara suffered from Cancer in his final days, Barnes was there to provide him care and support. That was not covered in his job description, but came from being a part of "The Giants family". Always being on the go is what drives this man. He is a trainer, but has educated surgeons on treatments, has written books to guide students, he has taught sports medicine clinic internationally, and he juggles the responsibilities of Administration with that of the day-to-day requirements of a trainer. You see, Barnes is not just the Head Trainer, he is the Vice President for Medical Services. He is already a member of the National Athletic Trainers Hall of Fame, and he has set several firsts for African-American trainers. The man is a legend who continues to thrive today.

Having men like Ronnie Barnes in the industry should drive others to reach a standard. He makes rooting for the Giants that much more rewarding. We see players hurtle at breakneck speeds and then forget them when they leave the game due to injuries. Ronnie helps us remember. He can't keep everyone healthy - no trainer can, but he can keep them as healthy as possible and best of all, treat them like respected men in the process.

Here's to Ronnie Barnes - a three-time Super Bowl champion, and one of the finest behind the scenes men of all time.

Cheers, Ronnie.

For the readers - toast Ronnie and then research the trainer of you favorite team to see the extensive backgrounds and achievements they've reached. Read more about Ronnie Barnes, not to laud the man, but to appreciate the contributions of the training staff. Learn something new today. Thanks.

Who is Jimmy Fallon Balling??

2008-05-15T10:48:00.002-04:00

In the "What the Fuck" move of the week, NBC announced that Jimmy Fallon will take over for Conan O'Brien when the lanky redhead slips into Jay Leno's spot presumably next year. On the surface, not much is being said about this, but HOLY SHIT!!!! (Yes I like to swear for emphasis).

Fallon is a dude who is most remembered as being the secondary character of most SNL skits, but does his best to grab the attention by giggling like a schoolgirl seeing Clay Aiken in person, flubbing his lines like a drunken Stacy Keach, or getting by just through a resemblance to Adam Sandler. And think about that. If you like Adam Sandler, then you can't stand Fallon because he tries to be like Sandler but doesn't have humor and uses an even more ridiculous falsetto voice. If you hate Sandler, then you hate hate Fallon because he is a cheap imitation. The only material he must be adept at delivering is blackmail information.

For Christ's Sake, the guy gets outshone by Rachel Dratch in a skit. You almost have to purposely try to be unfunny to have that happen. I'd like to take his fake Boston accent and shove it right up the Southie side of him!

Why is this a rant?? Because it shows just how far down the scale of comedy TV has fallen. Guys like Letterman and Leno weren't hacks on a declining SNL before getting gigs. They were guys who had shown a creative flair for writing comedy and then performing it as well. Conan O'Brien was a wild card. He wasn't known for performing comedy - he was known for creating really funny sketches. And then he really has developed into a fine host. But Fallon?? He has written some of the most unfunny skits, isn't that great of a performer, and has no stage presence. And it doesn't even stop at SNL. Did you see "Taxi!". If you did, call up the other 10 people and get me a review. Pronto.

Think about this - Leno, Letterman, and O'Brien all had years worth of funny comedic material to use as a draw for somebody looking to hire them. But Fallon....name one funny thing he's done outside of standing next to Gene Frenkel and Christopher Walken during the "More Cowbell" skit. Standing next to greatness is a whole lot different than achieving it. He puts his pants on one leg at a time and then stands next to the guy who makes gold records.

My buddy (who has horrible comedic taste, but that's a different subject) said, "Yeah, but even Jimmy Kimmel has a show." This is true. And Jimmy Kimmel is like Buster Keaton to Jimmy Fallon's Emo Phillips. I just lost a lot of people there, didn't I?

Jimmy Kimmel was also never a featured player on a once great show that has devolved into pure shit. And his talk show is actually pretty damn funny. But the guy has always made people laugh. I think Fallon's laughed more at the characters opposite him in skits than people have actually laughed at him.

I know this sounds like sour grapes, but how many more times do we have to see half-assed people get unfairly promoted??

Bryant Gumbel becoming the NFL Network announcer? Yeah, that worked out well if you were looking for senility from a guy who isn't even old.

Sean Salisbury as an NFL analyst? Great idea. Take a shitty QB with a raging drinking problem and give him a mike so he can tell everyone at home how a QB should be playing. I'd say he should eat his harsh words about Eli Manning, but he'd probably just throw them up with the litre of Jack Daniels in his stomach.

Paula Abdul not only becomes a judge but STAYS on as a judge for "American Idol"? I really don't know what her position is. She doesn't judge people singing. She judges how the fuck they are dressed. She doesn't give constructive criticism because she doesn't even give criticism. She sits there, drinking the loopy juice from her Coke glass and babbles on and on and on and on. Talk about a horrendous value-add from her.

So Jimmy Fallon will follow in the footsteps of the people I mentioned. He'll hack his way through a monologue, probably using a child-like voice when he recognizes a gig is not going well - it's his only out. Then, when that fails, he'll squint like Mr. Magoo and try some physical gags to cover for his serial unfunniness. Some people will laugh. Most of us will want to take a gun to ourselves wondering why the fuck are we still up. Maybe liquor sales will spike with the suicide rate. Or maybe TV's will be turned off and electricity consumption will rise. It's Jimmy's only way of helping out.

As Sue Simmons says: "What the Fuck Are you doing??"

The Offended Citizens of America Have Spoken - Ban Horse Racing!

2008-05-06T07:58:00.002-04:00

In what is becoming a more and more frequent rejoinder to daily life, people were SHOCKED and HORRIFIED by events that took place in the Kentucky Derby and demand something be done. You see, a horse died on National TV. Youth saw a horse put down on National TV. Parents were faced with tough questions on why a horse was put down on National TV!

Isn't that really what a lot of the "outrage" in life boils down to these days? People wanting to shelter others from harsh and evident truths? See a naked ass cheek on TV. Do you explain to your children that everyone has not one, but two ass cheeks, or do you call the FCC and lodge complaints?

If you said that you call the FCC, give yourselves 2 points!

I have trouble following the logic stream of people today. Apparently seeing tits and ass is dirty and bad, but watching blood gush out from a person shot in the head on CSI or ER is hunky dory. I've actually heard some people say that they know the shootings are fake, but that the body parts are real! OK. I'm trying to follow that logic. Apparently it is easier to "explain away" fake than in is something that can be flashed? Ah forget it. Whenever I try to make sense of the jumble, some 7-year old is making the news for lewd and deviant behavior for staring up the skirts of classmates. And that is where the dichotomy of events comes to a crashing point!

We want to shelter our kids. Protect them from the ugly truths in the world, but then when Little Johnny peeks up Susie's skirt, we want to place him in an institution for deviant behavior and brand him a pervert. Great way of sheltering the 7-year old. You don't think it's true?? Then start reading the news. Everyone expects the youth of today to be grown up by 5, but nobody really wants to teach them. Parents don't want the responsibility. They want the teachers to do it, but the teachers and coaches and mentors mustn't yell or get agitated, lest they break the spirit of these feeble tots.

We must cater to the children. Shield them from images unseemly. Keep them away from germs by using sanitizer like it is nectar of the God, Clorax. Never leave a child unattended. In the old days, there were latch-key kids who rolled around in dirt and sometimes broke free from their parents in department stores. The latch-key kids learned responsibility and how to do things on their own, the mud-caked grubs built up immunities to minor ailments, and the wayward youth hiding under clothing racks in Sears were returned to their parents. Now, find a latch-key kid and DSS will be on the doorstep by 5PM. Have a kid in dirt, and a trip to the emergency room for tetanus shots is a possibility. Lose Junior in the Bon Ton and Mall security might hold you until DSS can come and interview your fitness as a parent.
And all of this relates to a horse race how exactly??

Here's how. We are a society of hair-trigger, reactionary jackasses who preach what should happen after it has already happened. To them, a horse that dies racing is a travesty and should never happen, so to ensure it, we must not race horses again. We see a horse die and the animal lover inside of us takes arms. The parents rush to cover the eyes of the impressionable youth. The sports reporter looking for an edge has his hook for the next week. And in a way it is sad. Sad that the horse has died, but sadder still that people who think they are acting altruistically are acting as selfish as can be. All over a tragic event that had never happened in the Kentucky Derby before.

People don't want horse racing to end to protect the horses. They want it to end so that harsh realities aren't faced. It makes it easier on themselves not to confront tragedy. Or the reporter does it for personal gain. If he is the most outraged at the event, ESPN might pick up his rant, raising his professional platform and resume a bit higher than his peers. But worse yet in all of this are the misconceptions people throw around as if they are truths.
- Horse racing is cruel to animals
- Trainers and breeders only exist to make money and care little for their animals
- Degenerate gamblers are all that supports the sport
- Racing is fixed and thus it should disappear
- Whipping a horse is cruel and causes long-lasting harm

I won't debunk all of the above. All one has to do is visit a stable to see the love horse handlers have for the animals. When the great horse Barbaro broke his leg, the trainers and owners spent over $1M to get him healthy. Does that sound like a cold,unfeeling act? The sad fact is that once horses break a leg it is extremely difficult to get them back to a pain-free existence. Break two front ankles, and a horse simply cannot stand and can't be put in a position to heal. But people don't realize these harsh facts. They see horses in cartoons or movies running with grace and they can't fathom killing such a creature. To borrow from one of my most quoted movies:

You weep for Eight Belles, and you curse the sport. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Eight Belles death, while tragic, saved further pain. And that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. I know deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you don't want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline.

Is that a bit melodramatic? You bet your ass it is. But it is meant to prove a point. That people are selective in their outrage. This isn't just about sheltering kids. It is also about some self-important adults trying to make themselves seem more benevolent. If this tragedy had happened in Race 1 being shown on ESPN 6, would there be people making this a spectacle? Why not - would that horse be less important than Eight Belles, an animal that few outside of the degenerate gambling world knew prior to Saturday? Because this happened in the view of a wider audience, that is why there is outrage. A violent act seen on CSI or ER by millions is just fine, but a violent act of a horse dying is not fine. It is unacceptable. A naked body is pure unadulterated filth, but watching a graphic of a bullet pierce the skin and lodge in the heart is cool and scientific. So we demonize The Sport of Kings as being cruel and demand changes and stay on our high horses until our focus is taken away by a larger story, like perhaps a campus shooting.........

Finally - for those outraged by Saturday's events. Tell me - how loud was your voice when McKelvey or George Washington passed?? Like I thought, you probably have no clue who those two are.

Is San Diego Spanish for Whale's Vagina??

2008-05-01T10:50:00.005-04:00

So I rocked out in Cali last week. It was a merry time of work, poker, more poker, a way too over the top dinner, and more poker, and finally a plane trip home from hell. Did I mention the poker??

One of the reasons I like going to California on occasion is because they actually have organized poker rooms. Can you believe that in this day in age, a State is allowed to operate with such reckless abandon?? So, I bring $500 out thinking I'd toss some cards at low limits, maybe on one of the nights I was out there. So much for wishful thinking. I won't bore anyone with bad beat stories and other typical crap, I'll just go over the highlights. By the way, regarding bad beats - if you play good cards consistently, you are going to suffer bad beats, or else you'd hardly ever go out of a tourney or lose a big pot. It isn't a bad beat, it is just not a win. The guy playing 7-2 offsuit several times a night is going to deliver a ton of bad beats - if he is still at the table after losing his shirt.

It was an interesting trip the entire time. I won't go Arthur Frommer on your asses, but here is my travel log:

DAY 1:
I stumble into San Diego looking for adventure, some sun, and to see bikinis. So what do I do first? I peruse the Gaslamp District and I enter a dimly-lit Irish Pub called The Field filled with drunk men watching Man U. in a UEFA match. I order a pint of Stella and think that the atmosphere is pretty authentic. Then I see something that changes my mind in an instant. The servers are wearing T-shirts that say, "Vote For Carly". I realize that I'm sitting in the same pub where the wannabe American Idol used to work. I immediately have visions of some guy with whiskers tattooed on his face pummeling me to a pulp because I find his wife oddly attractive. I mean, you just don't look at the arm during sex, right??

Anyway - if you are ever at The Field, get the Garlic Chips and don't talk to anyone the rest of the night. Best chips I've had in years. And yes, by chips I mean fries. Last attempt to dumb the blog down for those who don't understand International food references. Wash the chips down with several pints, and stumble out into the blinding sunlight.

So after my eyes adjust, I go to Happy Hour at Baja Lobster House. Get tortilla chips, salsa and guacamole and wash it down with several Cervezas. My boss and I decide we'll take in the Padres game that night. Great idea. Bad execution. We get to the game and Greg Maddux is going for win 350. Too bad I almost fall asleep/pass out several times. There was just slightly more scoring than in the Man U. match that ended up scoreless. It was 1-0 Padres in the 9th and I'm figuring at least I'm seeing history, but even that was a pipe dream - the ancient Trevor Hoffman comes in and blows it. Padre fans might cheer if Hoffman became the Ancient Mariner at trade time. The action drags onto the 12th, the Padres lose, and I have to drag myself back to the hotel and out of bed in just a few hours. So begins my week of sleep deprivation. I fade to black in exhaustion.......

DAY 2:
I wake up hungover and less than energized and have to monitor the set-up of a booth for the AM. This is like a combination of watching paint dry and taking in a Padres game. If somebody handed me a gun at that moment, the custodians would be bitching about how they had to wipe up splatter for the next several hours. Fortunately, watching a bunch of unskilled workers erect a metal structure was finished by Noon, and I stumbled out for a walk. I place foot after foot for about 4 miles when I become predictably parched. I look up and spy an Irish Pub. The first thing I wonder is if the O'Flannery clan settled San Diego. But I only wonder for a second as I start sipping a creamy pint of Guinness. What goes best with Guinness but a corned beef sandwich and Colman's Mustard.

I could've downed the jar of mustard by itself. But that just seems like a strange thing to do out in public so I refrain and just lick the knife like a sadist savoring blood from a fresh kill. Sadly to say, I have to get the tang of the mustard off my tongue somehow. Could a pint or three do the trick? Do I have a problem?

So now that I'm loaded and back on the street, I feel like I fit right in. There are so many fucking homeless people in San Diego that you start to wonder if they had a Vagrant Convention for the week or if it is always like this. I'd love to see the sales spike of Wild Irish Rose compared to the rest of the US.

So far, not much excitement in this trip, just a lot of drinking and eating of Irish food. Maybe a side of cow will fix that.....

On the evening of Day 2, the rest of my colleagues find their way to the Gaslamp district. The show I'm in town for kicks off and we make dinner reservations at Donovan's. Donovan's is one of the premier steakhouses in the US. It lives up to its billing.

Now if only I ordered the filet that was picture instead of the special bone-in steak that weighed about 5 pounds!! Let's just say that by the time our waiter Manuel was finishing up stories of Joe Torre's impeccable taste in wine and food, I was ready to pop the button off my pants. Then when our boss ordered up a round of Grappa to finish the evening off, I almost blew half-digested cow on the tablecloth. Who drinks that shit?? Let's see - take the remnants of grapes - twigs, stems, skins, seeds and all, and let it ferment to produce Italy's version of Everclear. Sound appealing? It isn't. Day 2 ends with me rolling back to the hotel at Midnight. Our government begins to take notes on how to deprive people of shut-eye.

P.S. End of Day 2 brings the elimination of Carly from American Idol. A bunch of T-Shirts go up for sale on Craigslist in the SD area

DAY 3:
I wake up and start the day walking down by San Diego Harbor. I swear I saw Fat Sam and Gummy among the homeless throngs pissing themselves and laying in soiled blankets. I breathe deeply when I get to the bay, just for some fresh air. The stench of rotting alge is pleasing to me after what I've just inhaled going down Hobo Row. Can't we do an illegal alien swap with Mexico and at least get some even trades for the scurrying wetbacks coming in to the US?? One Pedro in, we give them a Homeless guy named Lucky. Has anyone ever known a successful person named Lucky?

This could even foster a slogan for the Mexicans to use:
"Come to the U.S. and get Lucky"

Nothing else of interest that day. I'm just glad I walk with an iPod on so I can at least pretend not to hear the begging for money.

DAY 4:
Like Pavlov's dog, the alarm goes off and I spring out of bed for a jaunt down the Harbor. It looks like in the past day, not many people found a new home. I have heard that the market is terrible. Still, sales of fortified wine appear to be soaring. The show ends. And the games begin!!! First stop is Syuchan Casino in the backwoods of San Diego. OK, there aren't woods out here, so let's call it the back brush. I enter a $50 +$10 tourney with unlimited rebuys and an optional add-on. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's OK - it is not vital info. The vital info is that this stud made it to the final table!! This is where the fun begins. We all want to split the top 10 spots evenly (called a chop in poker parlance). The chip leader balks. While this is a normal occurrence, the chip leader has a horseshoe up his ass. On one earlier hand, he was outchipped, and it was down to him and one other person. The dealer says "Heads up", and the fool thought that meant to flip and show the cards, so he exposes his A-4. The board is A-K-3. Knowing what the guy has, the second player says "All in" meaning he has him beat. remarkably, the idiot calls. The all-in player exposes his Ace King. The next two cards are a 2 and a 5 giving the vaunted player the chip lead. Instead of being happy, he tries to get us to give him $100 each of our portion of the chop (which is $575 before the negotiations). Everyone passes, the asswipe busts out in 6th, and we end up chopping the pot with 4 left. The hero (me, of course) gets $850. JACKPOT!!!

Moral of the story - if you are a lucky asshole, take the deal. It is now 1AM. I happily jaunt back through the desert to my hotel. But the sleep deprivation thing is in full swing.

DAY 5:
I hop out of bed gayly and saunter over to PETCO Stadium to see an epic matchup of Jake Peavy vs. Brandon Webb. It doesn't fail to disappoint as the Padres fall 2-1. PETCO is a beautiful Park, unlike the normally fetid East Coast "historical" stadiums, where historical stands for cramped and dilapitated. The eats were good, too. I went out behind CF and stopped at the Randy Jones BBQ shack. Looks like Randy Jones enjoys a bite or two as well.

In two decades, the man went from this:

To this:

Now he's battling Boog Powell and Greg Luzinski for the Fattest BBQ'er in the league. As I'm eating some pulled pork, I spy a Syuchan Casino ad. actually I spy several of them as they appear to be a huge sponsor of the Padres. I take it as a good omen. The Padres make the final out, and I scoot off with a mission - another poker tourney. Syuchan isn't holding one that night so I head to another Indian casino - Viejas. They have a $60 +$10 with rebuys in the 1st hour and an optional add-on after that. Starting chips are $6000

For the first hour, I'm card dead. I sweep one decent pot. Then the guy across the table says that the add-on is 12,000 chips!! I have about 4,000 in chips. So I wait until the last hand before the rebuy and I do a rebuy and then add-on right after that. Next thing you know, I have $22,000 in chips. As much as I'm jazzed about that, I'm more pleased about Lady Luck rubbing my shoulders. In three successive hands, I pick up A-A, K-K and A-A. On the third hand, I get two callers who think I'm full of crap. They show A-K and A-J, meaning my aces are gone, but so are their hopes to take down the hand. I kick two players to the curb and am the chip leader.

Sadly, my lead is a fleeting as the Royals, but I scrape out an appearance at the final table. I'm in 7th place out of 10 and the chip leader doesn't want to chop. I offer to give up $50 of my share to him and the two other low stacks say they will as well. He agrees and I pocket $1,200! Two nights, two tourneys, two final tables, two grand! Kiss my ring, bitches!! Again, I look up to the clock - it is Midnight. I decide to play some blackjack for 20 minutes. Twenty minutes turns into 1 hour but I win $375. I can't tell if the bags under my eyes are filled with money or fluid. Who gives a shit?

DAY 6:
I feel like a poker God as I get out of bed. Where are my valets to bring me the robe?? Why is the Emperor Naked? Fuck, this isn't as great a life as I thought. I drag myself downstairs to a morning meeting. At 11AM, it is time to bolt for LA. I get to LA at 2PM, check into the hotel, put my bag on the bed, look up the poker tournament schedule and see a 7PM Deep stack tourney at Hollywood Park. Off to Hollywood Park it is. I get there with plenty of time to kill, so what better thing to do than down a couple of Pink's Hot Dogs?? Did I tell you people that I eat like a fitness guru?

So I enter the tourney with a $130+$20 buy in. No rebuys or add-on's. This is LA, not the Junior Circuit. But as I look around, I see what I think is a good omen. There are two guys entering the tourney who had entered the same tourneys from the previous two nights down in San Diego!! Small world I think to myself. At least the population of degenerate gamblers is.....

Anyhoo to the disturbing details of the tourney. While the first two tourneys were filled with friendly players, this one was a madhouse. I'm in seat 5 which gives me a perfect vantage point to smell the guy in seat 4 who hadn't bathed in days. I got a great view of Jabba the Hut in Seat 8 who would be half his size if he ran his legs as much as the mouth. And I had the ass of Stephen Hawking's helper from Seat 6 in my way the entire time. That wasn't bad enough - the drooling invalid was getting spoon-fed peas and carrots by the time the second blinds were in force. Needless to say, I had sensory overload from the Frenchman to my right, Wheelchair Wally to my left and Fats Matasow downwind. I pushed all in pre-flop with J-J and some dude who hadn't played a hand all night calls with A-J. The Poker Gods heard my rant and gave him the Ace, giving me a chance to bolt from the Big Top. Down $150 but I felt cleaner, healthier, and freer than ever. So what do I do? I plunk my ass down as a $1/$2 NL game. I end up clearing $500 for the night, but it was the NIGHT. I look at my stack and then my watch and see that 5AM is on the dial. Fucking sleep deprivation. I get my ass back to the hotel at 6:15 and have just enough time to meet my peeps at 7. No sleep for me!

DAY 7:
I'm not really sure when this day officially started, but my obligations ended at 11AM and then I had to catch a flight from SD at 10:45PM. That gave me roughly 12 hours of dead time. Should I poll people on what I did?? OK, masturbation is a possibility, leaving 11 hours and 58 minutes of POKER!! Instead of heading to SD to play, I was going to mix it up with the LA players again, this time entering a $30 tourney at The Bike. I don't know what it is about LA, but man, they grow them big there. I had the Mexican Mound across from me. Luckily Chubby Carlos busted early on, giving the rest of the table some elbow room. Out of 175 players, I busted in 43rd place and then dropped $80 in No limit and left for SD. No more poker. Just a stop at Weinerschnitzel for a Polish Sandwhich and a Kraut Dog and then to the airport.....

THE FLIGHT:
I just wanted to sleep. My body was screaming for sleep. My eyes felt like they were carrying Rosie O'Donnell around. So what do I get? A seat next to the two stupidest people on Earth. The first was a blonde, who I think really was a blonde and was about as sharp as a marble. The second was a dude with a backward hat on who was a starving artist auditioning either for the role of a Rocky understudy or a caveman. I couldn't tell. After the airline doors closed I figured I had 15 minutes before the old iPod could come on. Those would be the longest 15 minutes of my life. First the blonde complains because she just can't "figure out this time thing". To quote her, "I mean, like, how do I set like my watch to time in Boston, if I'm like going to Charlotte first? Is it only a 5 hour flight or is it a 9 hour flight or a 3 hour flight? I'm so confused." I think backward hat guy grunted, "Hey Paulie is dat you?", but really he just said, "I dunno."

You'd think this would stop. It didn't. Finally after the girl asked for the third time what the time difference was between SD and Charlotte, I told her 3 hours. Case closed. Or maybe not.....

She came back with the always welcome response of "Really? I heard differently?" I felt like asking the stupid cunt why she would ask the question if she knew, but I added the authoritative comeback of "Yeah, it's three hours. I live in Charlotte." I must look more stupid then I am because she immediately looked away to talk to Dan Cortese's twin saying "What's the time difference between here and Charlotte?". After another 8 minutes (497 seconds to be exact), the bell tolled for iPod use. The elusive time question was still pending like a differential equation posed to a group of 1st graders, but I didn't care, "The Clash" was rocking the Casbah. 5 minutes later, I'm dreaming only to be jolted by a slap on the arm, "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom." At least she was grown up enough not to call it a potty.

I found out the hard way that the two Einsteins next to me had bladder sizes to match their brains as they got up 7 times in a 4 1/2 hour period. No Sleep For Me!

We landed and the girl starts bitching because her bag is 5 rows back. So even though this dumbass ruined my flight, I'm kind enough to let her out as soon as possible to fight the throng to get her bag. In the meantime, I stand up and get my stuff out. She comes back and is standing directly behind me and wants to push through. I just stood there, exhausted. Finally, I hear her whisper to Captain Intelligent that all she wanted was to get away from me standing there. What the fuck!! First off, learn to fucking whisper. Secondly, where do you want me to go?? Where did she want to go?? Finally I got off the plane and left the mentally challenged to enter themselves in a Darwin contest later this year. Let's look at the final tally:

DAYS - 7
PADRE GAMES - 2
Poker Tourneys - 4
Final Tables - 2
Poker Winnings - $2350 (after entry fees, tips, etc.)
Poker Bankroll - $5200 (From $700 on June '07)
Dumbasses encountered - 2 who trump any others

I'm tired. Good night.

I'm Just sitting Here Watching the Wheels Go Round and Round

2008-04-07T10:58:00.003-04:00

Ahhh, another Monday and another sale on dust accumulated in my head over the weekend. It's time for Spring cleaning, so I swept all of the particles of inanity into a pile below. Have fun deciphering them.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

- Perception is everything. For instance, I bet Carlester Crumpler really hated his name until his baby brother, Alge, was born. Then, it wasn't half bad.

- I see where Michael Stipe just came out. The only thing that would shock me less is if Richard Simmons said he secretly liked getting stuffed with man flesh.

- Who is Eliot Spitzer's PR guy?? He had a perfect out - he could say his trangressions came as a result of researching the anti-prostitution legislation he pushed forward. But no - the guy stepped up to the mic with his wife in tow and said he did it. He just failed Politics 101!

- If anyone hasn't seen the "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel" interview with Lenny "Nails" Dykstra, you have to find it somewhere. Well actually, I'll make it easy for you and put a snippet below. The guy is supposedly a idiot-savant when it comes to investing, which is easy to see. He claims not to read, curses every other word, and has this nugget of advice -
"Once you pay your agent, your mortgage, taxes, give some to family, your left with your dick in your hand."

I really haven't seen a better interview in ages.

- I've never really understood fire ant attacks. How can anyone be so unaware of their surroundings that they don't see an army of red insects until they are gnawing away at flesh just under the knee? Are these the same people who step in dogshit and don't realize it until it smears on the pavement, sending them tumbling out of control?

- Speaking of not understanding things, why do ramen noodle manufacturers have different flavors? You could give me a bowl of shrimp flavor in between tomato basil flavor, and the ever-popular chicken flavor, and I wouldn't be able to tell one salty mess from the next.

- It's almost April 15th which confirms the three absolutes in life - Death, taxes, and going into a Wal-Mart and finding a throng of dirtballs. They just built a brand spanking new one near my house, and you enter and find 7-year old girls with blue mascara on, two dozen people with poorly fitting tank tops showing off their tramp stamps, every person in my town who owns a wife beater, and the typical drooling invalid greeting you at the door. Did Sam Walton have some secret mission in life to provide a place where a bearded lady can enter and fit in?

I feel like I'm in a scene from "I Am Legend", where you enter this large warehouse type structure and human mutants are congregated en masse.

- Am I the only one who thinks that if the Royals, Pirates and Devil Rays (I mean Rays) are relegated and replaced by the top three AAA teams that the baseball season might have a renewed interest in September?

- I think it says a lot more about society than the quality of the establishments when the breakfast line at McDonald's is 5 times the length of the one at Jamba Juice.

- Speaking of dietary guidelines, I have a few people who tell me that I'm negligent by not eating breakfast every day, all the while they are spittering bits of egg and bacon from their Monster Biscuit Bonanza while giving me the lecture.

-I think that's the rub with using medical snippets to live your life by. You can lead people to knowledge, but you can't force them to use it properly. To most people, since eating breakfast must be good, they down a 1/2 lb. lard sandwich or slurp up a fat-filled Grande Moccachino, and grin widely thinking they are a model of health. Or, they see a study that tells them chinese food is full of fat and sodium, so instead of getting the steamed vegetables in place of General Tso's chicken, they scoot off to the Mexican restaurant down the street that touts healthy alternatives and they get a taco salad served in a deep-fried tortilla bowl.

PICTURE OF THE WEEK:

There are just so many questions that can be made about this photo.
- Why does Bruce look naked except for a towel?
- Who is driving?
- Where is Kevin Costner to teach Kelso how to swim in the rough,choppy waters?

I got nothing else.

Until next week......

Weekend Remnants of Brain Matter On the Wall

2008-03-31T13:30:00.002-04:00

It's Monday, and I feel like I left some fibrous folds of fact-containing flesh behind somewhere. Maybe I pissed it out with the rest of the fifth of Jack I drank. Or maybe it has been numbed by some of the stupidity I saw over the weekend and it is in an inert stage until some intelligent behavior spurs it into action. Either way, I feel like my brain has been sucked on like a ravenous Cajun plowing through a crawfish.

So let me scoop up what remaining ideas fell onto the floor and organize them into some fashion for your endless enjoyment.......

RANDOM BITS OF CRAP!
- For the good of the Price is Right, can somebody neuter Drew Carey?

- I just heard that 3rd World Countries want a more desirable description. Is there anything offensive about the term?? Hell, I could see if we called them the Lands of Starving, Filthy Subhumans or the Barren Tundra of the Agriculturally challenged, but 3rd world is fine by me. I'd be more pissed if I was a Second world country because I don't think any of them realize that they are.

- I can't watch Ugly Betty for a number of reasons, but I think the main one is that everytime I see a bit actor on there I spend time wondering where I've seen the person before and it always comes back to one place - "The George Lopez Show".

- Remember the putrid frozen bread pizzas years ago?? you know, before Freschetta and DiGiornio actually made frozen round pieces of dough slightly edible? Well, you can relive the fantastic culinary experience by flying Delta from Europe and eating lunch.

- I stopped to smell the daisies the other day and a throng of busy commuters rammed into me, flung me into the dirt mound, and kept going as if I somehow broke some societal law.

- Whatever happened to the son from "Sanford and Son"?

- I can't believe how angry yard sale operators get when you show up with a shovel and start digging!

- There are still hotels that advertise in a big sign - "FREE HBO". I hope I can view it on a color TV.

- Whenever I'm at a poker table and somebody announces "Raisy-Daisy", I want to raise, too - Raise up and kick them in the balls until they fold - fold over in pain.

- Speaking of poker, it is a belated passing, but the poker world lost a great when Chip Reese passed at the beginning of the year. I think to understand what makes me respect him is his answer when he was asked who was the better player between Phil Ivey and Stu Ungar. Reese said that Ungar was a consummate gambler but that he never understood the most important part of poker - amassing wealth so that you can live comfortably. Ungar only played for the action and to get cash to snort up his nose. Meanwhile Reese chose poker over being a lawyer and made a heck of a lot more money to provide for his family.

- People always bemoan the old "Glory Days" conversations that you have with people from the past, but let's be realistic. After the obligatory, "What are you doing now? Are you married? Do you have kids?" questions, the basic fact is that the only connection you have to them are events from the past. It would be an awfully boring night if you attempted to discuss nuclear fission when meeting up with a guy who is now a prison guard, or the former head-turner who now only turns the dial on the scale. I'd rather hear how Nasty Carruthers blew that speed ball by me. Don't bemoan nostalgia.

- In a few years, nobody will remember what a B-side is or how many crappy songs were played on them.

- If somebody can tell me why they are willing to pitch their ankles at a completely uncomfortable angle, providing themselves a 1/4" diameter sized landing support for each step, I think I'd be interested in hearing.

- I just saw a dude wearing the same that King Jaffe-Joffer wore in "Coming to America", but I'm neither on a movie set nor rummaging through James Earl Jones closet.

After having this crap stored in my head over time it's no wonder that I need to drink a fifth of Jack. It needs to be disinfected.

Have a burger at McDowell's - I'm OUT!!

Warped Mind = Random Output

2008-03-18T15:39:00.002-04:00

That about sums it up nicely. My mind is such a lint trap for useless nuggets of information strings, that I'm either a genius or clinically insane. By the way, you ever notice how many people get the word genius spelled incorrectly?

Speaking of that trait, I was once out to dinner with my friend, we'll call him Jack - mainly because that is his name. Anyway, let's just say that Jack used to date some of the more dimmer bulbs. I'm happy to say that he reversed that trend later in life, but I digress. The restaurant we were at had trivial Pursuit cards on the table, assumedly to pass the time while the waitstaff screwed up orders and took breaks in the middle of service. Well, Jack's lady friend wasn't even close to getting any answers right. "Sputnik. I never heard of that!". After about 10 minutes of watching the girl fail, I handed her the box to put the cards back in. All of a sudden the lights come on and with wide-eyes she says out loud, "No wonder I don't know the answers, this is the Genus Edition."

Enough droll stories, let's move on.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- I wonder if nerds, dweebs and geeks will someday get fed up with such hurtful names and come up with a more "PC" label?? Like socially challenged brainiac?

- Speaking of PC-ness, is it only a matter of time before Blind Faith, Monkey Business, Scared Straight, Fat Chance, Gobbedly-gook, Ugly Duckling, and Black sheep are stricken from the annals of history??

- I wonder who looks in the mirror and says, "You know what will make me hotter - to bleach my hair a solid shade of platinum white."

- I consider myself a fan of almost any sport, but trying to follow cricket is like chasing a chicken on a gravel lot.

- Is there any conclusive data showing that putting the lid on the copier down when not in use extends the life of the appliance?

- Did I ever tell you I hate the WNBA or is that just implied? Maybe I don't like almost any sport afterall.....

- Why is it if a female is half-way thin and tall that people ask if they are a model?? I've seen some butt-ass ugly tall chicks and random people will come up and pose the question. And they aren't blind.

- Are diamonds really a girl's best friend or is it just a phrase to get DeBeer's to sport wood?

- This guy snaked my parking spot at the Frankfurt airport and then we ended up being on the same flight. About 3 different times he gave me the old head bob and nod as if we were somehow long, lost friends. I took joy looking disinterested.

- How does Andy Dick keep getting work?

- I've never done it but to be honest there is absolutely nothing appealing to me about having sex in an elevator. It isn't some secret allure, it is impractical and stupid.

- I stayed at a Courtyard by Marriott the other day. There wasn't any grass or common area outside.

- Now that we are in Election Season, this time of year produces a lot of useless things. but perhaps nothing is more useless than the pin-on button. What is the point?

- For as much as we get on the Media, let's give them credit - they can sit on some stories. I mean they knew from the beginning that Britney Spears was a trailer-trash ugly skank from Louisiana but they held it back and ran the air-brushed glamour shots and the wholesome girl next door image until the wheels came off. But that restraint pales in comparison to the way they treated Heather Mills. The gold digging, one-legged soft porn starlet was anointed as a former "model" turned UN Peacekeeper and they acted as if she's rid the world of land mines and has been salt of the Earth until the shit hit the fan with Sir Paul.

- When somebody corrects a person on the differences between a canoe and a kayak, my first thought is, "How long has the butt plug been inserted?"

- When the Religious Right say they want to "retake our core values" from the White House, what are they actually taking back?? We've had zero - count them - 0.0 - Agnostic or Non-Christian Presidents. It makes me wonder - if they have to reintroduce "core values" to their own, haven't they done a really shitty job instilling them?

- In the same vein, I had a Born Again tell me I'm definitely going to hell for doing far less than they have. It must be great to know that one can become a pious fucker at the drop of a hat.

"I want to shoot myself with these people hiding behind me!"

- I bet it is a lot more difficult to play the Seven Degrees Of Separation with the Bacon Brothers.

- Even after all these years, I'll sing "You're a Vegetable" without out a fucking clue why when I'm going to be starting something.

- Has there ever been a place serving upscale gruel?

And with that, I have to go.

Mama say mama sa ma ma kusa. Mama say mama sa ma ma kusa. You're a vegetable.

The Return of Random Thoughts!!!

2008-03-05T12:54:00.002-05:00

OK, the Honeymoon is over. Still a month after the Giants swept through Arizona and left the Patriots a disheveled mess, the euphoria is still alive. Now it is time to channel that euphoria into some random musings from the recesses of my warped, alcohol riddled gray matter!

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- I have to wonder how badly mismanaged are any Italian restaurants or pizza places that go out of business. The bulk of the menu is dough. Now people are crying about the cost of wheat going up. Great. Instead of costing 75 cents to make a pizza, it will cost $1.25, but you'll still pay $15. You can buy two boxes of spaghetti for $1, so how the fuck can they charge over $10 a plate for it??

- Remember when Mr. Boston made some really tasty spirits?? If so, you are TOO DAMN OLD to be reading blogs. Take the walker, get the hell outside and play some shuffleboard, Gramps.

- Speaking of spirits, I'm not a beer snob, in fact I'll drink some really shitty swill, but after going to Germany and slugging down the beer they have over there, I nearly gag everytime I come back and start to drink an "American Pilsner".

- Speaking of foreign travel, I have a French colleague who smells. Badly. But then again I have a Swedish one who is brutally ugly. The one from Switzerland on the other hand, makes me far from being neutral.......

- Are kids really that more hyperactive today or is it because we shutter them inside or only let them go as far as the end of the driveway before we call 911 or freak out like Britney Spears approaching a courthouse?

Or then again, are we just a bunch of stuffy asses intolerant to activity and noise? Half of me thinks parents are more concerned about the level of noise they can take rather than if the child is in serious need of medication. The other half of me thinks parents on average suck badly at raising kids.

- Why can the Travel Channel show the disgusting tits on the ladies of the Mek tribe without retribution, but if ABC shows the disgusting backside of a fat, white dude they have to pay a fine? Is this the same reason my dentist used to have National Geographic magazines side by side with Highlights?

- Here is a note to people out there. when somebody doesn't understand your language, talking more slowly AND SHOUTING does not help!

- Speaking of not understanding things, I don't get people who are so violently passionate about politics, as if one candidate can really make things much better or worse for any of us. A simple and obligatory look at our Governmental System reveal checks and balances in many areas meaning that 99% of us will be as well off with a blind donkey running the country or a human.

- What is so "Classic" about the iPod Classic? Christ, iPod's have only been around a handful of years and the first ones that came out didn't have 80GB of storage or the ability to view video. Sounds like a freaking marketing scam. Classic my ass.

- Since I see so many poorly dressed travelers when I people-watch at airports, I've come to the conclusion it is actually ME who is the one out of touch with fashion. Anyone have a t-shirt with permanently stained armpits I can borrow? How about a thong strap that I can visibly hang over my love handle? Anyone?

- What purpose to capes serve Super Heroes?? I guess logically you can say they help them fly, but if so, why does BatMan have one?

- Speaking of caped heroes like Superman, I couldn't get a ticket to see Dave Matthews last week, so I saved $50 and caught 5 for Fighting instead.

- I heard Kirk Cameron promoting abstinence and self-control the other day. Then they trotted his SIX kids out. What the hell? Is he auditioning to be the Trix Bunny or something?

- I had a prized cel mounted on my wall last week. It also answered the question of Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Michael's did.

- Let's examine the US educational system by starting with one question. It has two parts, so that might already lose a couple of people trying to follow it, but we'll try nonetheless:

How many Americans do you know fluent in more than one language? Now, how many foreigners do you know fluent in more than one?

HELLO!! CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ME!!!!

- I've been trying to recreate McDonald's recipes around the house for the past few weeks. So far, I'm dead on in putting together a wilted salad, in telling off others around me, and in using the microwave to perfection. Almost there!!

- Speaking of burgers, I had 5 last week (ranked by preference):
1) In N Out Burger
2) FatBurger
3) Squeeze Inn
4) Red Robin
5) Some other local Sacramento joint whose burger was so bad, I don't want to even say.....

And yes, my arteries feel clogged and I feel lethargic.

Gambling Update:

Played poker in several card rooms in Sacramento last week. I played horribly and still cleared $300, which means I'll take the results, but I need to plug the holes in my game - namely in getting more aggressive in taking down pots when I smell weakness. Hats off to the Green Derby Casino for some fun table action and tournaments. It is too bad the rest of the States of the Union have sticks up their asses regarding poker.

Note to self, telling the muscled, tattooed maniac that you know he is on tilt and you are going to take all his money might get you some extra cash, but it should not be a tact to take often if one wants to maintain physical well-being.....

And I'm out!

Who Saw This Coming???

2008-02-07T09:03:00.000-05:00

Cue Queen:

We are the Champions - We are the Champions. No time for losers cause we are the Champions - - - - - OF THE WORLD!!!

What made us Champions??

The incredible!

The Clutch!

The poise!

The Leadership!

The Coach!

The City!

The Unity!

All Hell Breaking Loose!

The Past!

We just wanted it more:

And we won:

Let the pictures speak for themselves. I'll speak next week. I'm too choked up right now after seeing the most gritty, determined, run ever to a title.

EVER!!!

BIG BLUE

Can You Say Super Bowl???

2008-01-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

Sound it out - Su-per - Bowl - - SUPER BOWL!!!!!

You got it, baby. Capping an improbable run, the New York football Giants are poised to snap the Patriots undefeated season. They've already carried their 4th George Halas Trophy, now they are looking to hoist up their 3rd Lombardi Trophy!

For the next few minutes, let's just look at a couple of rememberences of this year:

First round:

Last round:

First Game:

Last Game:

Head Guy:

Oops, wrong button - that was Plastic Man. Here's Head Guy:

Next to Head Guy:

From the Slop in London:

To the Slop in Lambeau:

No more needs to be said. No words - just 60 minutes of football left to be played.

Pats didn't cover last week, so I'm up $890 for the year. Take the Giants +12 and lay $400 on them.

OUT!!!

FatMan's Picks - Championship Week

2008-01-15T10:12:00.000-05:00

What a week it was! The G-Men went into Dallas and came out with a win, leaving behind a crying TO hiding behind Morty Seinfeld's glasses, a dejected Romo whose vacation choices and timing will be questioned along with his 0-2 playoff record, a befuddled Wade Phillips who is for some reason blaming the refs for the loss not realizing that they could have called about 5 more false starts on his undisciplined line, and a plastic-faced owner with a blank stare and several thousand dollars in game tickets to eat. Arrogance humbled is a great thing. For them, not for me. I have to be arrogant, for the meek get killed in my line of business. The only time I'm humble is when I step out of the shower and can't spy my feet because of the bulging mass in the middle of my body.

On my picks, the gravy train momentarily stopped, but nothing spilled last week. Went a pedestrian .500 against the spread and on Best Bets, knocking the till down by the vig ($20). HOWEVER, check out the score I predicted for NE-Jax - - - 31-20! I know - a blind squirrel........ This week, I really don't like any of the games to bet, but prognosticators can't be pussies, we must step up and wager. And most of all we don't dance until the party is over or else you end up looking like this jackass:

Can we get a scoreboard check?

21-17. It hasn't changed.

I could go on for this all day, but let's not completely throw salt into the wounds.

Enough dredging up old WWF guys who threw salt, let's go to The Sheet!!

CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK:

San Diego at New England (-14) - The last thing I want to see is an undefeated New England team. That was, until the last few weeks. Now the last thing I want to see having success is a pock-faced coach, a cocky-assed QB who had enough energy to run at and heckle fans but not take the field in the waning moments of the biggest game in his life, and a RB who has gotten increasingly more arrogant and whining this year. At least I know that Brady and Moss are good. I don't think rivers is good at anything but being a prick. But let's give credit - he's damn good at that. What's the saying - It's good to see arrogance humbled? PATS 35-10.

Giants at Green Bay (-7) - A man can think with his head or he can think with his heart. And when it comes to money, thinking with the heart will make it go almost as fast if thinking with the "little head". I want the Giants to continue their magical run, to continue playing with grit and heart, but there might not be enough healthy guys in the defensive backfield to do that. I have to be realistic and understand that going to Lambeau, the Frozen Tundra, in January when the temperature will get close to zero by the end of the game, is most likely a losing proposition, and I say, like Joel Goodsen said, "What the fuck" and go with the Giants in one last stand. NBC is going to be pissed they don't have this game. GIANTS 24-20.

BEST BET: ($200)
PATRIOTS

Last Week:
Straight up: 3-1
With Spread: 2-2
Best Bets: 1-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 180-84 (.682)
With Spread: 144-106-14 (.576)
Best Bets: 32-21-2 (.604) (+$1,110)

I lost the chance to go 100 games up in the win column vs. the loss column straight up since I'm 4 games behind and only 3 games remain, but we'll give it a try anyway. I also know that while the Giants win caught many people off guard (I picked them, by the way), the real shocker was San Diego winning. That game has to rank up with the biggest upsets ever, especially when people factor in that Indy was at home and SD was without 4 key players at the end of the game. This week a little know factoid - both matchups are rematches from Week 2 of this year. Alright, I'm done dispensing nuggets of useless info. To stretch the value of the sheet, let's examine the recesses of my warped mind for a little bit.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- I've never understood the thrill of running 26.2 miles, so don't even get me started on these crazy ultra-marathoners. Cars were invented for a reason.

- For the love of God, why is it that every person who wears an "Ass Message" on their shorts or sweatpants is either insanely hideous to look at or a Hispanic trying to look fashionable?The worst is when the two are combined and you can print, "Hola! You want a Piece of the Lusciousness Under Esta Pantalone?" with space still left over to the sides?

- Speaking of the unattractive and bad fashion habits. The next time I see some heifer in a T-shirt that says "I'm too Sexy!". The first thing I'll ask them is if the person they stole the shirt from is pressing charges.

- I'm not saying fat people need to use mumu's or smocks to cover themselves up, but do they really need to draw attention to the girth?? I don't wear shirts that say "Bald people do it with a glistening dome", or a shirt with hand prints on the sides saying, "Grab here and hang on".

- I'm so disappointed that after a night of shagging all I had to show for it were blisters on my feet.

- What is a second-class citizen and is it really bad to be treated like them?

- It seems like the term "monkey" can make some people go ape. Or do they go bananas?

- I'm not a prude, but who lays in bed and thinks, "Man, if I could just stick my greased fist into that person's orifice, it would be soooooo hot?"

- And that will be the sign of the apocolypse - if Vasoline comes out with an ad that says, "When you're in the mood for a little fisting...."

Enough debauchery for one day - just remember:

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan.

FatMan's Picks - Divisional Week

2008-01-08T13:10:00.000-05:00

It looks like The FatMan's hot streak to end the year didn't fizzle like the playoff drive of the Redskins, or Joe Gibbs' career. It kept chugging along like the Giants mauling of the Bucs. The Best Bets were 2-0 and since we put $200 on each game, that was a healthy $400 return for a weekend's worth of work. Straight up, the FatMan was a perfect 4-0, and against the spread, the Jags salvaged a tie to make the final tally 3-0-1. It doesn't get much better than that.

This week, the Italians are obviously pissed as they set the lines a bit more challengingly. Gone are the small spreads. Each game this week features more than a TD line. In playoff games, these can kill you, because one team usually does run away with it if they win. This is a dilemma! But like he has done the entire second half of the year, The FatMan says "Fuck it" and will plow forward providing the winners. Why waste words when we can be making money?? Let's go to The Sheet!

DIVISIONAL WEEKEND:
Seattle at Green Bay (-8) - There's no doubt in my mind that GB wins here. I'm just not so sure that the game won't be pretty close. I don't think Farve will be able to throw the rock all day on the Seahawks without making errors. Probably not the critical errors that Todd "Journeyman" Collins made, but errors, nonetheless. Take the home team, leave the points. PACKERS 24-20 (Seattle covers)

Jacksonville at New England (-13) - The Pats are looking to enter Phase 2 of their undefeated campaign. A team stands in front of them with a vaunted defense. That vaunted defense gave up 350 yards passing to the Steelers. Brady might hit 500. What will be the key to this game is how effective Jacksonville will be able to be at running the ball. I think just effective enough. PATS 31-20 (Jags cover)

Giants at Dallas (-7.5) - T.O. is limping but is mugging for the cameras and filling his drama slot up. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he doesn't play. Him not playing means the Giants can concentrate on Witten and the man who spikes the ball after every run but doesn't get flagged, Marion Barber. He runs like a crazy man? Great. This week, he'll get to pound his head into a Blue wall. UPSET SPECIAL!! GIANTS 31-27.

San Diego at Indy (-8.5) - I'm conflicted on this one. I don't think SD will come anywhere close to winning this game, but then again, they did screw with Manning's mind last time. Maybe they heard him whispering "Clark" too? Hopefully somebody will whisper "Jackass" to Rivers and then yell it to him because the blockhead will in all likelihood be too dense to hear it in the lowered tone. COLTS 34-20.

BEST BETS: - $200 apiece
GIANTS
SEAHAWKS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 4-0
Against Spread: 3-0-1
Best Bets: 2-0 (+$400)

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 177-83 (.681)
Against Spread: 142-104-14 (.577)
Best Bets: 31-20-2 (.608) (+$1130)

YAHOO! We broke the grand mark on the season! up over $1100 smackers might make one slow the betting down a bit, but all gamblers know you ride the hot hand, and right now my hand is more on fire than whomever is fingering Jenna Jameson. Let's keep cruising! To fill some space, why don't we do some Random Thoughts??

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- Sooner or later everything will be deemed an acceptable act by somebody. In the old days, if you waved your arms frantically and stomped your feet in disgust, it was called having a tantrum or being a raving jackass. Now?? It's called crunking.

- I saw this representative from Chef Boyardee on a Food Network show the other day talking about keeping the contents of their secret sauce recipe under wraps. Is anyone really dying to recreate the taste of shit?

By the way, the special sauce on a Big Mac? Thousand Island Dressing. Now sue me, McDonald's!

-I saw an Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a small town. I paid her for the gas I just pumped.

- Are the Cavemen extinct again?? I mean at least until a Geico commercial airs?

- Is it just me or does every Holiday Season bring the wonderment of why Polar Bears are surrounded by frozen sheets of ice, yet their Coke flows freely??

- Speaking of drinks, I went into a Starbucks and asked for their slow roasted coffee. 30 seconds later a barista handed me a piping hot cup.

- I wonder if Lance Armstrong ever thought "I'd give my left nut to be with Sheryl Crow.". Just a reminder not to part with a body item over a fleeting relationship......

All I know is that is one Crow I'd like to eat. and on that note, remember:
For the Skinny on Picking, Turn to the FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Wild Card Week

2008-01-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

It is appropriate that it is Wild Card Week because it has been a wild year for The FatMan. At one point, he was under 33% on picks against the spread and was down $500 on the Best Bets. He finished the regular season at 57% against all games vs. the spread, and up $730 on Best Bets after going 3-0 in Week 17. He even got a congratulatory call from Frank Reich for the amazing rebound!

So now that the playoffs are here, the FatMan is looking to continue the hot streak. I don't look for many surprises in the playoffs this first week. I think the real shockers might come in the Divisional matchups next week. Let's go to The Sheet!!

WILD CARD WEEK:

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (+2) - The Steelers are a home dog and rightfully so. The Jags seem to have their number. I expect this game to be the hardest hitting, most agitated, defense oriented matchup of the playoffs. Najah Davenport is probably better suited to go against the Jags than Willie Parker, as he gives the Steelers a short yardage presence, but I think the Jags are just too tough. Fred Taylor is playing like a scorned back, and after his snub for the Pro Bowl, I don't blame him - leaving him off the team was criminal. Grab a bowl of popcorn, sit back and enjoy some Old Style Football in this one. JAGS 17-13.

Washington at Seattle (-3.5) - Despite having a jackass for an owner, the Media seems to want the Redskins to do well. Each year, they are anointed Preseason Champs, and then they usually come out and shit the bed. This year, they go down to the final week of the season to make the playoffs and people act as if they are destined to make the Super Bowl after beating a one-dimensional Viking team and a cowboys team that didn't give a crap. They will find out just how hard it is to play in the Upper Northwest on Saturday and the Steve Czaban's of the world can go back to looking forward to August. SEAHAWKS 28-20.

Tennessee at San Diego (-9) - The only question in this one is if the Chargers cover. I think they do, and the pock-faced Norv Turner will get a chance to go up to Indy next week. I actually think they would matchup better against the Pats, but they will most likely get waxed by Peyton Manning. But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Either way you look at it, an aging Kerry Collins or a hurt Vince Young isn't going to stroll into San Diego and shock the world. CHARGERS 35-10.

Giants at Tampa Bay (-3) - I actually heard Sean Salisbury say this week that the Giants were lucky the season didn't go an extra week or they'd be losing steam and out of the playoffs. The drunk analyst of ESPN must have blacked out after one too many Johnnie Walker Black's to watch the Saints or Vikings play. Is it really so hard for people to give the team credit?? First off the refs screwed the G-Men against the Pats, now you have analysts like Salisbury, Cris Carter and Shaun King saying that the Giants have little chance of winning this game. That is the best ESPN can find??? Clueless fuckers. GIANTS 28-17.

Drunken idiot.

BEST BETS:
GIANTS
SEAHAWKS

Last week:
Straight Up: 14-2
Against Spread: 10-5-1
Best Bets: 3-0

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 173-83 (.676)
Against Spread: 139-104-13 (.572)
Best Bets: 29-20-2 (.592) (+$730)

There you have it - Up $730 beans for the year. This week, we are putting $200 each on the best bets. And to top things off, I'm giving you a couple random thoughts to ponder as the write-ups of the games get smaller:

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

-My wife asked me if I'd sleep more comfortably on a memory foam bed. When I said that I'd rather sleep like Rainier Wolfcastle on top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies, I failed to remember that she neither watches cartoons nor appreciates references to other women. Tip - Know your audience!!

- Whenever somebody says they are "hanging with my peeps", I get the mental picture of the person being surrounded by garishly colored marshmallow molds. Then I begin to gag violently.

- I wonder why more artists aren't Draw Poker champions??

- I wonder if a fish oil spill would be harmful to seals?

- 20 years from now imagine how fucked people are going to be if their GPS system crashes.

- What is fortified wine fortified with, a bad taste??

Serve cold. Serve Ice Cold.

And I'll leave you with that. Remember:

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 17

2007-12-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

The last week of the year and the only remaining question is:

Can the FatMan have yet another week in a row of 10+ wins vs. the spread? This is the spread we are talking about - not just straight up!! He has been over .500 11 weeks in a row and will be going for double-digits in 9 out of the last 12 weeks on the final weekend of the season. I'm not bragging, but even the experts aren't hitting at that rate. Let's do some math:

- After week 4, the FatMan was .333 on picks against the spread. He is now at .566. That is a clip of over 68% on games against the spread in the past 12 weeks!! Even Jimmy the Greek couldn't do that and it had nothing to do with lacking an extra muscle in his leg. I'm hotter than Gisele right now. I'm more concerned that Tom Brady may try to anally penetrate me than anything else! This last week will be a tough one to predict because teams are packing it in and others will be resting key players. Personally, I'm waiting by my phone hoping that the Giants call to give me the starting nod at WR or RB. I might suck, but I'll suck a whole lot worse than getting an injury in a meaningless game. And so I can have time to sit by the phone, let's not waste anymore time. Let's go to the Sheet!!!

WEEK 17:
New England at Giants (+14.5) - The NFL is trying to screw the Giants again. While I'm not hearing them talk about the Steelers, Cowboys or Colts having to play their starters in games that have actual playoff implications, the league is strongly suggesting that the G-Men play their starters for the entire game and is threatening them with possible penalties if they don't. Now I know the penalties will never happen, but what the fuck?? This game has absolutely zero meaning for the team. If the giants put any injured people on that field and if any come off the field injured who are higher than the 3rd string, somebody should get bitch-slapped. Fifteen other teams had the chance to beat NE and failed. I have no qualms about being #16 and instead focusing on Tampa Bay. PATS 35-17.

St. Louis at Arizona (-6) - The Cards are a team that has the talent to win consistently, but doesn't. and yet, nobody seems to fault them. Instead they get the old golf clap and the comment "Nice try". Why?? They are who we thought they were - a bunch of underachieving slackers in the desert. CARDS 24-20 (Rams cover)

Seattle at Atlanta (-3) - Obviously the Gambinos think that with Seattle resting their players, the Falcons will win. Maybe Guiseppe should look and see Chris Redman suited up. Christmas might be over, but I think Seattle will be getting some gifts handed to them this week. SEAHAWKS 24-17.

Carolina at Tampa Bay (+3) - For some reason, the Panthers are fired up for this one. Figures. They saved their energy all year to give their best when it doesn't count. Great work, John Fox. PANTHERS 24-13.

Cincinnati at Miami (+3) - Nothing surprises me about the Bungles anymore. They beat the tar out of a must-win Brown team just a couple weeks after getting pasted by San Fran. Will somebody fire Marvin Lewis already?? The team is a bunch of preening, overpaid gasbags. BENGALS 27-17.

San Francisco at Cleveland (-11) - The Browns couldn't close out the afore-mentioned Bengals last week. Can they do it to the Niners? I'm on the fence about this one. The niners have finally strung together a few wins and last year they won on the final week of the year IN DENVER which derailed the Rat faced jackass Shanahan's playoff hopes, but can they do it again? Nope. But it will be close. BROWNS 24-20 (Niners cover)

Detroit at Green Bay (-3) - That Jon Kitna is quite a fortune teller. Didn't he say that the Lions would have at least 10 wins and make the playoffs?? Note to self, don't let this old fucker saw me in half. Which WR do they draft in 2008? PACKERS 27-20.

Jacksonville at Houston (-6.5) - The Texans are still giving it the old college try. Another golf clap. They will be the latest team to finish on a high note and have "momentum going into 2008" or whatever the fuck that means. Remember after last year, the Giants were supposedly so devastated from their "collapse" that they'd finish in last this year. How'd that work out? TEXANS 24-13.

Minnesota at Denver (+3) - Denver can't stop the run which might be a huge issue vs. the Vikings - it is the only good thing they can do. But I'm calling for a surprise here that the Vikings are going to choke on being a one-dimensional team. Hey, weren't they locks for the playoffs 2 weeks ago? Anyone going to document their monumental collapse? Do I sound bitter? You damn well better believe I am. I want every half-assed team called on the carpet like the Giants have been. By the way, in their last four games, the Giants are 3-1 and yet some mushmouths are saying they are collapsing? Want a collapse? Look to the North. BRONCOS 25-17.

New Orleans at Chicago (+2) - Another NFC contender for the playoffs steps onto a stage and promptly falls off like a drunken rocker. The genius Sean Payton is suddenly not so great when his parts are hurt. But that won't stop him from running reverses at the goal line and fumbling. Somebody got their hands on Madden '08 a little early this year!! BEARS 21-13.

Kansas City at Jets (-6) - If there was ever a chance to just rid the league of meaningless games in Week 17, this might be it. If this game never took place, we'd all be a little better off, including Herman Edwards. JETS 24-10.

Buffalo at Philadelphia (-7) - The Eagles are still fighting and with a win, would give the NFC East all teams with records at .500 or better. The Bills fought admirably this year and Dick Jauron has done a great job, but they will tank hard in the face of a bunch of degenerates getting their last chance to throw feces until September. EAGLES 31-13.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore (+3.5) - This game doesn't mean anything to either team, but the Ravens irk the Steelers so much, that the Gold and Black might just throw a shoe up Billick's ass for good measure. Paybacks for being a smarmy dick are always given with such gusto! STEELERS 28-3.

San Diego at Oakland (+8) - The Raiders have put almost their entire team on IR. Meanwhile the chargers are still heckling Jay Cutler. What a classy bunch of men. Philip Rivers should just be happy he's in the league, let alone able to mock a much better QB on the other side. Man, I really do sound like a crotchety old man!! CHARGERS 31-6.

Tennessee at Indy (+6.5) - The Titans win and they are in. I don't see Indy standing in their way. But can the titans really win by 7 points?? They barely beat the Jets last week. Vince Young will do his best to keep the Colts close and all we will hear about is "How he wins games". And to think ESPN once revolutionized sports! TITANS 21-17 (Colts cover)

Dallas at Washington (-9.5) - No Romo might mean no Jessica Simpson. So instead, we get to look at sexy Joe Gibbs! Let's see how long after the final whistle that people start calling him a genius again. Hey genius, can you call two timeouts in a row?? REDSKINS 24-20 (Cowboys cover)

BEST BETS:
BENGALS
PACKERS
EAGLES

Last Week:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against Spread: 10-6
Best Bets 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 159-81 (.663)
Against Spread: 129-99-12 (.566)
Best Bets: 26-20-2 (.565) (+$430)

Up $430 for the year is not too shabby at all. I know there are some people that say picking NFL games is a losing proposition, and that is where a good prognosticator comes in. With a profit locked in for 2007, it will now mark the 13th time in 15 years that I'll have turned a profit, and the largest losing season was -$220. In the past 15 years, the total profit going into this week is at $10,640. It sure isn't gold, but making that off of three $100 bets a week is pretty darn impressive. Imagine if the stakes were higher?? Why imagine - just go to your local bookie and put the cash down. Consider yourself one of the few. The Proud. The FatMan subscribers.

And to answer your question in advance - yes, I'm on the rag this week. If I hear another person single out the Giants and tom Coughlin as being the only team in Week 17 history to "lay down" or be the first team to back into the playoffs going 3-1 in their last 4 games, I'm going to cut off Jason Whitlock's food supply and curb Mark Schlereth's roid rage. shut the hell up people!! Speaking of food supplies:

When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 16

2007-12-18T14:49:00.000-05:00

Another 10+ win week against the spread!! The FatMan is rolling and it isn't just because of the holiday weight he's putting on. From one of his worst starts ever, this is shaping up to be one of his better years against the spread ever. Now, on the Best Bets he won't touch the magical $1,570 won in 1998, but he'll be on the positive side of the ledger, something that was not a possibility when he was down $600 early on. The picks against the spread have now been over .500 TEN WEEKS IN A ROW!!!

Show me some love! Afterall, I'm making you hogs fat just in time for Christmas!! No trade secrets here, just hard work. speaking of trade secrets, I saw a special where Chefboyardee's sauce is a secret blend of spices. Is there really any reason to keep something that tastes like dogshit a secret??

I'd rather lick somebody's smelly feet. And I'm not into that. Enough of bordering on the sexually insane, let's go to the Sheet!!

WEEK 16:
Pittsburgh at St. Louis (+7.5) - The Rams are a mess and the Steelers need this game badly. I know Pittsburgh isn't the greatest on the road, but the Rams laid an egg against the Pack in their dome, and I can't see them improving on that performance. I might get a call to be on OL for them they've had so many injuries, and they'll just calling my agent because they've heard I'm fat. STEELERS 28-13.

Dallas at Carolina (+13) - The Panthers really played inspired last week - Dallas not so much. Instead of just realizing they lost a game to a divisional opponent, we now have to create "ThumbGate" so the loss can be excused away. I'd like to take that thumb and shove it somewhere, and it ain't up the skirt of some blonde skank in a pink number 8 jersey. COWBOYS 27-20 (Panthers cover)

Atlanta at Arizona (-10.5) - Another January, another absence of Arizona. It's as predictable as "The Soup" making fun of Britney Spears. They are who I thought they were. Year after year after excruciating year. CARDS 31-10.

Green Bay at Chicago (+7) - Kyle Orton looks like a malnourished mountain man. He has the arm strength to match it. I swear he uses that crazy ass hair style to try and appear bigger than he actually is - but he looks like Muggsy Bogues out there. He doesn't just looks small - he plays it too. PACKERS 28-7.

Cleveland at Cincinnati (+3) - I keep having the feeling that the Bengals are going to play well, then I see a couple of jackasses flapping their gums instead of performing. I'd hate to be a wall in Carson Palmer's house. BROWNS 24-19.

Kansas City at Detroit (-4.5) - This is a game of two teams going the same direction - a freefall downward. These are the worst to predict because both are quitting. As a rule, I go with the home squad, but why that's a rule I don't know. It's like wondering why Pamela Anderson gets married over and over again. It's useless. LIONS 24-17.

Houston at Indianapolis (-7) - The Texans need this game big time and the Colts have been less than impressive lately, but Manning is deadly at home. Betting against the Colts after Thanksgiving is just asking to take a jar of Vasoline to the local correctional facility. The only place I want to see Bubba is in the frozen hamburger section. COLTS 35-20.

Oakland at Jacksonville (-13) - I'll give the Raiders credit, they have not quit! They may suck, but they fight to the death to let you know that. I mean, they aren't yelling "This is Sparta" at effeminate looking rulers, but you get the point. JAGUARS 27-13.

Washington at Minnesota (-5) - The Redskins need this game, but they are more nicked up than a blind man shaving with shale. You might ask yourself, "Why would a blind man shave with shale", but don't. It isn't worth it. Just go with the flow, Captain. VIKINGS 20-10.

Miami at New England (-21.5) - If nothing else, this will serve as a pre-cursor to Xmas Eve by providing an opportunity for Jim Kiick, Larry Czonka, Nick Buonocotti, and Mercury Morris to get rip-roaring drunk. Hey, for teamwork's sake, maybe Bob Kraft will join them, even if it is just to steal some booze. PATS 27-17 (Dolphins cover)

Philadelphia at New Orleans (-3) - The Eagles are officially eliminated at the Saints need two in a row for any shot. Normally, I'd say this is a lay-up for the Saints, but we see this kind of scenario year after year where an inconsistent team has a chance to take the playoffs by storm and they stumble to a team with heart. Philly won't quit. The Saints might. Upset special! EAGLES 24-20.

Giants at Buffalo (+3) - Can the giants win in the cold or will they decide to chuck the rock 52 times again?? It's almost like they dusted off a playbook from the Summer and said, "Hey, let's use this thing against the Redskins". Hey Einstein - the wind was blowing 30mph last week. Run the fucking ball!! GIANTS 24-13.

Baltimore at Seattle (-11) - Hi, I'm Brian Billick and I'm a smug asshole. And now I'm reaping the rewards of it by having teams lining up to rout me. Unfortunately I can't do a damn thing to stop it. SEAHAWKS 28-6.

My plastic jacket looks like it costs _____________

Tampa Bay at San Francisco (+7) - There's a new QB in town in SF. He might lead them to 6 wins next year. So much for #1 picks these days. Meanwhile, old, gay Jeff Garcia is still taking teams to the postseason. Get me a veteran. BUCS 24-6.

Jets at Tennessee (-9) - The Jets gave their all last week and will be shot for this one. The Titans will take this game going away and have the comfort in knowing that they'll be the best team sitting on their asses watching the playoffs. Grab some Twizzlers, men. TITANS 27-13.

Denver at San Diego (-8.5) - The Chargers, ahem, Norv Turner, finally figured out that running the ball might lead to victories. Why it took him 12 games to figure this out - I really don't know. Does Clearasil have side effects that include making errors in judgement? CHARGERS 35-20.

BEST BETS:
CHARGERS
CARDINALS
EAGLES

Last Week:
Straight Up: 11-5
With Spread: 11-5
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 148-76 (.661)
Against Spread: 119-93-12 (.561)
Best Bets: 24-19-2 (.558) (+$340)

Screw taking a ride on the Polar Express, hop on the fast track with the FatMan Freight Train. CHOO CHOO!! Steaming forward 10 weeks in a row is not a chance event, it is sustained excellence. I like that term. Sustained Excellence. I think it makes me sound like even more of a pretentious prick. You guys might think that's a negative - not me!! I'd be British if those snooty fucks would accept me. And with all of the crappy food over there, I'd probably be thinner. Speaking of being thinner:

When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 15

2007-12-12T09:10:00.000-05:00

PERFECTION!!! As soon as the final gun sounded to end the Saints-Falcons game, I heard music. While it vaguely sounded like music strippers would dance to in a seedy urban gentlemen's club, to me it sounded like Beethoven, Mozart and Bach all rolled up into one. Through the darkness, light shone down and a golden halo was placed onto my head. 16-0!!! 16-0!!! 16-0!!! Boo-Ya!

While I should spend the entire sheet gloating, I won't do that, it would just be overkill. Let's just say that 10 straight weeks over .500 against the spread and now I'm 55% in that department. Also, the Best Bets are up to $250 positive for the year. No great shakes, but it is still money!! If only the year had gotten off to a faster start...... Without any further pats on the back - Let's Go To The Sheet!!

WEEK 15:
Denver at Houston (Pick) - Straight up call. These are the games I like to pick. Houston is solid as of late, but I have to give the nod to Denver who still has an outside shot at the postseason and has a QB starting to play really well.The Broncs will be pulling hard for Buffalo on Sunday. BRONCOS 28-17.

Cincinnati at San Francisco (+8.5) - The Niners have packed it in, and I don't mean in the traditional San Fran way. They've given up. The QB is fighting with the coach, and I don't think it is over his Sunday suit selection. This team is starting to make the Bengals look like a close-knit brotherhood of affection. BENGALS 27-10.

Baltimore at Miami (+3.5) - Miami is another team that has quit. But Baltimore is still crushed from their loss to the Pats. If Miami is to get a win, this would be the week, but they haven't even stayed competitive with the Jets and Bills. Call me crazy, but the monkey goes flying off the back this week. Upset Special! DOLPHINS 16-13.

Buffalo at Cleveland (-5.5) - The Battle of the Underdogs! I think this game will come down to the final gun. The Browns will be lining up for a 40-yard FG, and this time - - - no controversy over hitting the cross bar. Nothing but net! BROWNS 24-23 (Bills cover)

Philadelphia at Dallas (-10.5) - The Eagles are all but eliminated from playoff contention, their QB is a shell of his former self, the fat bastard on the sidelines has two rogue sons, and even their shit-talking fans were quiet when the game was in the balance last week. They are done. But I think they will stay close on the strength of their D alone. The only remaining question is who will have more dirty hits, Roy Williams or Brian Dawkins? COWBOYS 24-20 (Eagles cover)

Green Bay at St. Louis (+10) - The Rams are not that bad of a team, especially at home. Nevertheless, I can't recommend picking them here, even if they have their spirits bolstered due to Gergia Frontiere kicking the bucket. PACKERS 28-14.

Indianapolis at Oakland (+10.5) - Anthony Gonzalez is coming on like a wildfire in Southern California. Blazing!! Meanwhile, Oakland is so afraid of their own offense, the coach doesn't want to put DeMarcus Russell in for fear of ruining his confidence. Great! COLTS 31-13.

Jets at New England (-23.5) - Mangenius looks like Manidiot this year. Now with spygate factored into the equation Little Bill will show no mercy. The Jets will cover, but there will be no postgame handshake. PATS 27-10 (Jets cover)

Arizona at New Orleans (-3.5) - The Cards on the road are a horrid team. Even in a dome where Warner will have perfect conditions and his fleet WR's can make precise cuts, look for them to stumble and bumble through this one. Hey look - it's another genius - Sean Payton!! We are so quick to build legends up. SAINTS 27-20.

Washington at Giants (-4.5) - The Redskins need this game to save their lives. A win and the Giants clinch a spot. Last week, the dulcid tones of Pat Summerall were once again heard. I was thinking this would be a perfect game for him and Brookshire to do. Then we could place the over/under on the number of times Todd Collins was called Tom at 8. GIANTS 27-17.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh (-3.5) - The Steelers usually have a tough time with the Jags. And I think that will continue this week. The Jags are going to run, run, and run some more. This will be a vast difference from last week when the Pats threw it 31 straight times, often while winning by three scores. JAGS 20-17.

Detroit at San Diego (-10) - The Lions gave it their all last week and were crushed on the last play. See what that did to Baltimore?? It will do the same here. This one could get ugly. Sandra Bernhardt ugly. CHARGERS 34-14.

Seattle at Carolina (+7.5) - The Panthers are a mess. Now people are even jumping on poor Vinny Testaverde. The guy is 44 and contributed to a couple of wins after being on his couch. And for that, he has to listen to the 12 remaining fans still there in the 3rd quarter boo him. Ouch. I think the best thing that happened to me today was that my tickets to the game were repossessed by my company for clients to use. SEAHAWKS 24-17 (Panthers cover)

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-11.5) - Man Overboard!!! People are jumping ship from the Falcons like it is the Titanic. How pathetic is Atlanta sports?? Sure, the Braves are competitive, but the Thrashers, Hawks and Falcons are a joke. Did you hear the owner's reaction when Petrino resigned?? He gave a Blank stare!! Ba dum dum. BUCS 31-3.

Tennessee at Kansas City (+4) - The Who Cares Game of the Week. I know it means something to the Titans, but for the rest of us, this will be a gut-wrenching one to take in. This could be more boring than a CSPAN marathon. TITANS 21-6.

Chicago at Minnesota (-10) - Kyle Orton - step right up. And get a haircut and shave ya bum! Looking like Jim Clack went out with Jim Clack, and it wasn't very sightly even then! VIKINGS 24-20 (Bears cover)

BEST BETS:
COLTS
BUCS
CHARGERS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 16-0
Against spread: 12-4
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight up: 137-71 (.659)
Against Spread: 108-88-12 (.551)
Best Bets: 22-18-2 (.550) (+$250)

Did I mention I was perfect last week? Well let me tell you. I WAS!!! Like Achilles with a good ankle tendon. If only the Steelers could have manned up and stayed with the Pats, I'd have been perfect on Best Bets, too. But alas, some shmuck scrub had to flap his gums and get the Pats all fired up. Fire up the cash flow and remember:
When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 14

2007-12-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

What a turnaround is under foot! The FatMan went above .500 vs. the spread for the 9th straight week racking up an impressive 11 wins. At one point, the percentage against the spread was .410 and now it is .533!! And the Best Bets are now $160 above water. It has been a roller coaster year, and you know what my Uncle Stan used to do after riding roller coasters?

I don't want to puke, I want to pump my chest and give everyone who jumped off the bandwagon a nice present in the form of a bird.

Why can't managers be irreverent like that anymore?? I'd have loved to beat the shit out of players who act too good to listen. Anyway, enough of me being a tough guy, bragging, and looking to shiv Reggie Jackson - - Let's go to the Sheet!!

WEEK 14:
Chicago at Washington (-3) - Looks like "The Shocker" got a makeover from the boys in Washington last week. It's now the "21" sign. I heard the 21 Gun Salute was scrapped due to it being insensitive. Maybe a more effective tribute this week will be to play the first down of the game with 21 players on defense. REDSKINS 24-17.

Indianapolis at Baltimore (+5) - The Ravens have to be devastated. They came out, played their hearts out and lost in the waning seconds to a team that appears to be destined and allowed to win by all means necessary. This could be a repeat. COLTS 27-17.

Miami at Buffalo (-7) - Cam Cameron is losing control. I'm not sure what is more interesting - breaking down the Dolphins enough to appear to give a crap or wondering if the head coach was born Cameron Cameron. Did his parents really do that to him?? BILLS 28-17.

St. Louis at Cincinnati (-3) - The Rams are an awful road team and the might have Gus Frerotten at the helm again. Meanwhile Chad Johnson is still mugging it up for a team that is 4-8. And he really doesn't appear to give a shit. He is par for the course among Bengals right now. BENGALS 27-20.

Cleveland at Jets (+3.5) - The Browns are coming off a tough loss where it looked like the push-out rule was again selectively not enforced. Got to love ambiguous rules that allow the refs to make judgements. I'd rather everything was black and white than have people who already look confused have to take undefined things into their hands. Remember, this is a group where Tony Corrente and Pete Morelli decide things. EEK! BROWNS 27-24 (Jets cover)

Dallas at Detroit (+11) - I have a suspicious feeling that the Lions are going to keep it close, but I have to decide if that is due to blind hatred towards Dallas or because I think it will really happen. I really hate Dallas, especially the owner with a cat-like face. COWBOYS 35-20.

Kansas City at Denver (-6.5) - I have no clue what to do here. The Broncos just lost to the Raiders and their playoff hopes are precarious at best. Meanwhile, the Chiefs don't even know who will be leading them out of the huddle and when they find out, it isn't going to exactly be Chief Jay Strongbow or some other tough guy. I'll go with the home team. BRONCOS 31-13.

Oakland at Green Bay (-10) - This has the makings of a rout. A warm-weather team of nancy boys going up to the Frozen Tundra to face hardened men. Holy crap does that sound gay. Maybe if I do it in my John Facenda voice. Nope - still gay. PACKERS 28-7.

Tampa Bay at Houston (+1) - This is an interesting one to call. Both teams are most likely going to have backup QB's playing. The Texans will also have Ron Dayne starting. But we are feeding date into our stats machine to see if it is a good thing or not. Shit! The machine just ate the data. Maybe it is trying to get into character... TEXANS 20-17.

Carolina at Jacksonville (-10.5) - The Panthers finally got into the win column at home!! It only took over a year. Put it this way, when they last won, Jake Delhomme was playing good football and Julius Peppers was actually trying. And Byron Leftwich was a Jaguar. JAGS 20-14 (Panthers cover)

Minnesota at San Francisco (+8) - The Niners are a brutally poor team right now. In almost all aspects. Meanwhile Minnesota is rolling. Watch out here. I won't call an upset, but the Vikes play terrible ball on the West Coast. Terrible enough to lose to a horrid team is the biggest question. I'd say No. VIKES 21-16 (Niners cover)

Pittsburgh at New England (-13) - If you find a horseshoe on the way from Baltimore to Foxboro, don't pick it up, it is probably smeared with a pungent, brown substance. Let it go. Can the Steelers end the undefeated season and give us all the joy of watching Jim Kiick, Larry Czonka and Nick Buonocotti hobble in celebration? I'd once again say no. PATS 28-20 (Steelers cover)

Giants at Eagles (-3) - Is McNabb coming back to roost? For the Eagles sake they better hope so. Feeley blew like a Northern Wind. Eli is getting hammered these days, but still had enough moxie to get a big W last week. No, it doesn't make him his brother, but it sure the hell proves he isn't Ed Whitson. Upset Special! GIANTS 27-24.

Arizona at Seattle (-7) - The Cards are coming on, but now they have to go the the home of the 12th man, where there are more false starts than at a jackrabbit track meet. If the slightest bit of pressure can tumble a house of cards, what the heck is a driving rainstorm going to do?? SEAHAWKS 31-20.

San Diego at Tennessee (Pick 'Em) - Whenever there is a coin flip, I'll take the Chargers and their O over the Titans D anytime. Tomlinson can negate a good D, but nothing the Titans do can spruce up their O. Well, except for use a different QB, but then it would be far less amusing to watch people fall over Vince Young by saying things like" Really QB rating doesn't tell that good a story. This guy just makes plays." Remember - they used to say that about Shawn King, too. CHARGERS 24-17.

New Orleans at Atlanta (+4.5) - What a crappy Monday Night game!! Maybe I'll flip it over to The Ocho and watch the 2004 Sumo Wrestling Finals. Does anyone televise Jarts? SAINTS 24-13.

BEST BETS:
STEELERS
CHARGERS
COLTS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 11-5
With Spread: 11-5
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 121-71 (.630)
With Spread: 96-84-12 (.533)
Best Bets: 20-17-2 (.541) (+$160)

I really don't like to always pat myself on the back, but to come back from such a horrendous start has probably been my greatest achievement in the 15 years of the Sheet. I've had 4 years where the Best Bets finished over 65%, but to be at 54% after being 2-7 at one point is quite a good job. I'd tell people to suck on it, but after the Green Bay recap up top, I could really get into a sticky situation if I sound gay saying that. so I'm just going to gloat and say EAT ME! After all, I am a FatMan. And remember:

When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 13

2007-11-30T12:32:00.000-05:00

First off, the good news - I once again was above .500 on the spread. I think that makes 8 weeks in a row. The bad news - I don't have time for witty repartee this week. Let's just say the travel schedule has gotten grueling. That, or, I'm outrunning adoring fans trying to get a piece of FatMan's shirt to sniff his armpit.

Here are the picks this week:

Dallas(-6.5) 30 Green Bay 17
Carolina (-2.5) 24 San Fran 10
Indianapolis (-7.5) 24 Jacksonville 20 (Jags cover)
Minnesota (-3) 27 Detroit 13
San Diego (-4.5) 31 Kansas City 11
Miami (-1.5) 17 Jets 13
Buffalo (+5.5) 24 Washington 17
Tennessee (-3.5) 20 Houston 7
St. Louis (-4.5) 27 Atlanta 14
Philadelphia (-4) 28 Seattle 17
Arizona (-1) 28 Cleveland 24
Denver (-3.5) 30 Oakland 13
New Orleans (-3.5) 24 Tampa Bay 17
Giants (-1.5) 24 Bears 20
Pittsburgh (-7.5) 27 Cincinnati 24 (Bengals cover)
New England (-21) 27 Baltimore 14 (Ravens cover)

BEST BETS:
RAVENS
BRONCOS
CHARGERS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 9-7
With Spread: 9-7
Best Bets 2-1

Year to date:
Straight Up: 110-66 (.625)
With Spread: 85-79-12 (.518)
Best Bets: 18-16-2 (.529) (+$70)

We are 70 beans in the till positive, which is still making green. Can't bitch about profit, unless you're Trump.

Next week, we'll have the usual stuff.

When you want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 12

2007-11-20T10:51:00.000-05:00

A bittersweet week just passed. Was excellent straight up and against the spread, but the Best Bets came in at 1-2, and if those ones aren't cashing in, then I can't call it a good week. At least the Giants salvaged me a win and kept my coffers just a little under water. But it was the 8th straight week of being .500 or above against the spread. That is a feat not many accomplish. At least I'm not fading like a Carolina Panther. Maybe they need to bring back the Good Old Doctor who used to prescribe special "pills" to the players. Calling Dr. James Shortt. Dr. Shortt. Please report to Charlotte.

Some people say that I don't need steroids because my head is already too big as it is. I tell them that they should get their head out of their ass. HGH grows heads, steroids shrink them. Just ask Tony "Peanut Balls" Mandarich.

Well enough about drugs. Let's move onto the sex and rock and roll portion.......

On second thought, can somebody pass me the drugs??? Let's go to The Sheet!!

Week 12:
Jets at Dallas (-14) - Would it be proper form to vomit giblets, gravy and turkey when the Romo Lovefest is in full swing?? If I'm lucky the tryptophan will have kicked in by then and I can sleep it off. It's not like I'll be missing a barn burner. COWBOYS 31-10.

Green Bay at Detroit (+3) - OK, at least watching this game my stomach should be OK. Of course, if the announcers decide to keep up with CBS and will try to see who can give the best hand job of Favre vs. Romo, I might lose weight on Thursday rather than gain it. Jon Kitna better hope he doesn't get the stuffing knocked right out of him. PACKERS 27-20.

Indianapolis at Atlanta (+11.5) - On the bright side, since the NFL Network and the cable companies haven't come to terms, most of America will miss this game. On the other hand, I'm one of the schmucks with the football package. I think first thing Friday AM I'm going to have to call the Mary Kate Bulimia Hotline. Wouldn't it be ironic if I spoke to somebody named Ralph? COLTS 24-17 (Falcons cover)

San Francisco at Arizona (-10.5) - Just when you think you've recovered from the hideous games on Thursday, you get this fine exhibition to watch. Couldn't they have shipped this off to Mexico City again?? Sip on some clear broth, munch on crackers, and pray to the sweet lord that there won't be any Brenda Warner sightings. Your toilet bowl won't be able to take it. CARDINALS 23-17 (Niners cover)

Denver at Chicago (-1) - I hate games like this. Denver, a terrible road team travels to a cold,ass stadium where they play the inconsistent Bears. You never know which Bears team will show up, those looking to fight like a grizzly, or those looking to hibernate. It is almost winter. I need to flip a coin. BRONCOS 24-13.

Tennessee at Cincinnati (Even) - The Bengals are horribly bad. It's almost criminal how far this team has fallen. Meanwhile, the Titans have to be gnashing their teeth over the loss to Denver. On second thought, can one tooth get gnashed?? By the time this one is played out, i might need some frigging Moonshine. BENGALS 24-17.

Houston at Cleveland (-3.5) - I think this will be a good game. Probably not as good as last week where I got to see Brian Billick whine like a baby at the refs getting a call RIGHT!! I guess the egomaniac would rather win a tainted game than lose one fairly. What a horse's ass! BROWNS 33-24.

Buffalo at Jacksonville (-7.5) - The Jags are rolling. Maurice Jones-Drew is knocking men three times his size into a heap on the ground. A win here and a Wild Card slot will be almost solidified. I think Jack Del Rio is sporting wood. Better hide the axe.... JAGUARS 27-10.

Oakland at Kansas City (-5.5) - The Chefs are closing shop early. Luckily, they are playing a team who seems to be rebelling against their owner's "Just Win Baby" mantra. Then again, can you really expect a guy named Brodie to win games?? I'd say he sounds gay, but really, I think he sounds flamingly gay!! CHIEFS 27-17.

Philadelphia at New England (-23) - Folks, that is NOT a typo. The spread is larger than a Chinese Buffet. And I bet that most people will still lay money on New England. Why not, they go for 4th downs when leading by 35 and keep throwing the ball when up 42. Part of me thinks Belicheck wants to see if he can win Asshole of the Year at the same time he fondles the Lombardi Trophy. PATS 30-17 (Eagles cover)

New Orleans at Carolina (+3) - There is no logical answer to what I'm about to do. Call it a gut feeling. I sure hope it isn't just hunger or I'm going to look like a fool. PANTHERS 27-24.

Minnesota at Giants (-7) - The Giants are never a bet to blow somebody out, but I just don't see the Vikes hanging around. If they can't run they are screwed. And I think they will see a lot of 8 and 9 man fronts, forcing whomever the poor schlub will be at QB to throw it. I just wish Mike Tice was around to receive this beating. Childress looks too much like Ned Flanders for me to enjoy it. Okedy-Dokedy. GIANTS 28-14.

Baltimore at San Diego (-9.5) - The Chargers are a different team at home. Their star steroid user doesn't get blown up by a stocky midget. Brian Billick will come in with the swagger of a Cowboy. But he's no Cowboy. He can't even tell the day by the bottle that I drink and sometimes when he's alone all he does is stare at the mirror. He's going to take a ride on Sunday, though. Right to Loserville. CHARGERS 30-13.

Seattle at St. Louis (+3) - The Rams are not going to be a pushover in this one. Steven Jackson is nearly back to full strength and they are playing in the dome. This is their Super Bowl, because come a few weeks from now, they will be sitting at home for the holidays. Always fear a team playing their Super Bowl. Unless they are the Bills. RAMS 27-24.

Washington at Tampa Bay (-3) - Tampa Bay seems to slide by every week on guile and playing mistake-free football. Sooner or later, teams like that make a mistake and get thrashed. Teams like that don't do it against the Redskins though. Is somebody going to finally realize that Joe Gibbs is still coaching like it is the 80's?? Or are we going to have to wait until he gets into his 80's?? BUCS 23-13.

Miami at Pittsburgh (-16) - Can I see a show of hands who wants to play a pissed off Steeler team?? I don't even think Cam Cameron is putting up a limb. Three Dolphins just ran out of the room and Ricky Williams is asleep. STEELERS 34-13.

BEST BETS:
JAGUARS
RAMS
CHARGERS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against Spread: 9-5-2
Best Bets: 1-2

Year To Date:
Straight Up: 101-59 (.631)
Against Spread: 76-72-12 (.514)
Best Bets: 16-15-2 (.516) (-$20)

I'm a Andrew Jackson in the hole for the year. Not where I want to be. But better than a couple of Ben's. This is a great time for the weighty people in our society. What can be finer than deep frying or roasting a succulent bird and serving it with plates of squash, beans, potatoes, and a bevy of pies?? This is jackpot!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Remember:
"When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to the FatMan"

FatMan's Picks - Week 11

2007-11-14T08:57:00.000-05:00

The FatMan has now had 7 winning weeks in a row! To show just how shitty his first 4 weeks were, he is only just now back to .500 against the spread and is a positive $90 on Best Bets. But profit is profit! Don't you think Home Depot would take it?? This week, things actually start to come into better focus and I expect the winning to continue. Injuries start to take tolls. Losing teams start fighting amongst themselves. Teams who have underachieved start to break for the top and will have a good run begin. And the Panthers will continue to suck donkey balls.

Hopefully, we can recognize those trends and make some profit off of it. Nothing worse than going AWOL like Stephon Marbury at a critical juncture like this. Need some extra Xmas cash?? Better run to the window. Or meet a burly Italian in a back alley. Or log onto your computer and give the UIGEA a big fuck you. For those non-degenerates, the UIGEA is the most God-awful bill ever passed. One year ago, it severely restricted online gambling.

Well this is enough hand-wringing over something that Congress failed to notice. Let's just buck up and go to the Sheet!

Week 11:
Arizona at Cincinnati (-3) - Two teams who are definitely not who I thought they were. I thought the Cards had a promising year in front of them, and then Old Man Warner has been forced to play a statue for the remainder of the year. Meanwhile, there are few things that can explain the Bungles. Surely, the 17 or so arrests show a lack of discipline, but they still have a ton of talent. Makes me wonder how much longer Marvin Lewis has? You can crown their asses! Kings of Mediocrity! BENGALS 28-17.

Cleveland at Baltimore (+3) - Look at this line!! I call it the Kyle Boller Effect. He's starting, so bettors run the other way faster than a bunch of Gay Spaniards in Pamplona. Unfortunately for the Ravens, bettors won't be the only people running. Jamal Lewis and Braylon Edwards will also be streaking by. BROWNS 24-13.

Washington at Dallas (-10.5) - Let's say it straight off the bat - the Redskins will lose this game. But, I think they will keep it close. Dallas traditionally rebounds from the Thanksgiving game well, but they stumble a bit in this one, going 3-7 against the spread in the past 10 years. Man, now I just sound like a stat geek! COWBOYS 24-21 (Redskins cover)

Carolina at Green Bay (-10) - It wouldn't shock me if the Panthers made this one interesting. They play well away from home, when there are actually fans present at the start and end of games. But I can't in good conscious recommend people plunk down their hard earned money on a bunch of whining quitters. Mike Rucker celebrated a sack in the loss against the Falcons. I wonder if he watched film of Fred Lane doing The Worm in a 30-7 loss years ago? PACKERS 28-14.

New Orleans at Houston (-1) - This is the hardest game of the week for me to call. I can't seem to get either of these teams pegged correctly. Houston is up and down more than Ron Dayne's weight, and the Saints seem to put forth as much effort as a non-evacuee of Katrina. Usually, I'd go with the Saints thinking that Reggie Bush will be difficult to stop, but maybe if I don't think like I usually do I'll get a W here. TEXANS 21-17.

Kansas City at Indianapolis (-14.5) - Who wants to play Indy the week after Manning threw 6 INT's? A show of hands? Anyone? Bueller? COLTS 38-17.

San Diego at Jacksonville (-3) - Which Chargers team will show up? The efficient offense with LdT pounding the ball and Antonio Gates working the seam, or the mistake-filled group who has seen Phillip Rivers toss more picks than an 80's hair band guitarist? Maybe I'll use different rationale - Jacksonville won last week so they are due to lose this week. Think I'm still a stat geek?? Upset Special! CHARGERS 27-13.

Oakland at Minnesota (-5.5) - The rookie phenom is out with an injury. But this is the Raiders we are talking about. The Raiders who are bad at Oakland, and downright putrid on the road. Dante Culpepper is hobbling back to his old stomping grounds, but look for it to be as welcoming as it was right before he left. VIKINGS 24-12.

New England at Buffalo (+16) - I can't in good faith bet against a home dog getting almost 3 TD's. Even against Brady and the smarmy Pats. Somebody needs to thrash these jackoffs back to Earth, especially after all of the unsavory antics from this year. However, J.P. Losman isn't going to be the cat to crap in their Wheaties. PATS 31-20 (Bills cover)

Giants at Detroit (+3) - I'm going to take a very non-homeristic approach to this one. The Giants lead the league in sacks. The Lions lead the league in giving up sacks. They were held to -16 yards rushing last week and Kevin Jones may not play. Sure, the game is in Detroit where it is as hard on a visiting team as the rough streets outside, but I just don't see Kitna evading pressure. He'll throw a pick and fumble a couple more. GIANTS 30-20.

Miami at Philadelphia (-10) - Well, the monkey is squarely on the Dolphins back now that the Rams have won. Will this team ever win? Will they even come close to winning? Which will Larry Czonka stumble out in a drunken stupor to celebrate first: a Dolphins win or a Pats loss? EAGLES 27-13.

Pittsburgh at Jets (+9) - The Steelers are a bit of an enigma. They sleepwalk through a half in Cleveland, then arise to storm back and win. They will probably do the same this week. Hmm - the spread is the same. I'll learn from history instead of being doomed to repeat it. STEELERS 20-13 (Jets cover)

Chicago at Seattle (-5.5) - The Seattle crowd is tough as nails when they bring the noise. I should know, the Giants once had more illegal motion there than the nightly back and forth rocking in a jail cell. If Rex Grossman plays, the only over/under will be in the number of shorts the Mighty Mite will have to change in 4 quarters. SEAHAWKS 27-10

St. Louis at San Francisco (+3) - My oh my, how much difference a week makes. Last week, the Dolphins were thinking they'd surely get a win before the hapless Rams, and then the Rams went out and demolished the Saints in that crap-trap they call the SuperDome. Now, the Rams are actually favored. Then again, they are playing the Niners who have bent over 7 straight games. Anywhere else but SF that would be considered odd. NINERS 13-10.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (+3) - What a barn-burner for Sunday Night!! I might have to spend the time sharpening my hatchet and then take a chunk out of my scalp each quarter. Just anything to spare the misery. I can live through it. BUCS 24-7.

Tennessee at Denver (-2) - I'm always leery of Denver at home, especially in Prime Time games. Of course, ESPN treats these things as vessels to promote everything from "Dancing to the Stars", to their latest miniseries, to the most recent Disney movie. Pretty much anything but football. That's always such a great thing for us fans. where's that fucking hatchet?? BRONCOS 23-13.

BEST BETS:
BENGALS
CHARGERS
GIANTS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against spread: 7-6-1
Best Bets : 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 89-55 (.618)
Against Spread: 67-67-10 (.500)
Best Bets: 15-13-2 (.536) (+$90)

Well, there you have it. A return to break even. Is it something to crow about?? When you are $500 in the hole a couple weeks into the season, I sure the hell think it is. But then again, you could shove a gold nugget up somebody's ass and they'd complain about the fact you punctured some membranes. If I've learned one thing in life, it is that you can't make everyone happy. Your favorite team could rip off 6 wins in a row, and then when that streak ends, more than a couple "astute" fellows will be nearly giddy at pointing out why the streak ended and why more woe is in store. I guess some people like to get rammed in the nuts repeatedly with a boot.

Now where's my hatchet??? Remember:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks Week 10

2007-11-11T09:50:00.000-05:00

We are back to even on the Best Bets and after another rousing week, are doing our best impression of a comeback as possible. Due to timing this week, I the writeups are unable to be transferred in time for the deadline, so I'll just give a list of the winners:

Atlanta at Carolina (-4): Atlanta 21 Carolina 17
Cleveland at Pittsburgh (-9) - Pittsburgh 34 Cleveland 17
Minnesota at Green Bay (-6) Green Bay 24 Minnesota 21 (Vikes cover)
Philadelphia at Washington (-4) - Eagles 21 Redskins 20
Jacksonville at Tennessee (-4) - Titans 20 Jaguars 17 (Jags cover)
Denver at Kansas City (-3) - Kansas City 24 Denver 14
Buffalo at Miami (+3) - Bills 24 Dolphins 13
St. Louis at New Orleans (-11) - New Orleans 34 St. Louis 20
Cincinnati at Baltimore (-4) - Baltimore 17 Cincinnati 14(Bengals cover)
Chicago at Oakland (+3) - Chicago 28 Oakland 20
Dallas at Giants (+2) - Giants 31 Cowboys 24
Detroit at Arizona (-1) - Detroit 27 Arizona 17
Indianapolis at San Diego (+4) - San Diego 35 Indianapolis 28
San Francisco at Seattle (-10) - Seattle 28 Niners 17

Best Bets:
SAINTS
CHARGERS
EAGLES

Last Week:
Straight Up - 10-4
With Spread - 9-4-1
Best Bets - 1-1-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up - 81-49 (.623)
With Spread - 60-61-9 (.496)
Best Bets - 13-12-2 (.520) ($$$Even)

FatMan's Picks - Week 9

2007-10-31T08:46:00.000-04:00

FatMan cruised to another successful week in picking games and has nearly turned his year from a mountain of debt into a situation where he can start building a temple of gold! Unfortunately, he was so wrapped up in the Giants contest in London, that he decided to stay, sack out with some British tarts, pass out drinking some Boddington's, and see how many times he could get the Beefeater's to flinch.

Since the big guy has gone AWOL, there's only one thing to do - substitute his picks with those of Lansdowne, the former butler, who is now just a stuffy asshole. A fixture of the pick page for the last several years, Lansdowne provides his unique perspective from across the pond. So without any further banter, here's the stately gentleman himself.....

The pleasure is going to be all yours for having me aboard for this week's schedule. After all, you Americans foisted that steaming pile of crap you call football into my vaunted Wembley Stadium last week. No wonder we Brits dismiss that sport as being brutish and ungraceful. A person you call a quarterback, who's job is to handle a ball over and over again, couldn't even do that without losing it time after time. It also would be nice if the quarterback could get the ball to the people running down the field more than 20% of the time. About the only thing I could cheer was the kicking game since it most resembled our football. Unfortunately one bloke couldn't even put the ball through two gigantic posts from the 20 metre line. My Aunt Miriam can even do that, and she stuffs her face with more clotted cream than a pornstar. As all Brits do, let me get right to the point.

WEEK 9:
San Francisco at Atlanta (-3) - Games like this are exactly why Brits detest American football. The only time we would see a contest so putrid would be in a English Conference football matchup. Woking vs. Farsley Celtic might be the closest thing to this tramwreck of a battle. But you people see this kind of a contest each week. I guess winning the Revolutionary War wasn't all it's cracked up to be. FALCONS 20-14.

Cincinnati at Buffalo (-3) - I've already said my piece above on bloody awful games, so I won't beat a dead trotter into the ground even more. I've actually never been to Buffalo and I like it that way. Although the allure of fried foods and beer does have a certain comforting familiarity about it. BILLS 23-14.

Seattle at Cleveland (-1) - Seattle reminds me of the UK. It is dreary, misty, and pretty dank almost all of the time. Makes me wonder how they call themselves the Seahawks. Can you even look up through the clouds to see birds?? The last time I was in Seattle and looked up and some 20 ish slacker was coming out of the clouds at me from a nearby 10-story building. The brains on the sidewalk told me he completed the job he set out to do. Maybe he wasn't a slacker afterall. BROWNS 35-28.

Dallas at Philadelphia (+3) - Finally, a matchup that is like Arsenal vs. Man United. This is going to be a knockdown drag-out affair complete with a stadium full of hooligans. Where do I sign up for tickets? Upset Special! EAGLES 24-20.

Denver at Detroit (-2) - This is a tough one to decide on. I thought I'd watch the International broadcast of the MNF game to find out more about the Broncos, but all I ended up hearing about was some lady who recovered from cancer and her husband with a gray beard. It is strange to have a football game on and see more of the people with microphones instead of the game. I don't think I've ever seen the inside of a booth once a British football game begins. I'm going to have to go on blind luck for this pick. BRONCOS 31-23.

Green Bay at Kansas City (+1) - I think every country sees the same thing. The further you move inland, the sturdier, yet dumber the people get to be. Just like the lads of Birmingham aren't always the sharpest steel in the strop, I get the feeling that the fine folks of Kansas City and Green Bay are one step removed from living in caves. But they are strong like oxen. If they get angry at me, I'll just throw them a hunk of meat. That should occupy them for a while. PACKERS 27-17.

San Diego at Minnesota (+5) - Ever since I was a young lad, I've admired the Nordic Warriors. Then as I aged, I realized they were dirty, smelly, cross-breeding nomads. I would have thought they'd settle in West Virginia instead of Minnesota, but perhaps my grasp of US geography isn't as keen as it could be. CHARGERS 28-10.

New England at Indianapolis (+4.5) - Two undefeated teams settling their differences on the pitch. This is something I could enjoy. Why the hell couldn't Wembley have gotten one of these sides instead of a team who last won when Paul Potts was just a mobile phone salesman? PATS 38-35 (Colts cover)

Jacksonville at New Orleans (-3) - The atrocities of New Orleans were broadcast on BBC for days. Those poor people huddled into shoddy conditions where they were forced to rape and fling poo to pass the time. I wonder why the people forced to take up temporary shelter in San Diego didn't act the same way. Thank God we don't get natural disasters in London. Parliament takes enough crap already without people blaming them for Loch Ness Monster attacks. SAINTS 27-14.

Houston at Oakland (-3) - The last time I was in the States, I was whisked off to a Raider game. After seeing all of the people dressed up like Gothic Transformers it opened my eyes. I thought only the Japanese were crazy enough to dress like mythical anime figures in public. I was going to say something, but Darth Vader next to me shivved me in the vocal chords. RAIDERS 24-17.

Arizona at Tampa Bay (-3) - The US version of "The Office" isn't half bad. Perhaps I'll watch that while this game is going on. If I wanted to see bad telly shows, I think I'd watch the US version of "Coupling" before this rubbish. BUCS 24-12.

Carolina at Tennessee(-4) - The last time I saw a 44 year old footballer was in a Seniors charity game held in Coventry. And I think two of the poor chaps broke their hips. And you people think tough guys play American football? It can't be that tough if Grandparents are taking the field. TITANS 20-10.

Washington at Jets (+3) - The Jets benched Chad Pennington this week. I knew a Pennington from Sheffield. He was a fob and a wanker, too. Maybe the two are related? REDSKINS 20-7.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-8.5) - Speaking of Sheffield, it is a lot like Pittsburgh. Steel foundries clang noisily day and night. Bad ale is served by fat wenches in the pubs. The best food is deep fried to hide what it really is. And their football teams are rugged. The one difference is that the Pittsburgh footballers actually win. STEELERS 28-17.

BEST BETS:
CHARGERS
STEELERS
REDSKINS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 10-3
With Spread: 8-5
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 71-45 (.612)
With Spread: 51-57-8 (.472)
Best Bets: 12-11-1 (.522) (+$10)

As always, we thank Lansdowne for his honest and typically British critiques. Maybe we can buy him a pint of Guinness with the $10 we are up for the year. Or maybe we can let the poor bastard by himself one and we'll invest in a toothbrush instead. But more importantly, FatMan has had 4 winning weeks in a row on Best Bets. He wanted to take the Titans this week, but the Panthers are undefeated away from home, so he's going with a couple tough matchups. Hopefully FatMan didn't use up all of his energy just getting back to the hill - now he needs to push onward and upward! Because once a FatMan gets momentum he can take out whatever is in his path, including surly Brits. Whatever happens, it is sure to be a wild ride. Remember:
When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 8

2007-10-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

Hey, I don't want to toot my own horn. The only people who do that are clowns and aggressive drivers, but don't look now - - I'm back to .500 on the Best Bets. In what can sometimes bite a person doing early picks, I locked in on the Saints only giving 6 points to the Falcons. So I pushed, but the line grew as the week went on. And the Best Bets rolled in at 2-0-1 because of it! We just always have to remember that it is a long year. Hell, ESPN and half of the "experts" were ready to string Tom Coughlin and the Giants up a pole after the first two weeks, and now, they are pulling back General Tom's tightie-whities to give some oral action. I think I just threw up in my mouth writing that. The only thing I want to picture hard on Tom, is his hard-ass demeanor. Point is - there's still time to get on the bandwagon, and there's room too!! I'll just shove some of the groupies we picked up on our way through South Bend off.

Apparently this guy is guarding against another potato famine. To each his own. Point being, there's a LOT more room to hop on the FatMan picks! So before chubby tries to get back on and pops a tire, let's go to the sheet!!

WEEK 8:

Indianapolis at Carolina (+7) - Rumor has it that James Taylor will be at the game performing "Carolina on My Mind" Sunday. Rumor also has it that he and Vinny will reminisce about their cut-up days in high school. What isn't a rumor is that the Colts are going to matriculate the ball down the field better than Hank Stram ever could have imagined. COLTS 38-17.

Detroit at Chicago (-5) - This is a tough one to handicap. The Bears are certainly not lighting the world on fire, but the Lions have been more inconsistent than OJ Simpson's alibis. While The Juice is getting squeezed, Kitna might be getting crunched by Urlacher. The Lions will do enough to keep this game close, however. BEARS 20-17 (Lions cover)

Cleveland at St. Louis (+3) - Is this the Rams best chance for a win?? Could be, but the way they are getting spanked lately, dominatrixes are getting jealous. The Browns will give up points, and Steven Jackson will be back, but the Browns can score, too. Scott Linehan is on the hot seat which is utterly ridiculous - with as battered as the Rams are, Vince Lombardi would have a hard time winning. Plus, he's probably completely decayed by now.... BROWNS 34-21.

Washington at New England (-16) - Joe Gibbs is doing all he can to build this into a David vs. Goliath matchup. But actually, it is. The Pats are a juggernaut right now. However, the Redskins will have the best defense Brady will see. The man is good at going through barriers, however. He broke the barrier of being a late-round draft pick to become a star, and even his sperm have swum around and through barriers to impregnate supermodels. I haven't met Superman, but this guy is about as close as they come. PATS 28-17 (Redskins cover)

New Orleans at San Francisco (+3) - The Niners are bad right now. Rice-A-Roni bad. When Trent Dilfer is throwing clipboards on the sidelines in frustration, you know you have issues. The Saints don't travel well, but this is like scrimmaging a Division I-AA team right now (Or do I have to call them the Subdivision?). The Niners are so bad right now that the strongest Breeze in the Bay Area on Sunday will be Drew. SAINTS 28-20.

Buffalo at Jets (-3) - Another difficult game to call. The Jets have a problem. Their QB can't throw passes with any kind of speed on them. But they aren't changing the QB. Memo to Mangini, if you are a genius, you better get the guy out of there who is making you look like a moron. Or pretty soon you will be professionally "sleeping with the fishes". BILLS 21-17.

Giants at Miami (+9) - Actually, this game is in Jolly Old England where even the Brits are non-plussed to see a winless team grace the hallowed pitch at Wembley. Take away Ronnie Brown and the Fins go from being a putrid team to being a disfigured, gnarled mess. This game has made a lot of Pounds, and the Giants will invest some of those on Cleo Lemon and his hapless troop of losers. Teeth could get knocked out in this one which will delight the dentally-challenged Londoners. GIANTS 35-13.

Philadelphia at Minnesota (+1) - I have no idea what to do here. Both teams have dynamic RB's and not much else to show. If I had to guess, the Vikes would win this one at home, but I'm terrible at guessing. That ruled out being a carny at a young age. EAGLES 24-20.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati (+3.5) - This is a rivalry game. These teams hate each other. Like the Hatfields hate the McCoys. Like the Serbs hate the Croats. And like the Cincinnati police department hates the Bengals. It's gotten so bad that whenever there's a cardiac arrest, Marvin Lewis has to give an accounting of where his players have been. STEELERS 24-21 (Bengals cover)

Houston at San Diego (-9) - The Chargers might not play this game in San Diego. It all depends on the wildfires. But something tells me it is the Texans who should be on the watch for getting burnt. Sage Rosenfels came in last week, and after getting jeered about his nancy-like first name, he put in a decent showing. Don't look for the Chargers to be as forgiving. They will look to muddle him. CHARGERS 34-17.

Jacksonville at Tampa Bay (-2) - Another very tight game to predict. The Jags are coming off a short week, but it isn't like they have a grueling travel routine. Meanwhile, the Bucs offense sputtered badly in Detroit and Garcia coughed up balls like he was living up to T.O.'s vision of him. This will be a tight game. Flip a coin or just go with the home team. BUCS 16-13.

Oakland at Tennessee (-7) - The Titans faithful were probably all passed out by the time that the Texans made a historic attempt at a comeback, so they think their team won handily. This week, look for the jugs of moonshine to be waving frantically as brothers and sisters, cousins and step-cousins, cheer side by side for the hometown heroes. hopefully the fans have Kerry-proofed the flasks. TITANS 21-17(Raiders cover)

Green Bay at Denver (-3) - The schedule makers have been kind to the Broncos giving them two prime-time games in a row. This week, they look to throttle the Pack. If the NFL keeps putting competitive matchups like this on mondays, ABC is going to have to have more shenanigans on "Dancing With the Stars" to keep up. This week Marie Osmond fainted. what's next week, Wayne Newton's face falling off? The guy has a permasmile even a clown abhors. BRONCOS 28-20.

BEST BETS:
COLTS
GIANTS
BILLS

Last week:
Straight Up: 8-6
With Spread: 6-7-1
Best Bets: 2-0-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 61-42 (.592)
With spread: 43-52-8 (.453)
Best Bets: 10-10-1 (.500) (-$80)

We are back to almost even water. And that is even with the bone-head switch I made last week of taking the Steelers over the Broncos after I had correctly predicted the upset early in the week. That means no more late-week edits for me!! Actually, I think this is looking like a tough week to call. There are 6 or more games where the outcome could easily go either way. But I do feel confident in the Best Bets. As an extra bonus, the chance for the NFL to play in London works great timing-wise for the Sheet. Next week, our friendly Brit, Lansdowne, will be here to write his annual guest spot. Right after he's able to see things up close and personal! Three cheers for the surly ex-butler! I'll take my bye week with flying colors and probably spend it getting trashed on Tahiti. Just Remember:
"When You Want the Skinny on Picking Turn to The FatMan"

FatMan's Picks - Week 7

2007-10-16T15:48:00.000-04:00

All hands on deck!! The FatMan is cruising - - - on a Sunday afternoon. What was a dismal start to the season has turned into just being a mediocre campaign. Soon, I look to turn it into a successful year, like it appears that the Giants are doing. It could be challenging. That usually takes perseverance and hard work, and I specialize in laziness and glomming off of others. Maybe I'll just get lucky!

All I know is that we've finally turned a corner and the Best Bets have pocketed dinero three weeks in a row. And it ain't pesos, although the way the dollar is going, it might be better to have pesos in the near future. But why should I discuss stuff best relegated to MSNBC here? I shouldn't. You want financial advice, go to Merrill Lynch and pay some stooge in a suit a bunch of money to do something you can do on your own. Instead, come here and get picks from a guy in a wife-beater and pasta stains, and support an activity reserved for the Underworld. You'll feel better.

That picture was taken during my dieting "phase". Enough of the nostalgic photos - let's go to the sheet!

Week 7:

Baltimore at Buffalo (+3) - Kyle Boller gets the start. While normally, this means I would bet the ranch against his sorry ass, I think the Bills are still trying to figure out how they lost to the Cowboys. That is the type of game that can destroy a season. Well, so can being in the Patriots division. The old double-whammy!! They Pressed their luck and lost. RAVENS 24-17.

Jets at Cincinnati (-6) - The Bengals need a win in the worst way. The Jets need a shot in the arm. Scratch that - Pennington needs a new arm. When DB's are calling fair catches on passes, you might be a poor NFL QB. When the kid in row 1, section 133 is your leading WR, you might be a poor NFL QB. When you get called for intentional grounding because a 10 yard out doesn't reach the outside of the tackle box, you might be a poor NFL QB. Maybe I can get in on the action of the Blue Collar comedy tour?? BENGALS 27-13.

Minnesota at Dallas (-9.5) - This is a tough game to handicap. Dallas certainly has the firepower to explode. But Adrian Peterson is doing a damn good job in blowing up scoreboard lightbulbs. Actually, that is just a saying - I think most scoreboards have digital pixels these days. We've come a long way from the "Beat the Clock" style timekeeping. COWBOYS 27-20 (Vikes cover)

Tampa Bay at Detroit (-2) - The Bucs are having some offensive troubles and might start to use the term "running back" loosely. As in "falling down back". A guy cut in front of me in traffic yesterday, and instead of wishing him ill, I wished that he was carrying the rock for the Bucs. He immediately broke his leg. And who says positive thoughts don't work?? BUCS 21-17.

Tennessee at Houston (-4) - Good old Kerry Collins will be slinging the hash on Sunday. The Texans are hoping he does the usual routine and slings it their way. People used to call Collins selfish, but he really did mature. Just look at how he shares the ball with teammates and opponents alike. TEXANS 24-16.

New England at Miami (+16) - Sixteen point home dogs is not something a team strives for. Then again, 16 is probably light when a guy named Cleo is running the show. But maybe it will be his coming out party? I'm thinking one Cleo coming out is good enough for all of us... PATS 41-20.

Atlanta at New Orleans (-6) - ESPN never fear. If Tony Romo has a couple of rough games in a row, they can always go back to fellating last year's superhero, Reggie Bush. I once downed 12 mugs of beer poorly poured by a brand-new bartender and I got less head than Bush when he carries for 7 yards on 10 attempts. SAINTS 27-13.

San Francisco at Giants (-8) - This is a game where most people will be Giants fans. Except more than half won't be cheering for a brooding roid-head with anger issues. Well, maybe they will and just not know it....... This is the highly anticipated matchup of the two guys Chris Mortensen royally fucked up on reporting. According to the Mort, neither guy was going to play a down again after spraining shoulders. Somebody better tell Plaxico that Eli is gone. More great work from ESPN, your entertainment and shit network. GIANTS 27-13.

Kansas City at Oakland (-3) - There is one or two teams every year that no matter how you pick them, you lose. The Chefs are my nemesis this year. Every time I think they will wilt, they cook up an upset. Everytime I think they will rise like yeasty dough, they deflate like a rotten egg souffle. What will they do this week? Beets me. Upset Special! CHIEFS 24-20.

Chicago at Philadelphia (-4.5) - I think the Bears are going to pull an upset here, but something is stopping me from going with it. Could it be the iffy play at QB? Or maybe the non-existent production from RB? How about the battered D? I'll go with none of the above and say Brian Westbrook. What would Mini-Ditka's say about that? EAGLES 20-17 (Bears cover)

Pittsburgh at Denver (+3.5) - The Broncos are in desperate need of a win. Even though I'm sure their rat-faced douche of a coach will survive anyway. Last year, they collapsed and missed the playoffs. Not a peep from everyone's favorite sports mouths. Last year, the Giants collapsed and made the playoffs and you had calls for changing the playoff system to firing the coach and dismantling the team. Way to be consistent. I hope the Steelers beat the Broncs senseless which can only mean one thing.... BRONCOS 28-24. EDIT 10/19 - Walker is out, the Broncs don't have a chance! STEELERS 31-17.

St. Louis at Seattle (-9) - There are a lot of offensive things in Seattle - tree-hugger's hairy armpits, the smell of B.O. from Grunge rockers, paying $5 for a cup of coffee. But there has been nothing offensive about the Seahawks. These guys score less than an agoraphobic. That's right smart guy - look it up. If somebody is going to overcome woes, the Rams are the team to do it against. SEAHAWKS 27-13.

Arizona at Washington (-7) - Kurt Warner has proclaimed that he tore elbow ligaments but maintains that prayer will heal him quicker. So the guy notifies all of his friends even before the Cardinal docs are able to make a diagnosis. Why do that when all he had to do was ask The Mort to say he was out for the year?? Instant recovery! Now, he's going to miss a lot of time and either blame God or his friends for not praying hard enough. WHY HATH THOU FORESAKEN ME!!!!! REDSKINS 20-10.

Indianapolis at Jacksonville (+3) - The Jags can win here. I don't have anything to back it up. But then again, do I ever?? Upset Special Part Deux! JAGS 28-24.

BEST BETS:
BENGALS
SAINTS
PATRIOTS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 9-4
With spread: 7-4-2
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 53-36 (.596)
Spread: 37-45-7 (.451)
Best Bets: 8-10 (.444) (-$280)

We're coming around. Although against the spread there have been more ties than an Alex P. Keaton closet, we are staying through the fight and duking it out. And let me tell you, we are doing it better than Evander Holyfield. I think Tyson bit off the part of his ear that listened to his body telling him, "No Mas". Either that or he is too dumb to understand Spanish. Frankly, either one is possible. Why do I go on tangents like that? Mainly because I can! Anyone who doubted me - eat crow and remember:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 6

2007-10-09T10:26:00.000-04:00

Strike up the band!!!

Woohoo, for the first time since week 1, the FatMan finished above .500 on all three areas - straight up, with spread and best bets!! I'm so happy, my Herbie Hancock is engorged! Play me a tune band nerds!!!

So let's turn to the physics majors here. What happens when a fat man rolls down a hill?? That's right, he gains speed! Look out below!!

Now that we have Lady Mo back on our side, let's be like Stevie Winwood and roll with it. Let's go to the Sheet:

Week 6:

Carolina at Arizona (-4.5) - Kurt Warner is playing like a man possessed. He'll tell you he's possessed by God, but I think he's possessed with a decent OL, a good RB and a dominant WR. I'd love to hear Warner after a loss. I don't remember him ever coming on and saying "Well, God just didn't like us today. His praise and glory was given to the other team. Or maybe he was giving his attention to hunger in the Sudan. Ahh, who the fuck am I kidding, those ingrates are Muslim! Thanks be to God for giving me the strength to walk off the field a complete lead-footed loser." That might land me in Kathy Griffin territory.... CARDS 24-20 (Panthers cover)

St. Louis at Baltimore (-10) - We can all admit the Rams are horrid. Perhaps God is smiting them for abandoning his Golden Son Kurt, but I have a hunch it is because they have more people disabled that the 4th floor of a trauma clinic. When the gimpy McNair beats them, it will be like one of their own coming home to roost and brag about it. RAVENS 20-14 (Rams cover)

Minnesota at Chicago(-6) - Looks like the Bears get one win and the Gambinos are drooling all over them again. 6 point favorites?? The Vikes are far from impressive, but I have to believe if the Packers were gouging them with the run then Adrian Peterson can too. If not, the Lovie-fest might start getting cranked up again. Another cover by the underdog. BEARS 14-10 (Vikes cover)

Cincinnati at Kansas City (+3) - The Chefs cooked up an upset two weeks ago vs. the Bolts and then burnt the house down with a grease fire last week. Whether the head chef is Croyle or Huard it won't matter, bith will give you food poisoning. I'm not taking them again this year. They're on the list!!! BUNGLES 31-20.

Miami at Cleveland (-4.5) - You have to think it is a matter of time before the Dolphins win a game. But with a guy named Cleo Lemon at the helm?? You have to think he'll go the same route as other QB's with pussy first names like Sage Rosenfels or Heath Shuler. I think Cleo Huxtable could have a better shot. BROWNS 23-10.

New England at Dallas (+3) - The Cowboys horseshitted up a win last night, which will leave them primed to get taken down by the Pats. The only question will be if tony Romo will get blamed if he throws another few picks or if ESPN will be gargling too much milky stuff to say anything. PATS 30-23.

Washington at Green Bay (-3) - I have a feeling that Washington will bring it this week, but being in Green Bay, the Pack will pull one out. So the question becomes, can the Redskins cover?? Let me swallow the milky stuff of Farve before commenting. GRRRAGHHH. PACKERS 24-17.

Houston at Jacksonville (-6.5) - The Texans escaped with a win last week in a game they had no business even being close in. This week, they will take on the up-and-down Jags. Del Rio's squad is going to have to show me more consistency before I plunk down my reputation on them. And yes, I know my reputation carries as much weight as Tinkerbell right now. JAGS 20-17 (Texans cover)

Philadelphia at Jets (+3) - The Jets are a bad football team right now. They have a guy who puts perfect punts in the air. Unfortunately, his name is Pennington. I've seen worse throws in the scrap room of a rug factory. I know McNabb has had some struggles, but until he looks like Pennington, he hasn't hit rock bottom. EAGLES 30-20.

Oakland at San Diego (-10) - The Chargers laid a good old fashioned ass kicking on Denver last week, IN DENVER. That must have led to some long soul-searching phone calls between twins Coach K and Mike Shanahan this week, but I digress. Ride the hot hand and watch as it spanks the living shit out of the Raiders. CHARGERS 35-13.

New Orleans at Seattle (-6.5) - I keep thinking that the Saints are going to turn this thing around, and then I watch them play and I litter my carpet with regurgitated rice and beans. Dirty rice embedded with little carpet hairs is really revolting. Not Sandra Bernhard-like revolting, but pretty damn disgusting nonetheless. SEAHAWKS 35-17.

Tennessee at Tampa Bay (-3) - This is going to be a close game, a good defensive game, and one of the most boring games of the week to watch. Somebody do the honor and call me with an update. I have new carpeting in thanks to the aforementioned Saints. BUCS 20-16.

Giants at Atlanta (+3.5) - The road team has won something like the last 10 meetings between these two teams. Last week I ignored a stat like that by picking the Lions to beat the Redskins - something they hadn't done since Walt Disney was still alive. I won't make the same mistake twice. GIANTS 28-20.

BEST BETS:
BROWNS
CHARGERS
BENGALS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 9-5
With Spread: 7-6-1
Best Bets: 2-1

Year to Date:
Straight Up: 44-32 (.579)
With Spread: 30-41-5 (.423)
Best Bets: 6-9 (.400) (-$370)

It is still damn embarrassing to have the lowest percentage in the Best Bets, especially since I hand-pick those games . So I'm going old school. I'm going to make three new signal callers have good games in order to beat the favorites. Cleo Lemon - step right up. Brady Coyle - you're the next contestant on "Eat Dirt". Dante Culpepper - you get the starring role in "Something Borrowed, Something Black and Blue". Go ahead punks. Do you feel lucky. Well do you??

I didn't think so. Remember:
When you Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan's Picks - Week 5

2007-10-02T15:37:00.000-04:00

Fuck it all - I don't even know why I pick games anymore. I have less notches on my belt than an Olson twin. I'm withering away to a twig since I can't feed myself or my family. I was so pissed at my latest week of picks, I took a photo of my reaction:

See what I mean!! Kate Moss outweighs me now. On the bright side, after a few more weeks of hunger, my stomach will distend like a Somalian and I'll at least look fat. I've been handing more green to the Mafia than Louie the Drug dealer. They are sending me cannolis, hookers, and Italian horns just to keep my action. Pretty soon, I'll be homeless, but at least I'll have pastries and garish jewelry. Fuggetaboutit! I can't take it anymore. It stops now! I'm going to fatten myself up like a DeLuise and turn this fucking season around!! I might pull Vince Lombardi out of the ground so his sharp bones can slap me upside the head and he can give me a pep talk!

"SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE AND GET TO WORK"!!

Yes, Vince. Yes.
Let's go to the sheet!

Week 5:
Arizona at St. Louis (+3) - The Rams are in disarray. Meanwhile, you'd think Bobby Ross is coaching the Cardinals the way they are doing the QB shuffle. I'm having flashbacks to Georgia Tech. The Rambling Wreck!! What the fuck does this have to do with the game at hand? Absolutely nothing! I'll go off on tangents if it will help me win. Upset Special! RAMS 24-20.

Baltimore at San Francisco (+3) - Another home dog. Home dogs don't scare me. Either does Frankenstein. Marsupials do - - - - because they're FAST(and from the looks of it - creepy)!!!! RAVENS 24-6.

San Diego at Denver (-1.5) - Fear the Chargers. Would anyone really want to play a 1-3 team who is pissed off and angry? Then again, the pock-faced Norv Turner is still in charge. The Broncos are filling bags with nickels as we speak, hoping to give him another shot to his dented mug. Norv fights back for a week. BOLTS 30-20.

Chicago at Green Bay (-3) - Are the Packers for real?? Da Bears got declawed in Detroit, so there is no expectation they will roar in the frozen North. But this year has been wacky. Not Andy Dick wacky, but wacky nonetheless. Take Farve and ride him. Not in an Andy Dick way, but you get the point. PACKERS 27-20.

Miami at Houston (-5.5) - I haven't picked the Texans this year. Maybe that's what is wrong. Houston, we have a problem. Nahhhh, that's not what's wrong. I've just sucked. Not like Andy Dick, but you get the point once again. TEXANS 20-17 (Fins cover)

Tampa Bay at Indianapolis (-10) - If Marvin Harrison can't go, the Colts will pick a person in the pregame who is holding a lucky raffle ticket to play WR. The poor schlub will only get 2 TD's. Is it politically correct to say Cadillac has a bad wheel? COLTS 31-14.

Jacksonville at Kansas City (+2.5) - I wouldn't go near this game if I were blind and couldn't tell the difference. I'd hear people wretching while trying to decide who will win. Or am I standing next to an Olson Twin again?? Why have I brought up skinny ass twins who look like gnomes twice today?? I have Dick on the brain. CHIEFS 27-17.

Cleveland at New England (-16) - The Pats are steamrolling people like a construction foreman. Meanwhile, the Browns are staying respectable. Not for long - Jane, you ignorant slut. PATS 30-17 (Browns cover)

Carolina at New Orleans (-3) - The Saints are in major need of a natural disaster. It has been the only thing to give them a gust of life in the past few years. Now, they just blow. Luckily, Carolina sucks. In an Andy Dick sort of way. SAINTS 27-13.

Jets at Giants (-3.5) - Giants Stadium. Both teams play in Giants Stadium. It must really suck to be a Jets fan and say, "I'm heading to Giants Stadium to see the Jets-Bills game." you can't even say that the stadium is a piece of shit, or you'll be making fun of your own place. Giants Stadium. I just like the sound of it. GIANTS 28-20.

Seattle at Pittsburgh (-5.5) - The fragile coffee roasters meet the burly beer swillers. The Silver meets the Gold. West vs. East. The Seahawks play away from home like they are missing their caffeine. I expect them to get jolted in this one to shake them back to reality. STEELERS 24-13.

Atlanta at Tennessee (-8.5) - I never count on the Titans to destroy any team. The might win, but I can't see a beating. Unless your best friend gets caught sleeping with your wife, sister and aunt in the same night, the outrage isn't there. How can you sleep with those 3 people in the same night?? They are all the same person! TITANS 20-14 (Falcons cover)

Detroit at Washington (-3.5) - The last time the Lions went on the road to an NFC East team, they had 60 points hurled at them. Rumor has it, the Redskins get to carry over some of the Eagles points as long as they agree not to wear the shittiest uniforms known to man. Those jerseys stunk!! Oh, wait a minute, that's just an upset I smell. LIONS 27-24.

Dallas at Buffalo (+10) - A double-digit home dog. That happens about as often as Jim Kelly being a nice guy. Drinks are on me at that asshole's bar after the game. This one might be a yawner - - Uh oh, I hope that doesn't mean I need to plug something........COWBOYS 28-14.

BEST BETS:
LIONS
STEELERS
CHARGERS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 6-8
Spread: 6-8
Best Bets: 2-1

Season to Date:
Straight Up: 35-27 (.565)
Spread: 23-35-4 (.397)
Best Bets: 4-8 (.333) (-$460)

I still suck out loud, but at least the Best Bets had a positive week. For a while, the Chargers almost made it a perfect day. But like so much else this football season, I crapped the bed. Hey, who here didn't take the Cowboys in a suicide pool and isn't dead?? The lack of hands makes me think I'm back in Morocco. Being down $460 simoleans still has me wonder how I can pay for Xmas this year. Maybe I'll have to degrade myself like Andy Dick. And with that, I leave you with one last image of our generations biggest bisexual addict/fuckwad:

And remember:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to the FatMan!

FatMan's Picks - Week 4

2007-09-25T08:17:00.000-04:00

OK. Let me just say it now. I DID IT!!!!!

I bought the Giants a victory last week! Of course, in the process, I've nearly ruined my reputation as a forecaster as bad as a drunken weatherman, and I'm so far behind in cash that my heat might get turned off when Winter comes. At least I'll have worthless predictions to burn and keep warm with. To make it clear - I fucking suck.

There. It's said. It is out there. Now there's two things I could do. Pack it in and quit like a retired gay porn star, or keep at it and improve, which is what the Law of Averages and past performance say will happen. I'm no Max Cannon, so we are staying on this ship and righting it!! No icebergs ahead. If you choose not to bet and reclaim losses, that's your choice. I put you here - let me dig you out! Let's go to the sheet, I'm grabbing my shovel.....

WEEK 4:
Baltimore at Cleveland (+4 1/2) - The Ravens are having problems closing out games. The Jets and Cards both nearly came back to win. Part of that is a lack of mental toughness. The other part is having Kyle Boller under center. The only thing you want Boller under is the 3rd guy on the depth chart. Take the Browns and hope for the best. RAVENS 20-17 (Browns cover)

Tampa Bay at Carolina (+2) - The Panthers are most likely without Jake Delhomme, which means TB defenders are upset at the lack of interception opportunities they will see. But if David Carr is in there, they will lick their chops at the prospect of getting more sacks than an obese man at White Castle. Look for the Bucs to run, run, run, all the way home - with a win. BUCS 21-16.

Chicago at Detroit (+3) - I have no clue how to pick this one. Any pop-gun defense could put a leash on Rex, but the Bears will only wait so long before Griese gets a chance to trip over the dog. However, I think Jon Kitna will get hit so hard, he's going to remember being in Seattle and only in Seattle for the next 7 days. BEARS 20-13.

St. Louis at Dallas (-11) - The Rams will be without Steven Jackson. They've lost their 3rd OL guy for the year in 3 weeks. This is not going to be good for them. They will get more battered than a.......well, Ram. Meanwhile, some guy in Canton is already chiseling a bust of Romo. God save us all. COWBOYS 35-10.

Green Bay at Minnesota (+1) - I'll say this - the Vikings are not a good team. they have no D and their QB's are a mix of terrible throwers and horrid journeymen. But they do have a good D, and Farve sucks as loud as a Nordic horn in that dome. It makes predicting this game very difficult. I think the Vikes win simply because they don't want the Pack to go to 4-0, and that's all I'm hanging my hat on. VIKES 20-13.

Houston at Atlanta (+3) - I was going to pick against Atlanta, but then DeAngelo Hall said he'd bitch-slap me and treat me like a Bad Newz Kennel animal. As shocking as that sounds, I won't put anything past a Falcon. Them kids are CRAAAAZZZYYYYY!!! I don't want to get gatted down over something this insignificant. FALCONS 24-20.

Denver at Indianapolis (-9) - The Colts are on a roll, and the Broncs barely squeaked by the first two weeks before getting clawed by the Jags. Jay Cutler is banged up and just not that good. Meanwhile Manning is healthy and spectacular. Like Teri Hatcher's pups. But really, the only Desperate Housewife in this one will be Shanahan, the rat bastard. COLTS 38-20.

Oakland at Miami (-4) - Ronnie Brown, step on up!! You're the next contestant on "The Dolphin Flava of the Week". Spin the wheel and see if you land on "Sacked for Breaking and Entering" or "Cheebed Out - Pass Go and get to the desert" or "Lead a drug-smuggling ring" or "Blown up knee - see trainer". round and round it goes, where it stops can't be good.... DOLPHINS 28-17.

Jets at Buffalo (+3.5) - The Bills are in a sorry state. Lee Evans has less catches than a blind cat. Their Polish Hammer has a broken arm. Their surfer QB just wiped out. And they are getting pasted more than a roll of wallpaper. you think they might rebound but then you look and say - - - HOW?? JETS 24-13.

Philly at Giants (+3) - Unless the Eagles are donning the ugliest uniforms known to man once again, I don't think they will have the same offensive mojo. Who came up with that design, Andy Reid's son?? i'm not buying anymore wins for the Giants, they can do it on their own. Upset Special! GIANTS 31-24.

Pittsburgh at Arizona (+5.5) - Kurt Warner success last week means two disturbing things for the Cards. 1) They will realize it was temporary and the Steelers will treat him like a grocery stockboy. 2) Cloris Leachman's twin, Brenda Warner is going to be featured. Let's face it, neither scenario is appealing. STEELERS 27-13.

Kansas City at San Diego (-12) - The Chargers are pissed. Norv Turner is red faced. We aren't sure if it is irritation from the pus-filled pock marks, or if it is embarrassment, though. Still, LT and Merriman being upset might be good enough. Do you really want a steroid freak getting enraged?? CHARGERS 31-9.

Seattle at San Francisco (+1.5) - The Seahawks do not play well in SF. I don't know if it is because they miss the coffee and the driving rainstorms, or if they have an irrational fear of gay people. All I know is that the look bad there. Bad enough that I can't bet on them. NINERS 24-21.

New England at Cincinnati (+7) - The Pats are giving too many points to go with them on the spread here. Ocho Cinco lives for the spotlight, and Monday Night is the perfect time for him to shine. The Pats win to stay undefeated and Larry Czonka gets a little more worried, but it will be close. PATS 38-35 (Bengals cover)

BEST BETS:
COWBOYS
CHARGERS
COLTS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 9-7
Spread: 3-11-2
Best Bets: 0-3

YTD:
Straight Up: 29-19 (.604)
Spread: 17-27-4 (.386)
Best Bets: 2-7 (.222) (-$550)

I can't excuse the poor performance. To right the ship, I'm taking a couple high spread teams who I think will blow out their opponents. I'm embarrassed to be in the same area code as Rob Deer's batting average with my best bets. Rich Belanger is hosting a roast in my honor. Key speakers will be Mario Mendoza, Bill Bergen, and Denny Doyle. at least 1 out of the three will show up, which still beats my average by more than 100 points!! Sad, and leaves me without an appetite. and that's just not right. Remember:
"When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan"

FatMan's Picks - Week 3

2007-09-19T07:59:00.001-04:00

Note to self - never make picks without having witty remarks. Last week, I didn't have time for substance, so I threw some picks up and got hammered. Actually, calling it getting hammered is understating the greased fist that I took. It was the worst single week The FatMan has had in 5 years! Not since the infamous week 8 in 2002 were the Best Bets 0-3 and less than 5 wins against the spread achieved. You monkeys who follow my picks blindly deserve better. And I deserve to give you better. This week you will not be disappointed, unless of course you decide not to bet. The choice, as always is yours. Please gamble responsibly and never while drinking. This statement is being brought to you by Harrah's. Now cue the Milwaukee Light commercial in 3...2....1......

Well, enough self pity. Time to get to the nitty gritty. Damn, I'm a regular Dr. Seuss!! To the sheet!

Week 3:
Arizona at Baltimore (-8) - This line is pretty high, but the murdering jackass Ray Lewis is in form, and Willis McGahee will probably knife his way through for a score or two, so go with the team in Purple. I asked my Marlin Perkins what he thought and he said, "A raven will rip a Cardinal's head off and digest it's heart in one peck". Can't argue with that. RAVENS 24-12.

Carolina at Atlanta (+4) - Which Panther team will show up - the one who stopped the Rams cold, or the ones who made Houston look like the Colts? If Harrington ends up looking like Manning, the teal and white will have issues. Who the fuck chooses teal as a uniform color, anyway?? Is it a tribute to the garish colors of the Orlando Thunder? PANTHERS 27-17.

Dallas at Chicago (-3) - This is a tough one for me to call. The Bears claw their way on D and have the home crowd behind them while the Cowboys have looked really tough the first two weeks. Look for Romo to finally get thrashed back to Earth and beg to only hold kick attempts, but don't bet too much on it. BEARS 24-17.

Jacksonville at Denver (-3) The Broncos put a less than stellar home effort in last week vs. the Raiders. If it weren't for that rat-like jacknut Shanahan waiting until a FG snap was already underway before calling time out, his team would have lost. I want to know how a guy who has OK'd chop blocking, skirts the injury reports, and pulls dirty tricks like he is a $5 hooker gets away from scrutiny. Could it be the resemblance to Coach K?? BRONCOS 24-19.

Indianapolis at Houston (+6) - On a good day, the Texans could pull off this upset. With Andre Johnson likely out, they don't. Some things aren't much simpler than that. Wish I could quote tendencies and trends to show how the Colts have a 85% chance of winning, but that would just be overkill. COLTS 34-14.

Minnesota at Kansas City (-2.5) - This game has "trap" written all over it for the Vikes. First off, they suck away from Minnesota. Second off, the Chiefs are 0-2 and have their rabid fans in front of them. Logically however, the Vikes D should keep KC in check and Adrian Peterson might tear Herm Edward's team a new hole he can scream into. I'll go with logic until proven otherwise. VIKES 24-17.

Buffalo at New England (-16.5) - The Pats are very good and the Bills aren't that good, but I don't think Brady and Co. will cover. This is a simple exercise in playing the numbers. The Gambino's are teasing us, but divisional matchups rarely exceed this kind of spread. Take the points, leave the cannoli. PATS 24-13 (Bills cover)

Miami at Jets (-3) - Has the Kellen Clemens Era begun?? Does anyone really care? The teams from NY are a combined 0-6. They might b 0-9 come Monday. There hasn't been this much ineptitude in the state since Mayor Dinkins tottered around like a blind, deaf mute. Give one of these teams a cane. Better yet, give them the cane. WHACK! Upset Special. DOLPHINS 10-7

Cleveland at Oakland (-3) - I'm surprised the state of Ohio didn't go dark last Sunday since the Bengals and Browns used all of the power available. It will probably take until next week for them to recharge. For a day, Derek Anderson was king. This week, his power will be Sapped. Yes, I know - I'm reaching for a pun. Crappy teams deserve crappy jokes. RAIDERS 28-21.

Detroit at Philadelphia (-6.5) - The Lions will come back to the rest of the Serengeti. It just is a matter of when. I think their trek starts this week with a heart-wrenching loss to Mr. Akers. I don't know how the Motor City will handle the Tigers choking and then having to watch the Lions sputter at the end. Maybe they can burn the place down and do us all a favor? EAGLES 20-17 (Lions cover)

San Francisco at Pittsburgh (-9) - The Steelers are on a roll. This week, they take on Sourdough. Put your bread on the gold and black, and you will soon be enriched. Alex Smith, welcome to Heinz Field. A word of caution - the dirt does not taste like ketchup. STEELERS 28-10.

San Diego at Green Bay (+4.5) - A home underdog is always tempting to take, but I just can't see the cheeseheads slowing down LT AND scoring against the SD defense. Farve may just throw 4 picks. But I bet the announcers call him gritty while he's doing it. BOLTS 28-13.

Cincinnati at Seattle (-3.5) - This is an incredibly hard game to handicap. The Seahawks are very good at home and take on a team very poor on the road who just gave up over a half-century of points. Plus, the trip out West gives the boys from Ohio a lot of time to get arrested. When it's raining in the Upper Northwest what else is there to do but break the law?? a bad combo for a team of miscreants. SEAHAWKS 38-30.

St. Louis at Tampa Bay (-3.5) - I don't know how to figure out the Bucs. They really don't have a great offense or defense, but they seem to stay in games. But can they win them?? We'll see this week. This goes to the wire where either Bryant or Wilkins decides it with a make or miss. Count on it. BUCS 21-20 (Rams cover)

Giants at Washington (-4) - The Giants couldn't stop a Pee Wee tight end the way they are playing. How the hell can they stop Chris Cooley? They won't. Cooley will look like Kellen Winslow and Jason Campbell will look like Doug Williams. And the Giants will look like shit. REDSKINS 35-27.

Tennessee at New Orleans (-4.5) - The Big Easy might be considered that way among opponents this year. Then again, maybe they just haven't had a wind-swept tragedy to use as a motivational tool. Monday Night will give them a National Stage to shine on. Reggie Bush will be fellated for a 34 yard rushing, 40 yard receiving night and Deuce McAllister will be largely ignored for scoring two TD's. Bush would give Deuce props, but he's off to film another commercial with Peyton Manning right after the game. SAINTS 27-20.

BEST BETS:
BRONCOS
REDSKINS
SAINTS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 9-7
With Spread: 4-11-1
Best Bets: 0-3

YTD:
Straight Up: 20-12 (.625)
With Spread: 14-16-2 (.467)
Best Bets 2-4 (.333) (-$220)

The gaudy numbers from Week 1 were torn down by the absolutely dreadful ones from week 2. For the first time in recent memory, I've gone against the Giants on a Best Bet. I'm hoping for one of 2 things - buying a victory for $100, or recognizing that they are a horrid team and profit from it. I'll take the short term hit, but something tells me that my wallet will be fatter come Monday. But my mood will be shittier, and somebody will suffer - probably you jabroni's who read this sheet. An angry FatMan is not only not jolly, he's a complete prick. For the sake of decency, give the Giants a W this week. And as always:
For the skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan

FatMan Week 2 Picks

2007-09-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

I apologize for no sheet this week, but even without the excellent and witty write-ups, I at least deserve to give the people the winners, losers, and best bets:

WEEK 2:
Houston at Carolina -6.5 - PANTHERS 28-10
Atlanta at Jacksonville -10 - JAGUARS 20-13 (Falcons Cover)
Indianapolis at Tennessee +7 - COLTS 34-21
San Fran at St. Louis -3 - RAMS 38-31
Green Bay at Giants +3.5 - GIANTS 24-21
Buffalo at Pittsburgh -9.5 - STEELERS 20-14 (Bills cover)
Cincinnati at Cleveland +6.5 - BENGALS 38-20
New Orleans at Tampa Bay +3.5 - SAINTS 24-13
Minnesota at Detroit -3 - LIONS 30-17
Dallas at Miami +3.5 - COWBOYS 28-14
Seattle at Arizona +3 - SEAHAWKS 23-13
Jets at Baltimore -10 - RAVENS 16-0
Kansas City at Chicago -12 - BEARS 24-6
Oakland at Denver -10 - BRONCOS 31-17
San Diego at New England -3.5 - PATS 24-17
Washington at Philadelphia -6.5 - EAGLES 17-14 (Skins cover)

BEST BETS:
BRONCOS
RAVENS
PANTHERS

Last Week:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against Spread: 10-5-1
Best Bets: 2-1

I had a fairly good week last week, and the Jags screwed me on the Best Bet, so we're going to go against them covering and rely on the Atlanta rushing attack to carve them up like the Titans did in Week 1. The one game I'm leery about is the Seahawk game. I smell a Cardinal upset, but I know who they are, and I refuse to crown them an upset contender until they show me something. Next week, The FatMan will be back to form after being away from a computer for 7 days. Still shouldn't affect the picks this week, just the humor.

FatMan's Picks - Week 1

2007-09-04T08:32:00.001-04:00

WEEK 1:

Another year and a couple hundred more dollars. Sounds like a plan to me. As you know, the FatMan does not want to brag, and at the end of last year, he had nothing to brag about. STILL - - - over the long haul, since the inception of the sheet, FatMan is pulling an astounding rate of winners down. He has only had 2 losing seasons against the spread in the last 15 years, and over that time has hit ALL games against the spread at a clip over 60%. But where you make the dough is on his Best Bets. Over the past 15 years, FatMan has hit 67% of winners in the Best Bets. But due to a new scientific invention, FatMan has been able to compile stats that shows in the first three weeks of the year, he is hitting at 75%!! Of course that means he is shitting the bed in some other weeks, but we don't like to publicize that. Here is a look at FatMan's scientific compiler:

But hey, all of this back-slapping gets a guy's hand sore, and I want to keep the flesh intact so when I'm high-fiving after winning a bundle this week, I won't feel any pain. Of course, I can down some copious amounts of alcohol to accomplish that, as well.

For those new to the sheet here is the system:
1) Get the sheet. If you are reading this, you have the sheet. Kudos to your investigative and deductive skills.
2) Read the sheet. This may be difficult in parts of Tennessee and West Virginia, but the FatMan can't please everyone.
3) Find a bookie. With the legislation that the Government passed last year, they've actually helped keep the Gambino's in business. So if you can't find a sportsbook that is on some Caribbean island to take your action and don't live near Las Vegas, head to the local deli and ask Pasquale where you can take the first step to getting knees whacked. Of course, since you are following this sheet, no knees will get whacked on my watch. When I'm not looking - - -you are on your own....
4) Collect money every Tuesday from upset man with an Italian horn.

That's it. Follow those steps and by Christmas time, you'll have all the cash needed for gifts, with some left over for the several days of Hannukah, too.

So without further adieu, let's go to the sheet after one random thought - - -

Week 1 Random Thought:

- Is Lou Holtz doing his best impression of Jerry Van Dyke, or was Luther Van Dam created to mock Holtz? Just listen to old Lou rant on the pregame show. You decide:

The Sheet!
New Orleans at Indy (-6) - The main question to answer before this game is: How many minutes will ABC/ESPN waste on entertainment for the game? Which schmuck performers are going to turn Opening Night into a Barnum and Bailey Circus? Newsflash: Football fans like to see football, not Jon Bon Jovi Living on a Prayer in the South Endzone at Giants Stadium. We want to see Reggie Bush juke, not some lame jukebox recording lip-synched by no-talent hacks. We want to see Marvin Harrison jog into the endzone, not a geriatric has-been doing the Chicken Dance to "Start Me Up". They always ask - Are You Ready For Some Football, so why do they make us wait so long and sit through so much crap before seeing it?? Defending Champs at home roll. COLTS 31-23.

Denver at Buffalo (+3) - Home dogs are tough to go against in the early going. The Bills have put a lot of effort into rebuilding their OL, but will the results be there?? Maybe if they taught their players to chop block and take swipes at the DL's knees they would do OK. Can anybody think of a team that uses that philosophy?? Wait a minute. Is somebody calling Coach K's long-lost twin, Shanahan, dirty?? BRONCOS 21-20 (Bills cover)

Kansas City at Houston (-3) - The Texans are favored?? People better either duck because the sky is falling or because pigs are flying. The Italians must really like Schaub to put the line here. Look for Larry Johnson to run over the Texan D like a Mexican cannonball going through the Alamo. The Texans are one of those teams you want to take a wait and see approach...... and then bet in 2010. Chefs cook up the upset, if one can call it that. CHIEFS 24-16.

Tennessee at Jacksonville (-6 1/2) - Will the real Vince Young please step up?? What a way for management to support a fine young player. Let the top rusher leave in the off-season, and let the best possession WR leave in the off-season. More people are getting extracted from Tennessee than rotting bicuspids. And unfortunately, too many drunken yahoos will be hungover from the Volunteer game on Saturday to make the trip south on Sunday. Big advantage - Jaguars. JAGS 28-17.

Atlanta at Minnesota (-3) - The Vikes had a great draft this year, while the Falcons have had a dog of an offseason. Joey Harrington has one last chance, but rumor has it if he fails, he's going to be thrown into a tub of cold water and electrocuted. Or maybe picked up and slammed on the concrete until his neck breaks. Now that would just be Bad Newz. VIKINGS 27-13.

New England at Jets (+6 1/2) - This is a tough one to call. The Jets play the Pats tough, even with a rag-armed QB. They have a Belicheck protege on the sideline and a better than average D. This might be a good spot for an upset, but I never like to bet against Tom Brady. The man dates supermodels and impregnates hot actresses. He is what Tony Romo aspires to be. PATS 17-13 (Jets cover)

Detroit at Oakland (-2) - The Lions are a sexy pick for some this year. Afterall, they have more split ends than a bleach blonde convention. But underneath all that sexiness lies the dark roots of Matt Millen. This guy must have photos of every member of the Lions with some skank. We'll probably figure out the mystery of Amelia Earhart's disappearance before figuring out how this stiff keeps his day job. LIONS 24-13.

Philadelphia at Green Bay (+3) - Another home dog that I don't like to go against. Sure, the Lambeau Mystique has faded as the talent level of the team has dropped, but still - it is not easy to go up to a land of over-stuffed cheese-heads and get a win. Every Wisconsin resident whose name ends in -ski has waited 9 long months and chomped through hundreds of pounds of brats just for this day. And Farve does not want to let every Wojohowski, Wiesnewski, and Stanilawski down. PACKERS 21-17.

Pittsburgh at Cleveland(+4 1/2) - The Brady Quinn Era doesn't begin. Yet. After this week, it might be here before Charlie Frye can whisper Polamalu through a breathing tube. STEELERS 27-17.

Chicago at San Diego(-6) - The best thing about this trip for the Bears is that it will be sunny out. Sunshine might be spread all over the place but Grossman won't be putting on a happy face. However, he might have a Merriman old time. Rex is the number 3 top name for a dog. It fits, too. CHARGERS 34-20.

Tampa Bay at Seattle(-6) - Tampa Bay can't even say it will be sunny in Seattle. If they have any luck, one of their 4 QB's will partake in the Northwest's favorite hobby - suicide. It would make Gruden's life much easier. Bruce Gradkowski would bet on it. SEAHAWKS 27-7.

On second thought, if three off themselves - somebody is a winner!

Carolina at St. Louis(-1) - The Greatest Show on Turf might have lost a few steps, but Steven Jackson has more than enough moves to make up for the rest of his aging compadres. He thinks he can rush for 2,000 yards or more this year. If the bumbling jackass Mike Martz was there, I'd give him a good chance, but Linehan will spread the ball around and get Jackson some receptions too. He won't get 2,000 yards, but he'll get more wins. Hopefully Jackson will buck the trend of today's athlete and not complain. RAMS 28-24.

Miami at Washington (-3) - I don't know what to make of this game. I wouldn't go near it with a 10 foot Pole. Actually, there might only be 10 foot Chinese, but you get my point. Neither team floats my boat, but I'm struggling to see how the Redskins will score. Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas might be Brother-in-law's, but one is going to get pissed when the other is fucking Joe Gibbs. DOLPHINS 20-13.

Giants at Cowboys (-5 1/2) - America's Most Overhyped Team is on Sunday Night. Tony Romo was the glamour boy last year until he handled a slick ball like he was a gay virgin. Still, ESPN couldn't get enough of him. Get ready for them to call it a fluke when Big Blue travels to the shittiest stadium in the league and delivers a beating. Have you ever seen Texas Stadium from the outside? Blech. GIANTS 24-21.

Baltimore at Cincinnati (-2 1/2) - This might be one of the most entertaining games of the week. Two teams filled with thugs headed up by two arrogant jackasses bashing in each others heads. Sounds like a win-win for all involved. Except for Kyle Boller who loses no matter what he does. Look for Ocho Cinco to go Tone Loco and get a TD late in the game to seal a tough win. BENGALS 20-14.

Arizona at San Francisco (-3) - These teams must feel like they get no love. First, they were banished to Mexico a couple of years ago in a game only the players parents watched, and now they start at 10PM opening night in a game only the West Coast will be awake for. Raider fans will either be too drunk or in jail to tune in, and half of SF will be sipping on wine and feeling each others stubble to care. The Upper Northwest will be making nooses, and after this game comes on, look for them to get tightened. I hope this experiment ends this year. NINERS 30-20.

BEST BETS:
RAMS
VIKINGS
SEAHAWKS

There you have it, the first week of the FatMan's Road to Cash Accumulation. You can either hop on the train or be left in the middle of the tracks, like a bum stumbling to his untimely demise next to an empty bottle of Wild Irish Rose.

Don't be that guy. Be you own man. A rich man. And let's face it, some people will take the time to follow smarmy fuckers like Tony Robbins or a guy with a fake British accent and a bow tie. With me, you get to follow a guy who talks sports, culture, and will throw in the occasional Norv Turner acne insult. So you can either look like a person who had his face bashed with a flaming bag of nickels, or you can make coin, and lots of it. Chew on that for awhile. Speaking of chewing - -
When you want the skinny on picking - Turn to The FatMan!

God Bless the Queen, but not ESPN!!

2007-08-28T11:21:00.000-04:00

There was a lot of Korn - - heiser in my shit last night...
I'll tell you what - if I was a Falcons fan last night, I'd have been livid that instead of seeing what my team was doing to prepare for the season, I was bombarded with sideline interviews, Atlanta columnist interviews, and random Tony Kornheiser rants in place of the game. We must have missed 7-10 plays to watch utter crap. I think Joey Harrington played well, but I'm not sure. Just another sign that ESPN is falling into the "Entertainment and Shit Programming Network" mode. They have smarmy reporters covering beat-to-death subjects instead of just showing the game. I'm surprised they didn't cut away from the "Two minute Drill" to interview Denny McClain and ask him questions for 120 seconds.

Now that I've ranted, I can now get to a unique Random Thoughts section with some random British thoughts thrown in. As you know, the FatMan sheet will be making its 2007 debut in a couple of weeks, and long-time British correspondent, Lansdowne, will be making a guest appearance. Since the FatMan likes to keep up relationships, he visited Lansdowne and had some unique perspectives on the country lacking in cuisine and dental care. However, in order to retain his sardonic services, I only was allowed to comment on a couple of things. Everyone say hello to Lansdowne:

- "Popularity Breeds Contempt". Sounds like a catchy anthem starter. Maybe I'll become a gay man, paint my face, wear dresses and start a band. Oh, that's already been done? Bollocks!

- I tried cooking with truffles for the first time last week. Unfortunately, the chocolate didn't go so well with the spinach, garlic and risotto.

- Just for the Brits in the crowd - I found Nirvana after Continental lost my baggage last week. I stopped at a Tesco Extra and not only got new dress shirts, shoes, ties, socks, a belt, and a fine pair of trousers, I got a pork pie, some cider, toiletries, Walker's Crisps and some picalilli for under 60 pounds!!!

- Speaking of pounds, what's the difference between them and quid? Maybe the Brits are just being cheeky fobs for using the two terms to mean the same thing.

- Are they pulling the same shit with the terms loft and flat?

- I was Wandering around Coventry, and a gentlemen approached and asked, "Are you sure you aren't from Bolton, lad?"

- I was told that I won the Irish Lottery, but it turned out to just be small potatoes.

- I wonder if Sir Paul McCartney will ever come clean about how many takes it took him to stop laughing and actually sing "The Girl is Mine" with Michael Jackson.

- I read an article recently that said Vanilla is the most expensive spice. Apparently the egghead conducting it has obviously not spent time with Posh.

- I skipped the last fandango. I did cartwheels across the floor. I was feeling kind of seasick, but there was no crowd around to call out for more, so I stayed a normal shade of pale.

Non-British Random Thoughts:

- Maybe it is just me, but I don't see any point in wearing a cardigan if you don't take the time to do at least one Carlton Dance that day.

- I dropped a dime in the jukebox last night and it told me I needed to deposit $1.90 more.

- While still in the US, I watched these two young boys stroll into a store. They were followed shortly by their Mom who said, "Crawford and Rawlings - stay with me!!" Crawford and Rawlings?? What the holy fuck kind of names are those?? I'd say either let the kids wait until they get to butler school before being saddled with such monikers, or just name them Sue and Lisa and let them get their asses kicked straight away.

- I know that airline seats recline, so why do I get offended when the guy in front of me ends up in my lap?

- I got food poisoning the other day after my Eggs Benedict turned.....

- Why do people constantly wonder if Elvis is still alive?? He had about as good a chance of walking the Earth today as I have of hitting the Powerball jackpot.

- How many more seasons before Screech ends up on "Dancing with the Stars"?

- Everyone curses Adam and Eve for eating an apple, but if you were naked, hungry, and stripped the fig tree bare to cover your privates, wouldn't you bite into a juicy, plump fruit?? It isn't like they had oxen and plough horses around....

- Speaking of which, there have been so many rigid interpretations of the Bible that how come there aren't several sects who denounce apples as being evil and inedible? I mean, apparently we will be stricken dead or sent to hell for masturbation or being gay, but if you do something that already was punished harshly, ahh - that's AOK. Looks like hypocrisy didn't fall far from the tree....

- This just in - Fergie is still a troll-faced meth head.

- You can put water on a coffee table, but can you put coffee on a water table?

- I remember one time in China, they put a mystery dish in front of me. My gracious host explained that it was some sort of meat but did not know the English name for it. When I asked him what it tasted like, he thought for a moment and said..... "A little like donkey." Cleared everything right up. All I know is that donkey must be tasty.

- You know, maybe I've been unduly harsh on the airlines for hiring the ugliest people they can find these days. Now that I'm thinking about it, perhaps they want to discourage membership in the Mile High Club from growing????

- If a Washington Wizard does a tomahawk, do we have to call it something less violent??

And on that non-PC logo, I have to shoot off. Ta Ta for now.....

Ramble On!!!

2007-08-17T10:16:00.000-04:00

As a kid, I used to think an essential road tune or excellent summer party song was "Ramble On". Now, it just sounds dated and like I'm almost listening to Benny Goodman in terms of present-day appeal. But as Summer winds down, that can only mean one thing - - THE START OF FOOTBALL!!!

In Giants camp news, there's only one thing to report: The team supposedly sucks. Every major publication has them finishing last in the division, even behind the lowly Redskins. Reading write-up after write-up, you'd think Eli Manning has had a Ryan Leaf-like career so far. I have no clue what these fuckers are watching. Just to give you the absurdity of the National Media, look at this recent article by two clueless fuckwads: LINK

Here is one excerpt on players that should be removed from the Hall of Fame:
"Harry Carson, New York Giants linebacker: Why is it every time we see highlights of Harry Carson he’s dumping a cooler of Gatorade on unsuspecting Bill Parcells? Maybe because Lawrence Taylor was making all the big plays? Before Carson got enshrined, he wanted to take his name off the ballot because he didn’t agree with the selection process. The Hall of Fame committee should have listened to him."

I have a couple of questions:
1) Who really wants to remove people from the Hall of Fame and diminish their achievements?
2) Who actually gives these douches a platform to write from?
Just more jackassery from a Media who is less and less competent at covering the subjects they are paid to cover.

I hope the Giants stick a big middle finger up to these smarmy fucks.

I'm just going to pop a blood vessel if I keep listing this kind of shit, so let's move on to:

Random Thoughts!
- I wonder in a past life if people were conditioned to mash buttons repeatedly in return for gold or morphine. That's about the only explanation I can come up with at why people standing at a crosswalk continually press the "walk" button until the light changes.

- Before fantasy football, what possible motivation was there to watch a Lions or Cardinals game?

- Maybe it's just me, but funny cars don't amuse me.

- I think even if I went into an In N Out burger and saw a rat crapping on my sandwich while it was being made, I'd still eat it.

- Speaking of In N Out, I'm a firm believer that any place that has 10 items or less on the menu is successful because they cook those 10 items to perfection.

- I tried to answer the age old question of how many people it takes to fill a phone booth, but myself and the 40 volunteers I rounded up couldn't find one around.

- I saw "The Jerk" when I was 11 and I laughed along with everyone else at the blow job joke, just because I wanted to fit in. Now if you told a joke like that to a room full of 10 year olds, they not only would laugh, they'd do it tongue-in-cheek, pulsating to and fro.

- Speaking of which, even in my advanced age, I don't know why it is called a blow job instead of a suck job...

- I wonder how old the last surviving man named Orville is?

- What I love most about the NFL preseason is that some guy will stink it up in practices when few fans are watching, then make one good play in a preseason game, and then by October the fans are screaming that he got cut, all the while he is serving me my next Double Double.

- John Daly tried to claim spousal abuse a few months ago, but all he was doing was reinforcing the fact that he can be a scratch golfer.

- Here's the conundrum with plastic surgery. People do it to stop the aging process and appear to be younger to grab the attention of others, but when inevitably a lumpy, middle age guy takes notice, the people getting gawked at get skeeved out.

- I took Song Airlines the other day. The entertainment system was out of order.

- Speaking of airlines, if you fly Virgin, what are you considered afterwards?

- I wonder how long it will be before Mrs. Beasley makes a comeback?

I guarantee it will before Buffy does.....

- Aquafina/Pepsi had to recently concede that their water is just filtered tap water. Great. I guess I should start selling my Brita-ized fluid for $1.25 a pop?

- I wonder when Barry Bonds dies of liver failure if Bud Selig and Hank Aaron will attend the funeral?

- I played poker at a nudist resort the other day and the lucky bitch sitting to my right kept flopping a pair every hand.

- We are such a reactive yet lazy society that if I showed a before and after picture of myself losing 250 pounds and said I did it by eating cooked feces, there would no doubt be thousands of people with shit-eating grins across the country by week's end.

And on that note - Sayonara!!

Holy Cow! That Huckleberry!!

2007-08-14T15:11:00.001-04:00

RIP Phil "Scooter" Rizzuto

Anyone who is a Yankee fan and over the age of 30 has some memory of summer nights listening to Yankee baseball. Inevitably, those memories center around Phil Rizzuto. One of my favorite broadcasters, and one heck of a genuine guy passed today just shy of the ripe, old age of 90. With a style that melded Yogi Berra-isms in with Italian folklore and a respect for the game of baseball and the Yankee organization, Scooter made many a game more enjoyable.

For some, no doubt Yankee haters, he'll be remembered as just another homer announcer, but to me, he'll be known as the voice of summer evenings, the memories of watching Yankee games with my Grandmother, the sounds of an excited little pisano who would go nuts over a deep, deep pop-up to SS and make it seem as if a HR was imminent. He'd give a callout to Guytano Sharapelli in Naples, Florida on Monday nights. He would chat up the antics of Reggie Jackson while Bill White would give a solid call of the on-field happenings. But above all, Scooter related to me because I pictured the man as the same as what he appeared to be. And by all accounts he was. Men can take pride in a lot of things, but those who can take pride in being themselves have a leg up on the rest.

May Scooter get to the Pearly Gates and say, "Holy Cow, Messer, did you see that throw by Munson to end the last inning? What a cannon that kid has. Now, Munson leads off against Dan Quisenberry. It's a deep drive to left. It's outta here. A solo shot for the Yankee Captain. Hey Thurman Munson, this Bud's for you!!"

Scooter. This Bud's for you:

The Annual FatMan's Preseason Preview!!!

2007-07-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

2007 Season Preview!!
So, like usual I crapped the bed in my picks for the Super Bowl last year, thinking that the Giants would outjoust the Pats, but overall, the excellent predictions of who would make the playoffs continued. The FatMan correctly nailed 8 out of the 12 postseason teams, getting 4 out of the 6 in each conference. Not too shabby. He really missed the mark on New Orleans by having them picked as a last place team, but such are the pitfalls when you start doing this shit before training camps have even really started.

This year, the FatMan looks to have an even better performance. And maybe, just maybe, he'll finally nail the SB participants. Can the Colts repeat? Are the Bears a flash in the pan? Is this finally the Lions year? Is Ken Whisenhunt really just Bill Cowher coming back in a Delorean with a unique flux capacitor from 10 years ago??

Don't rack your brain thinking about these things - let the FatMan do it for you. So, take a relaxing swim in the Indian Ocean, or take a wonderous look at the ocean receding a mile in Thailand. And don't think about sharks or tsunamis. Think about the idyllic place that you're at and how that trip to Vegas to bet on the FatMan's picks is going to make you set for life, or will at least pay for the medical bills for your foolishness in wading in the Ganges river, exposing yourself to filth. Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling.

Let's go to the bottom line:
AFC East
New England 13-3
Jets 9-7
Buffalo 7-9
Miami 5-11
AFC North
Baltimore 10-6
X - Pittsburgh 10-6
Cincinnati 9-7
Cleveland 6-10
AFC South
Indianapolis 12-4
Tennessee 8-8
Jacksonville 7-9
Houston 6-10
AFC West
S.D. 12-4
X - Denver 10-6
K.C. 9-7
Oakland 4-12

NFC East
Giants 11-5
X - Dallas 10-6
Philly 9-7
Washington 5-11
NFC North
Chicago 11-5
Minnesota 9-7
Detroit 6-10
Green Bay 4-12
NFC South
New Orleans 11-5
X - Carolina 10-6
Atlanta 6-10
T.B. 3-13
NFC West
St. Louis 11-5
Seattle 9-7
Arizona 8-8
S.F. 6-10

AFC Champion - New England
NFC Champion - New Orleans
SB Champ - Pats
Coach of the Year - Sean Payton
Offensive MVP - Peyton Manning
Defensive MVP - Richard Seymour

Four Teams Who Could Surprise -
Houston- For the Texans to surprise, all they need is 6-7 wins, which still might be a tall order for this group. At least they got the Atlanta QB who doesn't string up dogs, wet them, and then shock them to all fucking hell, but that will be a minor point when Schaub starts tasting dirt just like the disposed puppies are. Behind an OL that hopes to improve to having only as many holes as Swiss Cheese, winning consistently will be a problem. So instead of contending, this team will be asking once again, "How come the Panthers and Jags got all the breaks as expansion teams and we were dealt the shit?"

Buffalo - Look, nobody expects anything out of this group - and why should they. The OL is horrid, the QB situation has been in flux since they canned Flutie for a surfer dude. And ironically, they now have a new surfer dude at the helm. I guess maybe the braintrust thinks that if they bring in enough guys who dream about Hawaii, they won't think about the cold. Unfortunately, they also don't seem to think about playing football, either. The one thing the entire fan base looks forward to every year, outside of having Ralph Wilson choke on a Metamucil bar, is having a solid D. They will once again, and getting punished in the cold of December won't be fun for many teams visiting the Northern wasteland. But I want this team to show grit. Because I'd rather see a gritty team play in the cold, then have them ship off to LA in a few years and become a bunch of pansies with botox injections and no heart. And that's probably what will happen when Ralph Wilson gets an extra stringy fiber bar.

Detroit - If titles were given for being the worst run team in the league with an inept jackass for a GM, the Lions would be a dynasty. Instead, they are a team with a lot of talent stacked at a couple of positions, who are managed by a guy who got a Correspondence Degree from a University in the Dominican Republic from the looks of it. 2007 marked what seemed like the 20th straight year that the team drafted a WR highly. Calvin Johnson APPEARS to be the best selection thus far, but one has to wonder if trading down and actually drafting players on the other side of the ball, where theoretically 50% of the time is spent would have been better. At least with Jon Kitna, they have a guy who is tough as nails. He also has a resume as impressive as Kerwin Bell's. In other words, undistinguishable and unremarkable. Even with a bumbling idiot running things, the Lions might claw their way to heights simply because their division sucks more cased meat than Kobiashyi.

Atlanta - Look - after the recent fiasco of Vick and his merry band of relatives electrocuting what could have been very hearty meals for the Vietnamese, nobody expects much of the Falcons. But you know what, perhaps they will be better off without a guy who fumbles like he is preserving it as an art form, without a guy who overthrows receivers like he's auditioning to be a 3rd-world dictator, and without a guy who ad-libs more plays than Robin Williams. Now, it would be a much more probable feeling that they will surprise if they had somebody under center besides the perpetually clueless Joey Harrington, but we can't all be seers and know that the starter is going to take Fluffy and bash her head into the pavement until Alpo shoots out. The jury will be out on this call because the defense won't get a chance to rest.

Four Teams Who May Disappoint -
Washington - Alright, give it up to the Washington Redskins - the NFL Paper Champions in July for the 12th straight year. In that time, these paper champs have made the playoffs once, or so it seems. In all honesty, this selection is a bit of a cop-out. Nobody really expects much from the Redskins except for the usual Napolean-like outbursts from their midget owner. I'd almost put even money on Joe Gibbs keeling over before the Skins actually break .500. And now, they've put their hopes in Jason Campbell. It's always good to see bad high draft picks turning into bad starters, especially when they get to face the Giants two times a year.

Kansas City - Just having Herm Edwards at the helm automatically puts you at risk to disappoint. The guy might be a motivator, but you might as well put Ron Popeil in charge of a team if that were the criteria. Sooner or later, you actually have to draw up X's and O's and execute them. When Herm does, it migt just be to play Tic-Tac-Toe. Larry Johnson is unhappy and the OL keeps losing their pieces. That isn't a great sign for a power rushing offense. If the Raiders weren't in the West, things could be much more dire, even with the two easy wins there, it will be a chore to make the postseason this year.

Cincinnati - Whenever you have to schedule practice around free time at the jails in the Metro Cincy area, you have issues. Like the Redskins, each year people flock to Cincy in the preseason to worship Marvin Lewis and Carson Palmer. And each year, come December, the Winter blues start showing up and masses of disappointed Bengals maraud the streets, endangering Cincinnati youths, and assaulting the fine working women. We attempted to contact Chris henry for contact, but his ankle bracelet wouldn't allow him to come to our office. I wonder if it will keep him out of the end zone as well?

Miami - The other rite of Fall, other than proclaiming the Redskins champions and to watch the Bengals commit heinous crimes, is to watch the Dolphins horribly miss expectations. Remember how Dante Culpepper was going to be hoisting the Lombardi Trophy? The only thing he hoisted was his crutch in anger as he was sent packing. Chris Chambers was arrested in Charlotte for DUI, and he is one of the few bright spots on the team. Randy McMichael was too busy slapping his girlfriend to respond to our interview request, and Nick Saban was seen staring longingly in the direction of Baton Rouge via Tuscaloosa. When you bail to go back to an old college rival, you know things are at rock bottom. The season could turn as bleak as the outlook of seeing Wayne Huizinga with a full head of hair. Come to think of it - even a partial head of hair.

So there you have it. If you want to make green, the first step is to not touch anywhere Trent Green is going. The next step is to follow the picks above. And remember, it's just mere days before the endless stream of jackasses starts cock-jousting over who has a better fantasy team. If I hear another shit-for-brains utter "Hey pal, rate my draft.", I'm going to put my foot so far up his ass that he'll be shitting the bed worse than Tony Graziani for weeks. I've never really understood why people do this. What if your team sucks, are you going to request a re-do?? Or is it just better than unzipping the fly so we can all see a 2-inch pecker?? Some things are better left unsaid.

Just Remember:
When You Want the Skinny on Picking, Turn to The FatMan!

I Can Name That Tune in 4 Notes: NAME THAT TUNE!!

2007-07-18T09:31:00.000-04:00

Holy Crap! Two shows about singing lyrics on network TV right now?? What the holy fuck!! The Singing Bee hosted by Joey Fatone has been picked up by NBC for the fall schedule. What in the Mother of God is going on with television? Are we reduced to having bad karaoke as a Prime Time staple? Who is going to be a guest judge, the member of Milli Vanilli who didn't off himself? Can somebody please get the monkey off of the back of BAD game shows??

At least in the old days, the cheese factor was well known. Now they are throwing all sorts of money at people who would get beer tossed on them at the local watering hole for sounding like screeching imbeciles.
NAME THAT TUNE!!

Random Thoughts:
- At what point in time did Break-in's start becoming known as home invasions? Was there really outcry over the term break-in?? Or is it just an attempt to prepare ourselves for alien occupation in the future?

- I could really go for a nice portion of burnt ends drizzled with sauce and served on white bread right about now.

- I have to tell you, a lot of people are disappointed in PacMan Jones these days, but me - I'm disappointed in his posse. Does this guy have the laziest posse in the world or what?? Look at their missteps:
1) Posse member shoots a nightclub bouncer to follow up on a Pacman threat but is too lazy to cap the guy well enough to kill him.
2) Posse member fails to step in for Pacman in a shouting match that starts at an Atlanta club at 3AM. Where was the designated trash talker?
3) Posse member fails to restrain the greedy ho who went charging after a raining of cash, resulting in Pacman having to take matters into his own hands by bashing the ho's skull.
4) Posse member fails to go to the local DMV so that the inconspicuous Lamborghini Mr. Jones tools around town in, isn't pulled over for a variety of offenses.
What does it take to get a competent posse anymore??

- We really are a culture of elitist English snobs. Over the years, we've had no problem taking Nippon and making it "Americanized" to Japan. Or changing Firenze to Florence. Or Torino to Turin, but then back to Torino to promote the Winter Olympics (hey, even snobbery has its price). But yet we seem to have an odd fascination with using the squiggly "enye" sound - a tilde - in certain spanish words or the little accent above letters like in the word acai'. I guess we just are good at doing whatever we see fit. Of course, we are too lazy to use the mutated German B that represents the "strasse" sound. Whatever's easiest. Aiight?

- Speaking of Americans, it says something that the line at Burger King was 5 times longer than the one at Jamba Juice the other day - and that something is that we are a bunch of fat, fucking slobs.

- They say men are dogs which seems appropriate given that we call women felines, cougars or sex kittens, and that their most prized attribute is a pussy. And doing it doggie-style means turning the ugly bitch the other way so as not to get sick at the sight of her face. No point here - I just thought I'd perpetuate the stereotype.....

- Speaking of dogs. When your cuddly pit bull just lost a fight, I don't know about you people, but I really want to dunk that little furry thing in water to drench him good and then shock the living shit out of him. But that's how I roll.

- I think the Spin Doctors had so much torque, they twirled right off the face of the Earth.

- My theory, unscientific as it may be, is that fat chicks wear thongs and let you see the band hanging up on one of their fleshy rolls, because spying that little band of fabric is the only way you'll look in the vicinity of their asses. Same goes for the people who wear bikinis but should only be on the beach if and only if a storm washes them to land.

- It always amazes me that villians in movies have perfect aim when delivering a headshot to somebody early on, but then they look like Mr. Magoo trying to fire a gun for the first time when encountering the hero.

- Do really smart people collect marbles?

- Peeps - watch the theaters for a movie called "The Elmira Express" over the next several months. It is a story about the most famous Elmiran this century - Ernie Davis.

Since there is no way to top the classiness of the guy hoisting the Heisman above me - I'm out for this week.

July?? No - I Tell The Truth

2007-07-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Random Thoughts Swimming Through Gray Matter:
- I'm betting that Congress will relax the Internet Gambling Restriction soon. Wait a minute - can I do that without getting hauled off by Bill Frist for placing a wager???

Hypocritical douchebag

- I asked my kids if they wanted to play travel bingo the other day in the car and they told me that we didn't have that DVD.

- Speaking of traveling, everytime I ponder whether or not to stop at a rest area, my ass violently jerks the wheel to a more safe destination.

- You know, I've been hearing a rumor that Tommy Morrison has breast implants.

I would think the last thing an HIV+ guy needs is to catch the eye of Tommy Lee.

- I went to a comedy show in Vegas and the guy was such a hack he was stealing jokes from Carlos Mencia.

- Speaking of Vegas performers, who do you think has a bigger cock, Celine Dion or her husband Rene?

- You know what ads bug me? The ones in the USA Today and some magazines that feature "freshly minted" coins and dollars for free (provided you pay a $88 "release fee" to get them out of the vault). These cheesy ads show photos of armed guards "protecting" the cash, when in reality, they are rent-a-cops patrolling over a ruse. They do that "great" marketing ploy - All customers with the last names starting with A-L can get scammed today. Those with last names of M-Z have to wait until tomorrow to get the wool pulled over their eyes. I hate scam artists, which means I also hate the entire nation of Nigeria.

- If I was a better best ball player, what is the worst I could score??

- I wonder how many 12, 14, 1nd 16 wheel configurations crashed and burned before 18 was deemed to be the correct number of tires needed to haul monstrous trucks?

- I went shopping for a motorcycle with my best friend and his wife. I ended up getting a 3-wheeler.

- Is blue toilet water more sanitary than clear??

- Joe Camel and the Stay-Puf Marshmallow Man were duking it out in the Most Irrelevant Mascot contest when Little Black Sambo ran through, stole the prize and disappeared....

- I'm wondering what Dennis DeYoung and John Oates tell people when an 80's photo of them pops up. "Ahh, I was just having a bad hair decade".

By the way, is there any doubt that Hall and Oates played "Hide the Sausage in the Dirty Alley" every freaking night?

- I'm guessing that if Rosie O'Donnell takes over the Price is Right that the Klondike climber is going to be history.

- Why do they call them "Search Parties"?? What can possibly be fun about finding a decomposing corpse?

- A judge in Charlotte threw out a case where a kid was apprehended by the police moments after an officer heard gunshots coming from his direction with no one else in sight. This lone person ran when the officer approached, was found with a gun on him, and the gun had signs that it was recently fired. The judge ruled that the officers had no reasonable suspicion to search the suspect for a gun.

And people wonder why repeat offenders stroll the street without issues.

That, folks, puts me over the edge. I must go now......

Random Thoughts Before Vacation

2007-06-28T12:01:00.000-04:00

I figured I'd give an entry before I head up to NY for the 4th of July, my High School reunion, and a few days on the Finger Lakes, so let's rid my mind of some clutter that has been building. My first question is whether I'm going to be on the middle finger of the lakes??

Good. Looks like it isn't. But where the fuck is the thumb and why does one finger look like an Antonio Alfonseca 6th addition?

Random Thoughts:
- You would think a basic measure of courtesy would be corrected in our youth, but apparently not. Count the days you observe at least one person cutting in front of somebody in line or cutting through landscaping to shave a few seconds off of their travels and I bet they outnumber the days you don't see that happen. I might have hated when Mrs. Notorfonso would come out and shoo us off her lawn or her bushes, but it taught me something a lot of people apparently missed.

- Speaking of etiquette, the next time some douche is talking into his Bluetooth in line and won't get off the fucking phone while getting checked out, I'd love to pop the thing right off his ear through the blunt force of my foot hitting his rectum.

- I don't believe in corporations purposely trying to stick it to you, but ever since my Silver status on US Airways expired at the beginning of this year, they've been royally fucking me. I'm going to regain silver status for next year, but in the meantime the last 5 flights I've taken they've reneged my seat assignment so I have to wait until the entire plane is boarded before getting on. Just another reason to fly Delta - and that is saying something....

- On the topic of airlines greasing up their fists and putting it at the anal cavity opening, some of them may start charging for each bag of luggage you want to check. So, my first question is how much they'll take off the price if I only carry-on??

- Speaking of flying, I firmly believe if you can take a dump in an airplane you have the agility and lack of hygeine awareness to take a shit anywhere.

- That also has me thinking - with as adamant as stewardess and gay stewards can be about people keeping their seat belts buckled, you'd think there would actually be a safety purpose served by wearing one.

- What is with the Red Sox's over the past five years trying to look like the Amish?? Something tells me that they do it to avoid taking baths to be "authentic".

- What is with the recent advertisements by fast food restaurants and ice cream joints talking about "Hand scooped" or "Hand spun" milkshakes??? How else is the ice cream going to get into the cup? Talk about really getting the advertising dollars of the serially gullible.

- One social phenomenon I really have never understood is the process of "quoting". We see people quoting others in speeches to add authenticity to their points and you have people who quote the Bible or Scripture to tell you what is right vs. wrong. But the problem is, people often quote without explaining it. Perhaps a guy will come up and praise or admonish somebody with a "just look to Matthew 3: 3-5", but what in the holy fuck does that mean?? It would be akin to me seeing somebody getting burned and I go, "HEEYYYYY!!! It's all ball bearings"

- Speaking of quoting, if somebody quotes the Corinthians they lose me altogether. I'm too busy thinking of leather products instead of listening to the gibberish they're spewing. Same goes for the Thessalonians. It makes me wonder where the fuck Thessalonia was.

- Call me odd, but I've never technically gotten a dinner at Applebee's, Bennigan's, Chili's, O'Charley's, and all of those other chain joints - I always get an appetizer or a sandwich and drinks. Why pay $15 for a mediocre slab of ribs or overcooked chicken slathered in sauce when I can pay half that and get a decent nibbler everywhere but Applebee's.

- You know who I feel bad for? People with fat ankles. I mean, if you have a fat gut or thighs, you can exercise it off, but ankles?? What do you tell them? "Hey Fatty McSneaker, just jog it off"?

- I already see it coming in 2009 - - - THE OINGO BOINGO REUNION TOUR!!!

- I'm telling you, if fatback sales are ever going to pick up, they need to get the guy who developed the Dried Plums name to come on board. "Coming soon to stores near you - - Premium Marbled Pork!!"

And with that to chew on, I'm off for a couple weeks.

Take care, my peeps......

Weird Shit in the Carolinas and Random Thoughts

2007-06-21T10:10:00.000-04:00

You think to yourself that being in the 21st century that life in America is rather civilized, no?? Well, two stories this week in the Carolinas make you sit up and go Hmmmmm. Probably appropriate that it references back to a song from the 20th century.......

The first is the tale of a seafood restaurant in the shady town of China Grove. While you are trying to control yourself from belting out, "Whoooooooa, Listen to the music...", please do so for a minute and help us try to reconcile how a seafood restaurant has an e coli breakout and it may be traced to a slaughter of a goat?? In the article linked HERE!!! you will see that a group of workers brought a goat into the restaurant after hours, hacked it up into pieces, and apparently let some intestinal juices tainted with e coli seep out onto prep surfaces. Now, my taste for cabrito may be forever tainted. Those crazy migrant workers!!!

The next story is a bit more whimsical, if in a macabre way. Two people playing hide the sausage on the roof ended up falling off the structure, smashing the sausage as well as vital internal organ meat. We can examine all sorts of jokes about this one from their failure to reach the Mile-high Club, to the climatic Earth-shaking orgasm, but one thing is true, they came down from above. I only live in the state and report it - I don't make it up, as you can see in THIS LINK!! Now I expect to hear my faithful readers come up with some good jokes on their own to comment on......

Enough Stupidity - On With Random Thoughts!!!
- Did you know that Diet Coke has less acidity than water? I don't think dietary experts do either. After all, when is the last time one warned that drinking water will eat away your enamel??

- This past season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" left me ecstatic....... I mean it left me pleased.

- Anyone still hanker for the nice chalky, orange taste of a St. Joseph Baby Aspirin?? I almost wanted to be sick as a kid.

- I used to think Luther Vandross had a stroke of genius. Now it just sounds callous.

- I often think that if Vince Lombardi were still alive that he'd have been fired 3 times before retiring and would be best known for being over 100 years old.

To test the theory above, ask how many people if Bum Phillips is still alive. How about Chuck Knox??

- Washington Redskin rookie LaRon Landry took a paintball shot to the twigs and berries which left him unable to participate in a few recent workouts. I have to think that after Joe Gibbs heard that one he flipped through his notebook, smiled and said, "Well, Son. There's one I hadn't heard before." And as he granted the excuse for participation, he jotted down "shot in the nads" in red ink on page 356.

- When I was a young pugilist, I asked my girlfriend at the time - "Boxers or Briefs?"

Shortly thereafter, she left me for a lawyer.

- I had a knock on my door last week and looked up to see two missionaries standing there. Although I didn't say it, I thought they looked like they were in an odd position.

- I think I could take a camera and film dirt drying out and I'd have more talent than some of the hacks on "On the Lot".

- I used to think the biggest drawback of having kids was going to be the loss of freedom. When I'm shackled to the couch watching "Do You Think You Can Dance" with my daughter, I realize that I was right. Then I go and change my pad.

Later!!!

Thursday is Past the Hump, So Let's Discuss!

2007-06-14T15:39:00.000-04:00

Random Musings and Careless Whispers:

- Is it just me or do other people get grossed out at the commercials that show the Monster Hardee sandwiches dripping with condiments? I can't speak for the rest of you, but I very rarely crave something that is going to leak, cause a mess, or smear mayo, mustard, or ketchup all over my mitts, unless it is a good cheese steak, and that ain't happening at Hardee's.

Next thing you know, they'll have somebody talking about how great it is to eat the cheese off of the wrapper. Hey wait.......

- I give a Gold Star (no pun intended) to the makers of Goldschlager. Whomever can get a bunch of mindless twits to down flecks of a precious metal AND get them to pass out while doing it deserves some kind of recognition.

- I used to think mopeds were cool - - - - - when I was 13.

- I tell myself that I won't watch shows like 24, Lost, Heroes or JAG because I don't want to invest the time in another drama (maybe that isn't the reason for JAG, but we'll pretend it is), but yet I'll spend hours surfing the internet and wasting time on this blog. To make up for this obvious and abhorrent lapse in judgement, I'll watch shows like Love Monkey knowing they'll get cancelled before my Pop Secret Extra Butter popcorn has finished cooking in the microwave.

- Since I normally only bitch about things, how about a little praise for once? The management at Enterprise Rent-A-Car have done an excellent job at rebranding their customer service and they seem to have a corporate mantra to greet every customer with a handshake and cheeriness. Now, when it happens at Cici's Pizza or Blockbuster, I want to flatten the smarmy fuckers with the back of my hand but somehow, someway, Enterprise does it without me reaching for the can of Whoop Ass in my back pocket. Kudos to the place I'll rent my vehicles from here on out - or until they fuck me royally.

- I'll admit it - I don't get anime. From the storylines to why the characters all have round eyes, it's all a mystery to me.

- I know AJ Soprano was just a character, but I can see wanting to anally prod Robert Iler with an electric probe to snap the sleepy fuck to attention.

- Speaking of which, did anyone find it ironically disturbing that Bobby Bacala never actually slept with the fishes but rather bled out on a train set?

- Since we're on The Sopranos, let's not stop there. I'd like to take all the clueless schmucks out there and rap them upside the head like Dr. D. David Schultz working over John Stossel when the topic about the series ender comes up. It is almost like Hollywood has trained us to need nice, tied-up endings or else we go on spastic overload. Tony Soprano wasn't whacked! How the fuck can Chase do that to us?? Well, looking at the entire series, it really isn't all that surprising. First off, the show has always delved into the mundane lifestyle of Tony. Furthermore, once Phil was whacked, who had an axe to grind and kill Tony? I'd like to say the Soprano's is one of life's IQ tests, but I think those who get it already know where they stand among the knuckle-draggers.

Newsflash - this guy is dead. He wasn't going to whack Tony, and Butchie made peace. Follow the action there people....... And give Journey some props.

- Jackson Browne rocks. Not as hard as a left cross to Darryl Hannah's cheek, but he rocks in a classic way. Who can flip to an easy listening station and not picture Jennifer Jason-Leigh getting banged in a dugout when they hear "Somebody's Baby" playing? Only the clueless.

-Speaking of aging musicians, if I don't see the beauty of Annie Lenox, does it make me blind or just somebody scarred by Susan Powter and the whole "Stop the Insanity" infomercials of yore?

- I see Tyler Florence has starting producing designer recipes for Applebee's. Unless he is also concurrently developing a program that will raise the culinary skills of the "chefs" preparing his stuff, he better be ready to see his cuisine turn to tasteless crap.

Ask the people around you to raise their hands if they've ever had a good meal at that joint. My guess is the response will look the same as if you are talking to a group of paralegics.

And with that, I hope you will give me a hand. I'll donate it.

OUT!!

Random Thoughts to Drink On - 6/8

2007-06-08T14:21:00.000-04:00

Well it's Friday Night and the feeling's right. Oh yes it's Friday Night Oh what a night!!! Have a beer or a gay wine cooler and plop yourself down to enjoy the latest randomness produced by the gray matter in my medulla.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
- To all the gamblers out there - When you tell your wife (or life partner) that you are gambling with "house money" be forewarned that it may mean different things to each of you. One goal I try to have is to avoid stern lectures. This simple miscommunication may make that goal get broken.

- Why is it that neat people freak out in the presence of a mess, but that messy people don't freak out when they are in a pristine room?

Holy shit!! Bring me some valium!

- You want to see a Bible Freak flip out, or at least look as confused as humanly possible? The next time one starts quoting scripture, start quoting the lyrics to "The Greatest Love of All" and tell them it is from the Book of Houston, chapters 1-10.
I believe the children are our are future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier.....

- As a result of our growing social consciousness, I would wager that most professionals under 25 have never had an alcoholic drink at a business event before 5PM. Three martini lunch? Might as well be a typewriter in terms of extinct things.

- Speaking of social consciousness, we spend so much time trying to make everyone feel welcome and free from ridicule that we have given competition the proverbial middle finger:

So in other words, in public we have to put on a brave face and say, "Don't make fun of the spazz who can't catch the fly ball", but then we retire to our couches and keep "America's Funniest Home Videos" on the air for the past decade plus, laughing our asses off at fat people stumbling over tables, or swift shots to the nads.

Think it only applies to Tom Bergeron-hosted events? Heck no. It now makes it so that if a person yells at a helpless fielder, we rip them to shreds for evilness. I don't know about anyone else, but I can't remember a single pop-up I fielded in my youth that didn't have a bunch of people screaming in my ear to drop it. In fact, I came home from most baseball games I played hoarse from "chattering". So we made some inept RF's cry like pussies? Too fucking bad. That's life. That's what all the people say. Riding high in April - shot down in May. - Book of Sinatra, chapters 1-3.

We are so busy protecting people from life, that when they finally live it - and they ultimately will - they are so poorly equipped to handle rejection that they go socially beserk. And I better end this rant now before I start going off on hand sanitizer....

- Whenever I eat glutenous rice snacks - you know, the ones in Oriental snack mixes - it takes me back to the scene in "Defending Your Life" where Albert Brooks tastes what looks like a pile of shit and Rip Torn tells him that his taste buds aren't refined enough to know that it tastes delicious. If millions of fuckers in the Orient like rice snacks, why do I want to barf?? Am I too stupid to appreciate them?

I think this same mantra must apply to Scotch, as well. Give me the finest single malt in the World, and I'll gag like I have some creamy man juice going past my lips.

- You know who I feel bad for? No, not the dying and hungry in Darfur, but authors who go to book signings and have no people lined up to greet them. They look like lost puppy dogs hiding behind a big stack of tomes. By the end of the day, they are screaming, "HERE TAKE ONE!!" just so they can get the books off the table.

- Somebody asked me what I thought about their child getting circumsized and all I could say as a circumsized man is that I didn't have any tips to give.

On a side note, it cracks me up how some people who are militantly opposed to circumcision. They will quote statistics regarding how many nerve endings are sheared off, and the utter agony one goes through to have the procedure done, and I often look at them and miss their message because I'm staring at either a piercing, tattoo, or a festering mole that needs to be lopped off. Furthermore, when they make the argument of the lost sensitivity circumsized men face, do I really need to have a mechanism that will make me go that much more quickly? I think not.

And that's my fault - I'm thinking again which can only mean one thing - it is time to scoot. Scoot and drink and celebrate the weekend!!

Looking Ahead to Summer

2007-06-01T09:57:00.000-04:00

Get a green thumb and broaden some horizons:
For all you fags who buy mealy tomatoes at the grocery store or get green ones that sit on a windowsill for a few weeks until earwigs start munching at them, get to Tomato Joe's pronto before he is out of tomato plants for the year. While there pick up some peppers, plant them, pick them, and dice them up for a kick-ass salsa.

Or keep using the Tostito's brand runny, bland shit. Your call. Tomato Joe's link.

Random Thoughts:
- Steve and Barry's rules! Where else can you get a few shirts and a pair of shorts for under $20 that didn't come from the hands of 12-year old slaves and sent to a stall in Hong Kong or Tijuana?

- Considering the rash of sports scandals lately, I propose we amend the basic rule of all games - "Cheaters never win" to "Superstars never take steroids knowingly, have skull bone growth only because of their complex aging process, and their A & B samples only get processed by drug labs who have been trained at the Mark Fuhrman school of tact." What do you think? Catchy?

- Why can some airlines offer satellite TV on flights, but they act as if using my cell phone is so dangerous it will cause the plane to immediately plummet to certain ruin?

- I wonder if Paul Reubens thinks he was black-balled from certain roles, or if he thinks he was blue-balled?

- I also wonder if anyone growing up ever dreams of becoming the Director of Tourism for Topeka, KS. Even those little tykes in Topeka.

- Have you ever spent 15 minutes pondering why Ypsilanti and Ybor City have different sounds for the "Y"? Be fortunate my friends.

- Speaking of Ypsilanti, as the birthplace of Domino's, one has to wonder how a truly shitty pizza was embraced by so many that it became a National chain. Domino's is like the pizza equivalent to Applebee's. I've never had a great pizza there, just a lot of terrible to mediocre ones.

- I wonder if Huey Lewis and the News think it is ironic that they are no longer headliners?

- The dumbing down and political correctness of America won't be complete until Plasma TV is forced to change their name because of negative connotations to blood and gore. Speaking of which, can somebody pass me some dried plums? Those things are so much better than prunes.

So rich in antioxidants.

- Face it, we are so lazy that if you do something on your own, it has been noted as such an achievement that it has it's own title - DIY. I've been completing daily DIY projects for most of my life - tying shoes (but thank God most are now slip on's), wiping my ass, and spooning food into my own maw and chewing it. Bully to me!!

- You know, people belittled sam Kinison as being a fat, drunk, addict, quack. But why is it that a fuck-up like him was much more astute than the "intelligentsia" of Hollywood today - Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and the other bleeding hearts who think they can clean up Darfur? Like Kinison said, "YOU'RE LIVING IN THE FREAKING DESERT! THERE'S NOTHING BUT SAND!! 20 YEARS FROM NOW, THERE WILL STILL BE NOTHING BUT SAND!!"

- I'm pretty proud of myself. I went to a brew-pub in Salt Lake City, and only had to push two Morman's out of my way to get through the front door.

- Somebody once told me that I'd sell off my Mother to get good material. I told them that practice was banned after Carols Mencia did it to both his Mom and Step-Mom.

- Who was the color-blind guy who looked up at the sky at 10PM and said, "Man, that's a great shade of blue", convincing paint and crayon companies all over the world to adopt the designer tint of "Midnight Blue"?

Should that end my blue material?

-Speaking of colors, I have to think that "one in the pink" can only lead to yellow pus in the future.

I guess it didn't end the blue material! But I'm OUT!!!

A Statement on Falwell and some Random Thoughts

2007-05-22T13:43:00.000-04:00

Burn in Hell
One of the things that irks my chain to no end is watching people be given a holier-than-thou reputation while being complete horses asses. Probably no one fits this bill better than the now deceased Jerry Falwell. The only difference between he and televangelists of old is that Falwell actually brought one of the things he solicited money for to fruition. Of course, Liberty University was founded corruptly but at least he gets recognition for succeeding where his other brethren stumbled. And that is about the only thing good for the man. People point to his generous donations, but they don't ask how many thousands were bilked to build the coffers for those donations. Simply put, Falwell preyed on the worse kind of people - weak minded fools looking for salvation. These people would give their last pennies to be promised a successful transition into Heaven, and Falwell took them up on that offer, all without telling them that they could get the same results for free. And yet, people praise the man.

That's the rub with society today - we forgive to a fault. A fault that allows criminal scam artists like Falwell to thrive, live the life of luxury, and evangelize to the masses. In Colonial times, they may have had wooden teeth, but they knew who to string up in the gallows. Today, you could eat a person's second born and at least a few vocal jackasses will say, "He's not THAT evil. He didn't eat the first born". Laugh, but it's true.

Just remember, Katrina didn't happen because of a weather pattern, it happened because God wanted to punish N.O. for the amount of gays that lived there. That should be Falwell's legacy, not some sham University in Virginia.

But enough already on the fat fucker with more neck rolls than a Sharpei

Random Thoughts
- What is the fascination with Jaegermeister? The best I can tell a lot of people have fond memories of the tasty Robitussin but are looking to get a high to go along with it.

- I talked awhile back about Madonna's horrendous rendition of a British accent. Are Americans just lazy, or is there a reason we continually butcher other accents foreigners like Anthony LaPaglia, Poppy Montgomery, or Hugh Laurie pull it off without a hitch?

- Then again, I stopped trying to figure out the psyche of the inner mind considering that most people think the smell of their own toe jam, navel gook, fart vapor, and pubic fungal growth smells pleasing.

- Slobs all across the country are about to get healthier. Coke has introduced "Diet Coke Plus", a tasty beverage fortified with "essential" nutrients and vitamins. As a marketer, I always appreciate the spin put on the term "essential", as if these rare and critical particles can't be gained anywhere but in those products that scream it out. And that a lack of them will result in certain death, or at least a raging case of scurvvy.

The most disturbing part is that a bunch of 400 pound behomouths are going to down this elixir by the case load and claim they are doing their body good. It's only a matter of time before we see:

- Maybe it's just me, but whenever I see a Shitzhu and a Pekingese side by side, my first thought is wondering which one travels further after getting a swift kick. For those who thinks that shows I have a hatred of dogs - You've never been in my head when I see a cat.

- Songs these days are so educational. Without them, kids all over the country would probably have no idea how to spell "Bananas" or "Glamorous".

- How can you tell I'm in the South? My daughter saw me flip by a NASCAR race and said, "Jeff Gordon is in 5th place. Golly! Mrs. Snodgrass is not going to be happy tomorrow if he doesn't win." And then she put a dip in.

- On the flip side, my son heard the announcers talking about the #9 car and his observation was, "They just said his name was Kasey. That's a girls name". I didn't dare break out the "ponderous, fucking ponderous" routine.

- I wonder if Ann and Nancy Wilson ever look in the mirror and THEN try to convince anyone that aging doesn't take a toll.

- I saw a Red Sox fan with an "Empire Strikes Out" T-shirt on the other day. The thought that kept nagging me is why someone would brag about something done once in a century to a group that does it 25% of the time. What's next, having some no name like Rory Sabbatini start harassing Tiger Woods?

- Is 103 degrees really ever a dry heat? If so, why did I drink two gallons of water and never piss?

- It always amazes me when people complain about the lack of nutrition in school cafeterias, especially the notion that this is a new development. If school food was healthy, the people cooking it and serving it wouldn't have a specific terminology named after their underarm fat.

- Difference #4,801 between the sexes. Men would never wear something as brutally uncomfortable as high heels no matter how sexy it made them look.

- I saw a foreign dignitary with a coffee stain on his shirt. I wonder if that is grounds for jeopardizing his title?

I always like to leave on a Groaner! OUT!!